I read in DR that an affair usually lasts 6 months. My H's EA started early 2006, but then ended because of distance (I think). I also think that she's moved back and he's been living with her since Jan 2007, but no proof.
Been hanging on for 8 months now with no progress. How long did A last for you/your spouse before things got better/ended?
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
Found out my H had been talking to OW from cell records dating back to at least June 06. But he's her boss (she's an administrative HO...Sorry, had to throw that in) so A may be longer. I discovered this after he dropped the bomb Nov 06. I completely doubted that he would commit any sort of infidelity so I never snooped. I still felt crazy b/c he kept denying everything until recently when he took my kids to dinner with OW and her D9. Now, I hate to face the real possibility that EA & PA exist with OW b/c we are separated. Gosh, I'd say my H's A may be over one year.
Do you still want to be with him? I know you're kids are young like mine and it is just devastating. How are you holding up? Do you have support network? He didn't file but is he helping you financially?
Me: 36 WAH: 35 S1: 5, S2: 3, D: 2 Married 13 yrs Bomb dropped Nov. '06 H filed D papers Feb. 1, '07 H nows says OW is GF since April '07
Same here - I think my H is having EA and PA with OW now that we're separated. How long have you been separated? Has he moved out? Wish it were true, but not sure I'm buying that "most affairs last 6 months" cr@p.
I do still very much want to be with him (guess I should say I want to be with the person I used to be with, not the person he is right now). I'm ok for the most part. Have some good friends I can count on for support and am happy to have found this site - what a great place to vent and share crazy thoughts. Friends are great, but it's hard for them to understand if they haven't been through this themselves. He's made sure I'm ok financially, but I've recently gotten a part-time job for some extra pocket money, and as a way to GAL. How about you? When will your D be final? Are you still DBing?
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
SH, My H's A is a little over 5 months. I have beeen "trying" to DB for about two months and things have gotten a lot better in the past month. Unfortunately, H is still seeing OW although he is still living at home.
You just keep doing what seems to be working and stop doing what pushes H further away. Gosh! If I could only take my own advice.
I also agree that it is hard for friends to understand. Mine all think I'm crazy and that I should just leave my H. So, I have stopped talking to them about the A. Take care of yourself. Good for you for getting a job and GAL!
Hi lonely, You are a brave woman to still be living with your H! Read a little of your first thread. Something my H said to me after he left was that he didn't want to get back together because he couldn't promise that it wouldn't happen again in the future and he couldn't do that to me again. (Ha, funny - I haven't thought about that since he told me 8 months ago). Since then, he really hasn't said anything nice, but we also really have not had any talk about our R. I say now that if he ever did come back, I would not stand for him doing this to me again. But then again, I used to always say if he ever cheated on me, I'd be finished with him. Guess I've learned to never say never!
Are you waiting for the A to die out? I guess I am, but seems to me my H is a little slower than most, so I definitely am expecting to have to wait longer than 6 months. And of course, the sitch has to be complicated - previous EA with this OW lasted about 6 months, then I think she was away for 6 months, but now I think she's back and he's living with her/having a PA. Which date do I calculate from??? Maybe it never died and he really does love her and wants to be with her???
The only person I can really talk to about the A is a friend who has lived through it. Like you, my friends (even his sister!) think I'm crazy too and should leave him, which is exactly what I would say if wasn't going through this. When I tell friends now that we're separated, I sometimes don't even mention the A. Or I play it down, saying it's not the reason why we're separated (but this part is really what I believe).
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
Don't want to disallusion you but my Hs current affair has been going on 15 months. He met her one month after we split but had been having other As before that (although I didn't know it immediately). There is still no sign of it ending. In fact he had moved in with her within about 2 weeks of meeting her. He bought a flat of his own last April and moved her in with him as she only rented a room. I understand they got engaged at this time as well. I found this out on my wedding anniversary in July. She is 26, he is 42 and she is a foreign national. Until this week she has not worked for a year! Oh and one little other bit of info; we have not even started D proceedings yet.
Please do not sit around waiting for your Hs affair to end. GAL for your own sake. I'm not saying date (I'm not) but do things for you and not to please your H in the hope he will come back.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I would not read too much about the 6 months. You will see after reading from this forum is that from discovery until h comes back and succeeded in establishing trust, I am reading years. Mine is almost a year now. A varies so much so it is not possible to gauge, really.
The thing is, just GAL. Hard as it seems, frankly, at this point you do not know if he is coming back. Keep DB'ing, but at the same time, starting living life for yourself. If/When he comes back, great you will be a more independent, better person because of all the GAL and taking care of yourself. If he does not come back, you are already a better person and would have your own life already. Does not hurt either way.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
I would not read too much about the 6 months. You will see after reading from this forum is that from discovery until h comes back and succeeded in establishing trust, I am reading years. Mine is almost a year now. A varies so much so it is not possible to gauge, really.
The thing is, just GAL. Hard as it seems, frankly, at this point you do not know if he is coming back. Keep DB'ing, but at the same time, starting living life for yourself. If/When he comes back, great you will be a more independent, better person because of all the GAL and taking care of yourself. If he does not come back, you are already a better person and would have your own life already. Does not hurt either way.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Here is what I know about the 6 months. Affairs do not last. They last from 6 months to 2 years, usually. The 6 months thing is the romance and newness of the relationship. AFter that it becomes work. Now the amount of time varies with variables. Do they live together? Is the affair secret? Kids? Stress? Other addictions? Long distance? How much do you interfer?
When you interfer, or try to make their life miserable and guilt ridden, they have a common bond. The nasty wife. On the other hand, after much consistant effort on your part to leave them alone, the affair will have to have a basis for continuing on its own merit.
The key is be the best x wife you can be! Kind. Gentle. Accepting. (for now). That will surprise them. They will think that you can not keep it up, and they will be sitting on the curb, enjoying the nasty wife show. Nope. Don't go there. Soon she will overplay her hand. Give her time and space. It is sorta like having to be perfect forever in a relationship and meet the other persons needs at all cost. They are not married, they have no legal ties to keep them together, and any mistake is magnified. Time is your friend. The better you do at detaching and getting a life, the less you feed the affair. Let it die on it's own. Cheers, Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
