Just Coming to Terms With EA!

[iluvme]

Hi Gina,

Welcome and a big (((HUG))) to you. Gosh, I was struck by the similarities of what effect an EA can have on the WAS. My H said those same lines to me! I was truly devasted b/c I would never even say those things to him in a million years. When you set up the separation agreement, you were probably so raw with hurt that you didn't realize that his plan was working.

My H set everything up so the kids are in daycare & kindergarten and then his mom helped out. I felt useless and he treated me like I was nothing when I was there. My self esteem was completely shot, I found out about OW, he made me feel like a horrible mother, wife, and housekeeper and I was in the way of his happiness. I just couldn't stay to have that thrown in my face everyday. Aside from that, everything was so tense and if we had any conversation at all it was a fight. I wasn't eating, sleeping, and just functioning like a robot to get the kids around. Then when the kids were at daycare, i felt like a loser. I just knew I was being replaced by OW, his mom, and anything that had my stamp in it was gone. I also have some gyn issues that puts physical strain on me daily if I don't rest.

So I moved out but not completely b/c I go half the wk to be with kids. I thought this was the best way to give him sapce and to regain my health and sanity. But my point being, it's actually not bad to leave the sitch b/c you may be more be more sad, angry, or depressed being in the same home with him. Did your H still carried small talk with you? He seems like my H, angry at you and not remorseful.

My H was either completely cold and angry or walked around like he is so proud that he did the right thing. It was sick to watch his behaviour. It is so much harder to go thru with kids. He made sure that he didn't help me w/ the kids even when he is in the house and they ask for him. He would make snide comments in front of kids about my care for them if I don't follow "his" routine. It's hard to see everything "separate" when you're still under same roof and share kids. I know his life is moving forward and mine is a complete halt.

Like your H, mine wasn't going to move out. He knows he can afford it and do everything to stay. I think that was the psych battle that I lost. Do you question how your H can simply detach himself and be a complete stranger to you? I don't know if it is b/c we are the dumpee vs. the dumper.

How have you been emotionally living w/o H? Do you find it hard to be at his pace about the sitch? My H told me he was finally at "peace with himself" when he dropped the bomb. I was not ready for anything! I have been taking respite part-time almost 2 months too but my H just emailed me about finances and said "Let's just get it over with." Oh, I think I suggested that we stop wasting money on the lawyers and use it for Disney World vacation with the kids. I guess that was a NO!

But you have only been married for 2.5 yrs and no kids. Consider that a Get Out of Free Jail Card. But living on your own has many perks right now. You don't have the daily reminders assoc. with the house and dreams etc... You can do whatever you want and not answer to anyone or be judged anyone. It is hard to walk on eggshells in fear of the BIG D. Take this time to get your mind in a healthy place and busy yourself with life. You are too young to pine away for this guy who has not cut the strings from ex-gf or not mature enough to face the issues in your M that he needed an escape route. Aside from that, I don't think he is worthy of your you. He wants you out of his life and he wants to make out financially stronger knowing that you are so vulnerable right now. I can't believe my H is like that too. What happened to being the bigger person if this is really what you want? How come they want everything to only benefit them?

Arrrgh, your post it a sore spot for me tonite b/c of it's similarities. Take it from me, walk away and take your life back. He can't make you happy right now and he doesn't want to. You have no strings and a whole new world waiting for you. Jump on it. If he sees clearly after a couple of months, think about it and maybe you won't even like him. His loss!

[Gina]

iluvme - Thank you for your support! Our sitch's do sound extremely similar. I am sorry for all that you have been through! I know it is hard but don't buy into any of the negative stuff he says to you. Through counseling I learned about projection and how some (or maybe all) of the stuff my H says to me is really a reflection of how he is feeling and since he feels so bad about himself and the sitch he is projecting that onto me to make me feel worse then I already do and in some way that makes him feel better. Thinking this way has helped me to stop blaming myself for everything as well as taking all of my H's feelings and problems on myself. I am not always succesful in thinking this way but it has helped a lot. It still amazes me though how quickly our H's can turn on us and have no feeling whatsoever about it! Also, how they can play of our vulnerabilities. My H does this every chance he can get, especially financially!

As far as me moving out I still have mixed feelings about it. I currently live with my best friend so of course that is awesome and not being at my house with H has helped me tremendously because I think being out of the situation has helped me to heal and start to move on faster then I would if I was still there. Also, when I was home I was walking on egg shells as to not upset H and that is really no way to live. Not being there has improved my PMA! On the other hand I am angry that I was tricked into moving out and giving up the comforts of my own home. Right now it seems my H is living the high life and getting everything he wants...

Hi Gina,
Did your H still carried small talk with you? He seems like my H, angry at you and not remorseful.

It was up and down. On good days H did still carry on small talk but it was mostly about him. On bad days he was like your husband and be cold to me and flaunt how fabulous his new life is. He acted (and still does) like he was entitled to treat me anyway he chose.

Do you question how your H can simply detach himself and be a complete stranger to you?

EVERYDAY!! It amazes me he can do this. When this whole thing started it is like one day everything was fine and the very next my whole world changed. It is like he changed overnight and has not been the same since!

How have you been emotionally living w/o H? Do you find it hard to be at his pace about the sitch? My H told me he was finally at "peace with himself" when he dropped the bomb.

Emotionally I am okay. I have good and bad days though. Some days I am just really angry, others I am really sad, and then there are some days I am okay with the sitch and am at peace with it. I seem to have more angry and sad days though! And yes, I do find it hard to be at his pace with the sitch. He is far more over this then I am. Sounds like it is the same for you and your H :(! My H told me he was relieved when I found out about the A because now he could stop living a lie...Ugh!

What happened to being the bigger person if this is really what you want? How come they want everything to only benefit them?

There is the million dollar question...

Most everyone I talk to says the same thing about me being young and moving on. I do agree and I am trying my best to do that! The part I have trouble with is that I take my marriage vows so seriously that sometimes I have trouble seeing past that. On the other hand I have been thinking more about whether or not I want to be with the person my H has turned into and right now the answer is no. You are right he is not mature of enough to face the issues in our M and is running away from them. Unfortunately, he has always tended to run away from challenges rather then face them. It just sucks that now he is doing that to me and our marriage. So I guess on my end I am confused about what I want as well. My sitch has definitly given me the opportunity to re-evaluate my life and what I want for it.

Utlimately, I think my judgement is clouded by the hurt and pain that H has caused me. This is getting better and I am trying my best to focus on me and let H's problems be his problems that he needs to deal with and work out. Who knows what is going to happen in the future but I know I need to not worry about it and do what is best for me!

[Gina]

I recieved a TM from H earlier today. He wanted to know what I told our neighbors about our separation (my one neighbor had emailed me earlier this week to ask if we wanted to get together so I emailed her back and told her we separated). I was at a event for work and could not respond so 10 minutes later he sent me another TM saying that he figured I would not answer. I waited a few hours and wrote him a email and just said that I said he decided he wanted to seperate, that I moved out, and that he would be staying in the house (which is exactly what I said to her). Haven't heard back from him and I do not anticipate that I will.

The funny thing about all of this is he knows that for my job I am not near my phone all the time so I can not always respond right away. When we were together he would just wait for me to write back. Now that we are not together and if I don't text him back right away he usually responds with some sort of message like the second one I got today. Interesting...

[Gina]

I haven't posted in a little while. I have been torn about what I want to do as far as Dbing or throwing the towel in so I took a little break from posting but still have been lurking...

A few weeks ago I received a proposed separation agreement from my H. It was pretty much what I expected with the exception of in it he has a plan on how he would like to sell our house. All along he told me he wanted to stay in the house and not even consider selling it. So it was quite a shock to see that and I was so upset that he did not even have the decency to call and talk to me about this in person and that he would just let me read it in the agreement. I called to talk to him about this. He did apologize for me feeling blindsided about this but was just very rude in general and said a lot of rude and inappropriate things. He ended the conversation by saying that he no longer wanted any contact with me through phone and from now on if I need something I should email or TM him.

A few days later I emailed him because I needed copies of our tax information. I was very clear on how he could get these copies to me and none of it required him having to see me. He wrote back a day later stating he was out of town for work and would get the info to me later that week. I did not respond. Last Friday, he called and left me a message asking what I wanted and how he could get it to me. He then sent me a email on Easter asking the same thing. On Monday he sent me an email asking him to TM him about the info and then later on Monday he left me a message stating that I must have forgotten his phone number since I had not called him back so he wanted to leave it for me (and he did). So yesterday I sent him and email, quick and to the point, about how he could get the tax info to me. I have not heard from him since. I figure he will wait a few days before responding if he responds at all.

I know I probably should have responded to him sooner and that was a little to the extreme of not being available but I was so frustrated with him at the time I did not want to deal with it. I also don't know what I want. There is a big part of me that says screw it and I am done but there is still a part of me that thinks maybe it could work out… So I don't know. Currently, I am trying to decide between filing for a D myself or just responding to the proposed agreement. Right now I am leaning towards filing for a D but I think I would just be doing that out of anger and as a way to gain some control in this sitch. So I am taking some time to really think about it and weigh the pros and cons of both. H did not put the proposed agreement through the court system so I do not have a specific amount of time I have to respond in. My lawyer feels he needs some more info from my H before he can advise me so he has requested that which also buys some time.

I have been to IC throughout the past few weeks and we talked about how the things that H says and does to me are a projection of how he is feeling and actually have very little to do with me. The same with him blaming me for everything and we are also working on how I need to stop taking responsibility for or blaming myself for everything. She says he needs to own his issues and I do not allow him to do that. She is right so I am going to continue working on myself in that area! Other then that I have been keeping busy with work, family, & friends.

Any thoughts or insight would be great! Sometimes things seem so obvious but being directly involved in the situation I do not always see them...