I'm still here. Just trying to stay busy with life. I honestly don't have much to report on regarding H. I do not understand where he's at.
He called last week and wanted to talk about what a great job he was doing in training. I listened. I could tell he was really happy with how his day had gone. I guess he needed to talk to someone about it?
But then yesterday when I asked again when the taxes would be completed he wrote me and answered my question, with the comment that next year he's filing by himself. And his reasoning was because he pays so much more in than I do, therefore he deserves to get more back.
I do not see us back together. I had hope earlier this year, but I don't anymore. And in fact, I have asked him to please explain to me somehow what has happened to him just so I can have some closure, but he will not reply. I told him he could email me if he didn't want to talk about it on the phone; nothing.
That's where things are at.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, You continue to ask for explanations from your h and he can't give them to you. He doesn't even truly understand how he's gotten to where he's at. Closure? You'll never truly have closure w/this type of crisis. You have to find a way to accept what has happened and move on, leaving the door ajar, just in case they do attempt to return. Sometimes they try at the right time and then there are others who are entirely too late.
I hope that you have plans for Easter. Do something extra special for yourself. I know it's extremely hard not to think about your h, but you'll have to "learn" how to do this because thinking about him a lot will drive you nuts. The more you think about him, the more questions pop into your head and the cycle begins anew. Is there any way that you can think of him as a long lost cousin who pops in every now and then just to say hello?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Hope, That comment your H made about filing taxes for next year says it all...it's all about him. He can't think beyond that to offer you any comfort or explanation. That's where the detachment comes in, to find a way to move forward, which is what you are doing. Glad you checked in here, we've missed you.
I do have Easter plans, thanks. My family keeps me busy with a lot of things going on. I am unsure of how to handle the fact that H's birthday is this week. I have bought/sent nothing. I do not even know if I should acknowledge the day at all. At Christmas he didn't even open the package I sent. I feel that it is so unfair that he can't offer me anything in terms of words. If he wants me to move on with my life you'd think he'd help me a little bit by explaining whatever he's capable of doing at this point. We do not talk as much as you may think. I never, ever call him. And he rarely calls me, except for last week, which was the first time in a while.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
It's so difficult to accept what has happened without understanding why. In "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" it says that we begin to heal only when we stop asking "Why?" and start asking "What's next?" But I'm still with you. I want to know why. And so we suffer...
-SH
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Hope, I know that deep down you are feeling so lost and hurt by all of this and I'm sorry that we can't make it all go away. I know how you feel about the birthday situation. It's a hard decision to make. If it would make you feel better, send him a card, but keep it very simple. Don't get him a present as this makes the guilt more intense for him.
Hope, I'm glad to see that you are staying busy w/your family. I'm sure that you'll have something special to do over Easter. The holidays are always the hardest for the posters. Try to make some new memories and keep the old ones close to your heart.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
