Me and H were separated for about 7 weeks. Then he decides to break it off with a woman he had been seeing while we were separated to come back. He said he weren't sure what would happen. I told him I understood, he basically was coming back because of our kids. It was tearing him up not being there for them everyday. We discussed everything about what went wrong in our marriage and decided to work things out. It has been about 7 weeks now. My H still has his apartment but has been staying at My house ever since. He told me a couple of weeks ago that the only reason he hadn't moved back yet is that he wanted to see how the money situation was going to be. I agreed. but 1 week later he brought up "in case he moves home....." I told him that I did want him to move home. He said, "well, I have just been waiting for you to say that you wanted me to." I must be reading him wrong. I thought he was in control , not me... Then I also told him that I do Love him because that is something I haven't been saying either. Didn't want to pressure him. And he said"I know you do", not I love you too. So I still know that he is not ready to say it yet. I feel like he won't open up to me all the way. Like he is afraid to. I never bring up relationship talk. Mostly because I am afraid to. I am scared I won't like his answers. We have talked some about future of builing our house again. He is trying. He offers to help with housework and things. The last few days I feel like he has been a little distant. I don't know if it is me dwelling on things, or if he is having second thoughts. I feel like I need reassurance from him on our marriage. I do not want him to leave again. I want him to trust me with his heart. He signed a years lease for his apt. I am hoping that when end of month comes, he will decide not to pay for another month and just break the lease. I will feel better when I know he is home with no back up place to go, if you know what i mean! It was hard for him to break it off with OW, and I recently found out she is dating a new guy! Thank the Lord!!! Maybe she will leave mine alone. I don't know if that is why he has seemed a little down or not. I mean, I know they broke it off completely but because they work together, they see each other almost every day and they are good friends. It's complicated I know. I did talk to OW when they broke it off, and learned alot about her. She said she was sorry she hurt me. I am just down when I think about things. I worry that he is still not happy enought to stay. I wonder should I say I Love you every now and then just to remind him that I do. Even though he knows. Or should I wait for him to say it. I don't want to say it knowing that I might not get one back.. What should I do. I need some reassurance from him. I have to trust him again also. Trust that he will not leave me again without ever telling me he weren't happy. Some advice would be appreciated. I am having a bad day. He hasn't even called me today. I did text him earlier to ask if he was having a good day. He said Yes. That's all. Am I wanting to much too soon? I know,,, at least he is back wanting to work it out. 2 months ago, it was no way am I coming back. It is funny how the reasons they leave in the beginning change when they want to come back. When My husband left he said we have grown apart, weve changed. You don't do this or that. When he wanted to come back, reasons changed to money was the problem and my parents. 2 things that were never brought up before as reasons for leaving.....What a Year this is!!! Help! Encouragement.........
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I truly don't have much advice for you; if you look at my post, you will see that I have an Alien H right now too. He told me that for a long time, he only stayed around for the boys as well. My H has cheated many times, emotionally & physically. The last one was just emotional, however, I am to the point (and maybe I'm wierd), but I figure he either wants me or he doesn't. He needs to step up and take some responsibility for the fact that he is MARRIED and has 3 little boys. And, if he wants some woman who is willing to mess around w/ a married man, she'll probably end up doing it to him some day too if he stays w/ her. I'd just give it some more time, keep DB'ing, and allow him to get to the point where he is comfortable getting rid of the apartment. Plus, if OW already has a new guy and she actually talked to you? I don't think I'd worry about her anymore.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I told him that I did want him to move home. He said, "well, I have just been waiting for you to say that you wanted me to." I must be reading him wrong. I thought he was in control , not me.. =========== Bottom line, do you want him home yes or no? It's time to drop all games and coy answers, either you show him you accept him into your life or not, you are hoping he doesn't renew the lease yet you tell him you dont' want him to move, so dont' be dissapointed if he does renew his lease. He needs your acceptance right now.
============= So I still know that he is not ready to say it yet. I feel like he won't open up to me all the way. Like he is afraid to ========== I'm sorry, I had to smile when I read that. My H is back for about a yr now, and still he hasn't opened all the way, he still can't say ILY. We are a much better couple and our M 100 times better, but his healing has taken a looooooooooong time. Your H is VERY scared, he doesn't know if things will work, lots of WAH don't come back for that very reason, think it will never work. Prove him wrong, show him you married him for better or worse.
It is way too early to expect him to fully trust you and love you as soon as he gets back, not because you both dont' deserve a lovign M, but because so much has happen and BOTH of you need to build love and trust in each other again.
It was hard for him to break it off with OW ======= That is also another reason why he can't fully give of himself, he is grieving that connection he had, since As are sort of like crutches, he also needs time to leave that R behind, however flawed it was. My H felts worthless and like a failure after the R with the ow didn't work out, he was like a zombie for a few months.
I wonder should I say I Love you every now and then just to remind him that I do. Even though he knows. Or should I wait for him to say it. I don't want to say it knowing that I might not get one back. ================= Say it without expecting it back, say it becuase your heart feels it. I did it, I never got one back, but he did hugged me tighter. You give of what your heart stores, don't with hold your love.
I need some reassurance from him. ======== Some Hs are able to reasure their Ws, some are not. My H couldnt' give me the slightest reasurance and I had to learn to cope on my own. It isnt' easy and it hurts, but I learned to work on myself and to learn to make myself happy and not rely on him to improve my mood, this process is hard to learn but it is so worth it. Your H may or may not be able to do so.
2 months ago, it was no way am I coming back. ========= Yes! focus on what you have now, you have come a long way. Baby steps are what you need to focus on now, you can't have it all now, you need to give him lots of time. Sometimes I'd loose hope, even despaired and wondered if we made a mistake by getting back together. It's part of the healing process, my H even put it as "1 step forward, 2 steps back". So, expect downfalls, they will come, but know that are a part of your healing, and don't loose hope, fall gently, with grace.
Because he had mixed issues as of why he left, they have to be addressed now, neither of you wants more of the same, it made a huge difference when my H and I had MC after he came back, we grew to understand each other and embrace our differences and deal with each other's wounds.
I'm posting a list of great great books, the first one helped me find my way to heal: "healing the hurt in your marriage"
A great read, for wives who dont' know why their Hs leave is "the proper care and feeding of husbands"
The first months of piecing are hard, but trust me, you will have a much better M that you had before. Love like you haven't been hurt. Over all, know that it takes many months.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks Cat, You always give great advice. Question though, If I tell my Husband that I Love him, Will it just remind him that he doesn't have those feelings for me? Like in the beginning it says when they leave, don't keep telling them that you love them. I am afraid to push him away again.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
You know what I did? When I just felt I HAD to say it to H, I said it at times when he couldn't answer me - therefore, no pressure for him to say it.
For example - signing off a phone call - "Bye, H, love you (click)". I would click quickly so there would be mno awkward pause or pressure for him to say it back.
(I also used to whisper it in his ear when he was sound asleep )
Well, it's not the same as when you were separated, so the rules are different. I wouldn't say it to him every other hr, but now and then wouldn't hurt. I actually don't say it so much anymore, I used to do it more, but every once in a while I do.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I am having a hard time on this roller coaster!! I feel like I am giving everything I have to work on my marriage. I don't seem to get it back. Love, I mean. I only get attention if I give it. I noticed that since he has been back, 2 months now, He doesn't hardly ever call me Honey anymore. It really bothers me. I even told him playfully that I liked it when he calls me that. Some days I feel like he is just there. I feel like what he might have felt like before he left. Given all the attention and not getting it in return. Is this normal for him to act this way? He likes the attention and doesn't push me away at all, but, I don't know. Is this how it goes until he is able to love me again. That, I still haven't heard either. It is so depressing. He still speaks to Woman he dated while we were separated. I don't think she is an issue to worry about, she was a good friend of his before we separated, and explained to me that they would always be good friends. She is even dating someone new. But I still get very jealous if she asks him to do something for her. Why can't she ask her new man? I try not to let the jealousy show, but my whole attitude changes if he mentions anything about her. He has been honest about everything so far, but this is something at first I thought I could get past, but, I am finding it harder and harder not to think about. I am jealous of their friendship. He has a relationship with her that he and I don't have. She is not my friend! What do I do? I feel like if I told him that I didn't want them being friends, he would leave me. It is just something that has been bothering me lately. Even though he is on his way to moving back in(even though he has stayed here everynight since Feb. 1) I still have thoughts in the back of my head that he will leave me again. Trust is hard to have after all of this, but I am trying real hard because I love my Husband. I give him everything. I know it just takes time, but I am tired. Any thoughts?
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I've been exactly where you are right now -- still there actually. H & I have been back & forth over the last 3 mnths since he dropped the D bomb, however, this last time, I have tried not to expect anything from him, no pressure, no R talk, just take it day by day. I figure it took him years to get to where he wanted a D and it's going to take him awhile to "get that lovin' feeling" back. He also has said "I don't love you that way anymore" numerous times.
Like you said, there are a LOT of times when I feel like I am feeling what he was feeling when he was so unhappy - lonely, rejected sexually, etc. I now know the horrible feeling of those things and am determined that he never feels that way again.
I have just kept on loving him gently, I guess is the best way to say it. I always have to initiate sex if I want it and I keep doing it b/c I'm convinced it will help us become closer intimately. I just make sure I TALK to him all the time, take time to ask him how his day was, take time to pay attention to just him.
I guess I'm not truly giving you any advice here, but just letting you know I know how you are feeling -- there are so many of us going through the same stuff.
My H still talks to his "friend" he "started to like" while talking to her for who knows how long about our issues & problems instead of talking to me about them. I guess I figure I will deal with that if it continues once I feel truly confident that things are really ok w/ H and me.
I keep reading your last post and I have thought all of the same things. I would love to hear my H call me "baby" again and truly feel like he means it when he says ILY.
I guess it's just whether you really want your M to work out or not. If you do, patience is the key and I know that's not easy!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thanks, it's nice to know that someone understands me. I am trying so hard to patient. I am just so fearful that he will not ever be happy with me again. We never argue or have any conflicts. I always ask him how is day was. I try to even be the submissive wife. Today he called me upset about a money issue that I really had nothing to do with about a bill, and I asked if he was upset or mad at me and he said no, then I asked again and he said, "I don't know". I don't know what is going on with him today. I know that he is mainly trying to work on our marriage for our 2 children. He couldn't stand being away from them. I do see him doing things for me that he didn't always do before. He always asks if there is anything I need him to do for me before he decides to do something for himself. He will even do laundry or dishes now. Housework was an issue when he left. He said I couldn't keep it done, but I told him I need help because I run my own business and I can't do it all. I think he realizes that now and he tries to help. He promised me when we got back together that he would always let me know when something was bothering him about us, so I am holding on to that. I do want my marriage to work.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I think my H is staying for the 3 boys also (3 boys under age of 7). Hard to GAL w/ that Anyway, we went through a financial crisis last week & he was over the edge mad and I felt also that he was blaming it on me. I just patiently worked everything through w/ him and never got mad or upset.
I know what you mean about H never being happy w/ you again. I feel the same way -- will he ever truly love me again - he's said so many times "I don't love you like that anymore." He's truly convinced himself of that!
However, what is just as scary is that sometimes I wonder if one of these days I'm going to start really, really disliking him too!!
Oh and I always said that too -- we never argue -- however, I think that's because we had absolutely no communication. I think it's ok to argue sometimes as long as you work it all out.
A day at a time is all we can do!!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
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Anyway, we went through a financial crisis last week & he was over the edge mad and I felt also that he was blaming it on me. I just patiently worked everything through w/ him and never got mad or upset.