Me - 27, H - 29, Married - 2.5 years, Together - Almost 8 years, no kids, 1 very cute dog.
My H has been having a EA for a while now and I think I just accepted this to be true over the weekend. Don't know why but it hit me like a ton of bricks! Since I have found out about the A I have been making excuses for him as to why he was doing it and never really accepted that he was in fact having a A. I have a thread under Newcomers titled "Trying to Hang in There" but decided to post my sitch under this section as well since I have recently come to the realization that my H has/is being unfaithful to me. So here goes...
My H has been having EA with his ex-girlfriend since at least this time last year. I found out about it this past September by looking at his call records. I confronted him, he admitted it. Said they are just friends and that he was not going to stop talking to her. After I found out I was shocked ~ this is so out of my H character. I stayed with a friend for a few days to think and decided I wanted to work this out. When I returned H told me he did not miss me and that he did not love me and that he was going to file for a D after the holidays or I could file for a D myself before then. I opted not to file and try to stay and work things out (like everyone here I am very committed to my marriage) So the months that followed that conversation were up and down. Things would be good and my H would be putting a lot of effort into our R, it would be great, and then he would realize it and turn into a jerk and stay that way for a couple of days. Then the whole cycle would start again.
So after the holidays H told me he was unhappy and he was going to file for a D. Then about a week later he told me he was going to file for a separation instead and he was doing this to make it easier on me. He met with a lawyer who sent me a letter to indicate my H's interest in filing for a separation. Before I received the letter H agreed to go to C together as long as I moved out of the house and gave him some space. He also agreed to date weekly. Since I had no choice but to get a lawyer to respond to his, I retained one who sent my H a letter stating I would agree to move out on the condition that he would go to C. My H signed off on that indicating he would so I moved in with one of my friends. H and I did go to C for 6 sessions but he really did not contribute much and the C said there was not much she could do to help us if he did not want the marriage. So we stopped going together (I go for IC still). Also, we never really went on dates. H always had a reason why he could not get together or something always came up. Looking back at the sitch it seems H only agreed to all of this to get me out of the house. At the time I really felt he was sincere and never questioned that this was his motive.
So as far as the OW is concerned throughout the time we were living together he did not stop communicating with her but he did insist the whole time to me that they were just friends and nothing more. He went out of his way to make sure I believed this and at the time I did. Then a week after I moved out he flew to her city to see her for the weekend (she lives about 6 hours away from us). He did not tell me this but he was acting shady about his weekend plans so when I confronted him about it he admitted it. He swore nothing physical happened. I don't know if I believe him. A few weeks after that he told me he thought he had feelings for her and that he needed to explore those feelings because they have a history together. At that time his plan was to continue a R with her. As far as I know the relationship continues to this day. I have stopped snooping and confronting him about it which has helped me to deal with this tremendously!
It has been 2 months since I moved out and there have not been any changes. My H told me 3 weeks ago that he filed the separation agreement and that I would be getting the paperwork soon, which I never did. I spoke with him yesterday about some business related stuff and he worked into the conversation that he filed the paperwork and I should get it this week. So I am expecting that and day now.
The whole sitch is pretty messed up. My H recently told me has been unhappy for a year but never mentioned or acted that way to me before I found out about his EA. I have also heard all the other comments WAS tend to make from my H. The most hurtful ones have been "I settled for you, I never loved you like a H should love their W and I never will, & you forced me to marry you." Also, he has told me he loves the OW before but has taken it back. My thoughts on the sitch are that my H feels a extreme amount of guilt over what he has done and the huge amount of hurt and pain he has caused me that he sees no other option for resolving this then to separate. Also I am sure the continued R with the OW does not help any.
Previous to reading DB & DR I did all the wrong things, begging, pleading, crying ~ everything! I have since stopped and decided going dark was the best option for me. So I went dark on 3/12. Our conversations have been minimal and only when he contacts me (usually house/finance related). Every time we talk I am very pleasant. He always seems to try and start an argument with me which I do not feed into and that seems to frustrate him. When he does this I continue being pleasant and get off of the phone first. Our most recent contact was yesterday which consisted of 3 phone calls. The first 2 he was a complete a$$ and then the last one he called to apologize for the way he was acting. I don't expect to hear from him again for a while now. I have been pretty good about staying dark and I plan on keeping it up. In the meantime I have been GAL and trying to keep my PMA up.
Any thoughts, advice, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Feel free to ask any questions I may have left some stuff out on accident! Also, sorry this is so long ~ I will try to make future posts shorter !
Get a life, be mysterious, act out of character and practice the Last Resort Technique. That's excellent.
What will be some excellent new hobbies/activities that will make you the interesting unusual person you want to be?
Ballroom Dancing?
Karate?
Painting?
Ballet?
Salsa?
Archery?
Knitting?
Kickboxing?
OK Question.....
Tell me...why did you move out? Why couldn't he move out? Looks like he got exactly what he wanted.
As you were describing the situation: I didn't believe he would keep the date nights nor would he go into counseling with an open mind.
Regarding the emotional affair: they almost always lead to physical affairs. Regarding affairs, people almost always lie about them. Your husband wanted you out so he could pursue the affair with his ex. He never intended to "work on the relationship". They all act the same. It's textbook.
I'm assuming from your post that you don't have kids? Do you plan on having them later?
Because if you do plan on having kids later, my advice for you is a little different from what I would normally recommend.
Let him go. Period.
Why do I say that? After all, I'm a reconciled DBer, and promarriage, and usually I advocate patience and DBing.
BUT - you're young. It's one thing for YOU to take a risk on your H by taking him back, if it came to that. It's another thing if you plan to have kids. Then, you taking him back means sticking your future children with the risk that one day their dad will walk out on them and break their heart.
Your H has already shown you something very important about his character. When confronted with problems, rather than face them and work them out with you, he chooses to run off to fantasyland instead. Is this the man you would want by your side when a child is diagnosed with leukemia, or when you develop a serious illness, or when you get fired from a job, or any of the myriad crises that can befall people in adult life?
See, I was in your place once. My h was seduced by an ex-girlfriend the night before our wedding (nice, huh?). Six months into our marriage, I find out H has been writing to her and pining away over her. (Five years later I learn that she got pregnant and had an abortion while we were on our honeymoon).
We worked through that over the next year - or so I thought. Really, all that happened was that he started to worry he would lose me, he came back, and I was so glad to have him back I didn't question it.
Fast forward 18 years and 3 kids. H has an affair - because really, he'd never resolved his issues. Truthfully, a large part of our marriage had been contaminated by his "longing", his sense that somehow he could have done better than me. (Totally NOT based in reality, btw, as I can truthfully say I am brilliant, accomplished, loving, and attractive - okay, maybe not modest . But seriously, most of his male friends would love to have had a woman like me).
We've survived his affair. But the pain it caused our children - there are still after-effects. And I realized at that moment, that by burying my head in the sand all those years ago, I had let my children bear the risk that H would repeat.
Do I think your marriage is hopeless? No, but if I were you, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't dream of taking him back unless it was very clear he had gotten help for ALL of his issues. And that would mean at least a year of individual therapy, dating me exclusively during that time, and showing that he has insight into his issues and "gets it".
Would you want to be going through this again in two or three years, with a little baby?
Let him go. Focus on your life. Do all the things you've always wanted to do but were afraid to try. Do all the things you always wanted to do but he wasn't interested in. Find a passion. Travel. Post here and learn about relationship skills.
Your H is far more likely to wake up if you let go and start really living your life. He fars more likely to pursue you if you quit pursuing him. One thing I can guarantee you, pleading and clinging to him will only drive him further away.
So - I climbed Mount Whitney after my h dropped the bomb. What goals do you want to set for yourself?
Thank you for the responses, suggestions, & encouragement! It helps so much just knowing there are people who truly care! No one in my circle of family and friends have ever been through something this before so it is hard for them to relate to what this feels like for me so it is so helpful to hear from people who have been or are going through it! Now to answer some questions...
Tell me...why did you move out? Why couldn't he move out? Looks like he got exactly what he wanted.
This is a good question...Honestly, at the time I thought me moving out would be the best thing to help us. I guess my thought proccess was H needed to be in our house alone with out me to see what he would be missing. Looking back I now realize that was not the smartest thing to do and I should have not been so agreeable to moving out ~ you can probably guess it was H idea that I be the one to move. He used the excuse of finacial reason, he makes a lot more money then I do and said I would never be able to afford the house on my own. This is true but I am sure we could have worked something out if I stayed.
You are 100% right he did get everything that he wanted...the house, the dog, freedom...everything! So frustrating and I don't know what I was thinking, actually I was not thinking. At the time this was going on I think I was in such denial that this was really happening and was so desperate to save the marriage that I would have done anything. It sucks but hindsight is always 20/20 ! This all occured pre-DBing days. Wish I had found the books and this site a lot sooner then I did. I think some of the decisions I made would have been different...
As you were describing the situation: I didn't believe he would keep the date nights nor would he go into counseling with an open mind.
Looking back I see this now. At the time I wanted to believe so badly he was really in this to work it out that I took everything he said to heart and felt he truly meant it. Obvioulsy he didn't mean it and that has left me with a lot of anger and other issues but I am trying to work those out in IC.
As far as GAL I have been going to the gym (not really new for me but it helps!) spending a lot of time with my friends, I am looking into a ladies social club in my area to meet new people (this is something that is completly different for me), and I am looking into taking a cooking class. Also, it is funny you wrote knitting because I just bought a how to book on this. So that may be my new hobby :)!
another good book is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
Thanks for the book reccomendation. I will go to the book store and pick it up!
Originally Posted By: Heartbroken
Don't be surprised if it is also a PA actually I feel the EA is far worse to get over - it was in my H's sitch....
I agree with you! I think if it was a PA I would be able to get over it faster. It would still be hard but with a EA there is a connection and a bond that is established between the 2 people involved. It hurts because my H was/is putting a lot of effort into having a relationship with the OW when I feel he should have been connecting with me and putting effort into us!
How did you start to heal and get over your H's EA, if you don't mind me asking? I try not to let it bother me but that can be a challenge for sure!
kml - Thanks for sharing your story! It sounds like you have been through a lot! Dealing with all of that had to be so difficult for you. It sounds like it has made you a stronger person though. I hope all is well with you now!
It is funny you bring up kids. We do not have any. We were actually trying for about 6 months without much success. I did have a miscarriage and after this happened H told me he wanted to stop trying because he decided he did not want kids. I don't know if that was due to the miscarriage, the A, or both but I am sure the A had something to do with it. 3 weeks after I miscarried I discovered his A. At the time he told me he did not want kids I was so upset about it but now I am so thankful that I did not get pregnant because it would be so unfair to a child to bring them into this so I fully hear you on what you are saying! In fact it disgust me that my H would even think about trying to concieve a child while he was doing this behind my back!
As far as having kids in the future. I would still like to. H now insists that he does not ever want them which would be something else to consider should we reconcile. At this point we are no where near getting back together and you are right there would need to be a lot of work on his part to make changes and prove that they were lasting changes and that he "gets it" should this ever occur.
Your post has given me a lot of points to think of that I have not considered before. Thanks for bringing them to my attention!
As far as letting him go, I have pretty much done that. I have detached. I do not contact him and if he contacts me (which is rare) I usually let it go to voicemail or don't answer his TM or email right away. I think this is the only way for me to get through this and to let my H be accountable for his own actions (as of right now he is not doing this, he blames me and other circumstances for his choice to have a A and does not hold himself responsible for any of it).
Congrats on climbing the mountain! I bet it felt great when you were finished! I think I will start small and take a hike on some of the local trails ;)!
Congrats on climbing the mountain! I bet it felt great when you were finished! I think I will start small and take a hike on some of the local trails ;)!
Well, I trained for 5 months. It was great having that big goal to focus on, as it took my attention away from the sitch.
You asked how you get over the EA - day by day. My H is still at his apt they are done (OW and H) but he still wants a month or two by himself b4 coming home. We are starting to 'date' again and I do miss him at nite - keep the cellph in bed so I can text msg at 2 AM!! He does the same...we are just taking it day by day! Only time will get me over it all...
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
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. But seriously, most of his male friends would love to have had a woman like me).
! This all occured pre-DBing days. Wish I had found the books and this site a lot sooner then I did. I think some of the decisions I made would have been different...
Thanks for reading!