It started innocently enough. This morning I reconciled the checkbook and proceeded to back up my file. Pleased with myself, I told H what I did. Ours is not the typical back-up system involving inserting a disk or CD into a drive. Ours involves H's employer's network.
He has explained it to me many times, but I don't quite get it. I know I don't and the more I fret about not getting it, the more likely I am to not get it. Sometimes I try to avoid discussing this issue with H because we both end up annoyed and at a communication impasse. But I can't avoid it forever because sometimes I need his help. (Yes I understand this is avoidance.) This morning I was feeling good about us and I guess I forgot about my fear.
The problem is that I often use the wrong technical words. I know I do this but I can't help it. I'm not an IT professional and I don't play one on TV. I do the best I can to communicate in IT-speak, but really I'm speaking Japanese to H. He interpreted what I said literally, in this case thinking I was dropping my files in random places all over his network.
I assured him this wasn't the case. I said that I just used the wrong words. He said, "well you said you did that and I got very worried." He has given me HIS password to the entire company network so that I can use this function to back up my files.
It's nice that he trusts me to give me this access, but, honestly I don't want it. I'm afraid to have it. Because you can bet that every couple of months I will use the wrong words and we will repeat this conversation.
So after I calmed down I told him that maybe we should come up with another way to back up my files. I used to use a Zip drive, but that is old technology. I say maybe I should pick up some re-writable CDs. He tells me about some other option that I can't recall now.
I ask him which one of those would be best. He says, "I told you which method is best (using the employer's server) but you don't want to use that." I say, "I am afraid to use it. I am afraid that this will happen again. I know this will happen again. This makes me feel inadequate because I can't remember how it works. Can you understand that? Can you put yourself in my shoes and think of something that makes you feel inadequate and how you want to avoid that thing?" He says no he can't; he can't think of anything that makes him feel inadequate. I tell him I must be married to Mr. Spock.
I try talking more (which I probably shouldn't do, but dang, I don't know what else to do and I'm starting to feel incredibly frustrated and hopeless). I try everything I can think of to help him see my POV. I concede that I understand that it's frustrating to him when I don't use the right words. I say that when he first realizes he doesn't understand me I wish he could say that and then ask me to explain it again. Maybe he could repeat back to me what he is hearing until we both understand. (I didn't tell him that, I just thought of it.) Maybe he did repeat back and I said, "no that's not what I meant." He said, "well that's what you said. Now I'm supposed to be able to interpret your words when you don't say what you mean? How am I supposed to do that?"
He says basically he doesn't know why it has to be so complicated. The system he set up is very simple. I say maybe it is simple, but somehow I end up saying something about it that alarms him. I just want to put us both out of our misery and find another method. Maybe down the road when we've worked on our issues more we can revisit this. But right now it just makes me too nervous. I want a method I feel comfortable with. Then he says that a new method won't solve the problem because I'll still come to him with a problem like I don't know where my disk is, or I can't get the computer to read the files or whatever. I say, "OK, well maybe I need to turn everything over to you and let you do all the backups and then we won't have to worry about it." This is not acceptable to him either.
So we are at an impasse. I told him early on in the argument that he could completely diffuse the situation by coming over, putting his arm around me and telling me we'll work it out. I gave him a couple of opportunities to do that but he withdrew. I said it may be counterintuitive to you, but when this happens, I need you to reach out to me, not shut me out. I am feeling unloved, frustrated, angry, mad, sad, and probably every other emotion there is. He says he is frustrated too.
I also said I thought we should go to MC and he didn't respond. I said I didn't expect it to magically fix our problems. I see a MC as a third-party interpreter, like the Japanese interpreter who helps our new Red Sox pitcher communicate with the team and the fans. I'm very tired of doing this dance and I just want to find a way to fix it. And I can't do it by myself. I'm feeling very frustrated because I'm working to change my attitude and confront my issues but it's not enough.
This won't solve the communication problem, but would it be reasonable for you to take a couse on computers, or hire a professional to help you with this? If you became more knowledgeable, learned the correct terms and how to back up your info yourself, H wouldn't have to rescue you and you'd gain some confidence in the process. Maybe even doing a google search for info and reading up on how things work could help. My H is not very good with computers and we often end up frustrated with each other too. It takes SO long to explain the simplest things to him and he's not interested really, so he doesn't retain it. He gets upset because I'm not patient, and I just get tired because it's hard to understand why he isn't interested in keeping up with technology he's trying to use. It's like trying to teach a 10 year old how to use a fork. Not to be critical of you, but just to tell you how it makes me feel when we go over this time and time again. OTOH, I have no problem just doing stuff for H because it's much easier then being frustrated with each other.
BTW, zip drives might be old technology, but they work. Do you have a problem with using the zip drive, or does your H? If it's him (and you don't want to learn a new way to do things right now), yet he wants you to take responsibility for backing up your files, I'd go with the technology that you understand and ignore his grumbling until it become an entirely obsolete method.
This is absolutely totally a script that has happened between me and bf a zillion times.
I start out feeling okay, forget I'm afraid of his reaction, hit a snag, ask him for help in all innocence but use a technical word in an incorrect way, he doesn't understand what I said (or pretends not to understand in order to punish me for a) having a problem, b) using the word wrong, c) who knows?), and off we go.
First of all, it would make me NUTS to have the password to ANYONE'S work network if I were not employed there. Holy cr@p!
Quote:
It's nice that he trusts me to give me this access
Well, it's sort of nice, but it's also unintentionally setting you up for a major snafu if something goes wrong. THAT'S not nice, especially when you don't want to do it this way.
Get one of these babies and start backing up at home: 320 gig. My friend got one at Sam's for $126.
But if he's like my bf, he will say THAT'S not the problem and you'll be off again.
You quoted cac as saying
Quote:
He says no he can't; he can't think of anything that makes him feel inadequate.
Hmmm... again, if he's like my bf, the fact is that EVERYTHING makes him feel inadequate; that's why he's on a hair trigger of defensiveness. And for me (or you) to roll over, act humble, and bare (y)our throat(s) makes him feel like even more of a bully, so to compensate, he has to come on even stronger.
I nodded all through your description of your responses and his responses. We go through this all the time. The first time we went to C (the first of the three C's we've been to. I personally have been to SEVEN C's since I met him. (One of them died.)), I wanted to have someone referee these asinine convos like the very one you described. Well, we had one of those exchanges YESTERDAY... so...?
Go to Sam's, get the My Book, and start using it. All you do is plug it in and drag your My Documents folder to it. Don't bother with a "backup routine" or anything. The trouble with those is that it's like packing up all your household goods into millions of boxes. The only way to find anything is to "restore," i.e., to unpack everything and set up all the furniture. When you drag your whole My Documents folder to an external storage medium, it's like moving your whole house, lock, stock, and barrel. If you have a problem, you just enter the backed up place and everything is right there where you can find it.
I wonder if he's on edge about something else? This seems like a tempest in a teacup.
_________
ETA
Zip drives are ANCIENT technology, and you don't need a computer course or a professional. Portable media are so HUGE now and so cheap that you just plug them in and drag folders. Even simpler than burning a cd. No extra program is needed as with burning a cd.
This is a tough one for me, because no matter how many courses I take I still won't remember things unless I do them all the time. I used to work in an office and was proficient in Windows and Office apps, but so much has changed in 5 years. As a SAHM I just don't get much practice anymore, nor do I have the time to devote to it. OTOH, H does this all day as an IT person. I admit that I'm not a technical person by nature and I don't have the interest in it that H does. But I thought it was OK for me to be the household/childcare expert and H to be the tech/home maintenance/etc. expert.
This isn't really so much about the technology anyway. It's about a black-and-white type 5 (H) dealing with a gazillion-shades-of-gray type 4 (me). We've been doing this dance for 20+ years, long before we owned a computer.
H said that Zip drives were old technology. He suggested the current method instead of installing the Zip in the computer he built last year.
I start out feeling okay, forget I'm afraid of his reaction, hit a snag, ask him for help in all innocence but use a technical word in an incorrect way, he doesn't understand what I said (or pretends not to understand in order to punish me for a) having a problem, b) using the word wrong, c) who knows?), and off we go.
Yeah. I'm sorry you understand this so well. I get mad at myself sometimes for forgetting. But I'm sure you understand when I say that it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to stay avoidant for long. I'll do it for a few days after an event like this, but it doesn't take long before I'm just chatting away, opening myself up again. H, OTOH, can completely avoid talking to me about a subject that is sensisitve to him. He talked about this last fall.
it would make me NUTS to have the password to ANYONE'S work network if I were not employed there. Holy cr@p!
I need to clarify here. Before he built our present computer last fall, I was using a dinosaur laptop (because the "good" computer had died). The only way to back up large files from the laptop was through his server at work. When he brought home a laptop from work on the weekend, I could transfer large files to his office. If I needed to upload/download small files, I could do that directly from the server to the old laptop WITH HIS PASSWORD.
Now that he has built a new great computer, I no longer need the password at all, but see, I'm confused like I said. Typing out my original message and seeing your reply reminded me that the method he wants me to use now doesn't even require using his password. It just requires that I put my files (and work on them) in a special folder on our computer and run an application. And it is simple. Except for the fact that I get confused and I use the wrong words.
Get one of these babies and start backing up at home: 320 gig. My friend got one at Sam's for $126.
Actually, he suggested something that you stick in a USB port as an option. Anyway, there is no answer because he is the expert. I just can't start tampering with what he's got here because it's HIS computer and HIS network. He lets me use it. What I'm asking him to do is to REMEMBER that I get confused (shouldn't be a problem because he remembers everything). Cut me a little slack. Throw me a bone. I'm his wife, he loves me, right? Why is it so hard to back up a little and try to understand what I'm saying?
he can't think of anything that makes him feel inadequate
He discussed his FOO stuff a bit last fall. He is a dismissive/advoidant. I told him he doesn't ALLOW himself to feel inadequate or, for that matter, to feel anything else. Anger is the only emotion he seems comfortable expressing, but even that isn't very often. I talk and he endures it until I tire of it. Then he goes about his business and sweeps everything under the rug. Nothing has been resolved and I end up burying my feelings after a few days until the next event.
I wonder if he's on edge about something else? This seems like a tempest in a teacup.
He threw his back out a week ago and has been home all week. I've been pushing him to take better care of his health and be more proactive. He needs to start doing his back exercises again, and he needs to see an endocrinologist. He is unable to lose abdominal weight because his hypothyroidism isn't under control. His heart meds make it even worse. The weight adds a lot of stress to his back.
I saw something about type 5s on the Enneagram Institute that jumped out at me. I think it was under the Addictive section. It said that type 5s tend to abuse their bodies/health. I think this definitely applies to H (I told him this).
When we went through infertility a few years ago, he was on a mission to solve the problem. He chatted online with experts, found doctors, discovered a problem with one of his meds that the doctor missed, essentially left no stone unturned. I can honestly say that without his research, we would not have our son. I asked him recently why he doesn't apply that same problem-solving energy to his own health. Does he think it isn't worth it?
So after I calmed down I told him that maybe we should come up with another way to back up my files. I used to use a Zip drive, but that is old technology. I say maybe I should pick up some re-writable CDs. He tells me about some other option that I can't recall now.
USB thumb/flash drive works well for backing up data. There is a 2 GB on sale this week for $25. I have an old 265K, 2-1GB, and thinking about buying the 2GB for $25. I saw a 1GB last week at OfficeDepot and with the rebate, the final cost was $8 http://www.officedepot.com/textSearch.do?uniqueSearchFlag=true&Ntt=USB+thumb+drive
I say, "I am afraid to use it. I see your point and wouldn't press the issue if your were my W. I wouldn't expect you to use the company back-up.
company back is good if your equipment gets damaged/fire/theft. I would expect your H to back up from the USB drive to the company network on a monthly basis.
I have Quicken 2006 for home finance/investments and Quickbooks for my business.
Quicken (3 levels/versions) has an web based back-up service that is free for recent versions of the program. You can back-up to the hard drive, to the USB drive, and to the web based location.
I have Quicken 2006 deluxe and track my investments. The program connects to investment databases and updates the current stock prices. I have some of my investment institution* data, dividends, recent news down-loaded directly into my Quicken 2006 accounts. Maybe your bank has a similar service for your checking account. *(Scottrade. Schwab, E-Trade to name a few possible investment institutions)
The automatic data entry from the financial institution eliminates transpositions like 69.87 where it should have been entered as 69.78.
Microsoft Money has similar features but I only have limited experience using Money.
My H is not very good with computers ... It takes SO long to explain the simplest things to him and he's not interested really, so he doesn't retain it. That is my W.
Its about my inadequate mind-reading skills. (ford: its "quicken" that we're using...quickBOOKS is for businesses. I hope that doesn't make you feel inadequate).
She doesn't need to hire an IT professional; I *am* an IT professional. I've also got an external hard disk.
W has forgotten more about computers than most of my users will ever know. Otherwise, I wouldn't have given her the password.
she's a good driver, too. But imagine this hypothetical scenario: If she were to come home and tell me that she crashed the car, (theoretically possible, driving skills aside), I would immediately become upset. But then imagine, after I express my feelings of shock and horror at the potential negative aspects of such an event, that she actually meant "parked" the car...not "crashed".
I should have *known* that she meant "parked".
This is a huge personality flaw on my part, and I am at a complete loss as to how to overcome it. But I think its pretty common. I bet my friends at the fire department would be rather upset if, the next time your cat is stuck up a tree, you dial 911 and yell "fire". But they're a bunch of jerks, too.
