Hi I've been reading alot of different postings. It is amazing how many stories are the same. My story is I've been married 25 years 2 S one 21 and one 22. They are very supportive of me. My husband got a job in 2002 that took him away from home for a year and a half. We were in a family business with his dad and brother who weren't here also. I took care of the whole business plus worked a partime job for 2 days and did all the boys High school sports and activities. It seemed the harder I tried to make things work the less he appreciated it. My husband had an A with a so called friend who changed herself into everything that he didn't like about me. We have been off and on for the last 4 years. She is no longer in the picture after she stalked me and him. He was still on different jobs 2 or 3 months at a time. The boys and I tried to visit as much as we could and still run the business. Last fall H broke down and begged me to stay and we would start over even though he was 500 miles away. He said he had never treated me right. I wish I had looked up DB then. He then withdrew again. I look back now and see how depressed I was. We then had a tragic accident this summer to our nephew who was killed and my husband came back to help another brother. He now is 1hr and 1/2 away and wanted us to pull together as a family. We seem to all be trying and then I find out he is seeing AW that has been divorced 10yrs and has played the field and left her 4 kids to be raised by their dad. Only recently is she trying to be a mom to her daughter. She has no friends and her family don't even agree with what she does this is not her first married man. He said it was just some one to talk to now after 5 months he tells me he can't sleep with me because he is sleeping with her. He has his own place. We had a big fight over her and he told me our marriage has been over for 4 years but he still acts like it isn't,so confusing for me. He treats me really nice one day and could careless the next. Then he calls me back and says I love you but I don't know if we can live together. He tells me that I am the most loyal and loving person and the greatest mom and he doesn't know why he is hanging out with a bitch like her and not me that it is his problem not mine. He calls me aleast 2or 3 times a day. He took me out for dinner on our anniversary and for my birthday and was very nice. He always holds me and gives me lots of kisses when he leaves. The boys haven't spent much time with him and the youngest one just started talking to him alittle after he found out about the OW. We used to be a close family. Even now during Christmas we had a really goood time and are close as a family. His family thinks he needs to grow up. I have went thru the anger and feeling like I am worthless. I have lost 25 lbs. changed my hair and tanned. Everyone says I look good which is nice to know. It is amazing how you can let your self go and feel so worthless. I still run the business and work full time now so it is hard but I have real supportive friends and my sil's and his sister and I are good friends. I didn't want to loose my family. He says we just have never set the goals because of being in a family business it is hard and it has been because of such strong personalities. I guess I just had to vent and see if any one has any advice. I had posted a bit on 2940 posting. If any one has any advice I'm willing to listen. I have tried not to ask questions and give him more space and joke with him and just act like we are friends. When I get insecure I start trying to make converstion by asking a lot of questions ( I guess) that is what he tells me and he hates that. He wants to talk just business that is interesting to him so he says but he can talk to her for an hour and even learned to text message. So I've worked on that. I have listened to motivatinal tapes like Zig Ziglar. Started doing Pilates. Sometimes I really doubt myself thinking is it worth it. Has he fallen so far out of love with me that we will never be able to have a R. Will he ever appreciate me and respect me. I just hate thinking about starting over even though I have lived by my self most of the time. We live in the country so it is aleast 20 miles to go do anything. It has been extremely hard with the boys at college. Well I guess I have talked enough.
I guess I should tell you he is 51 and I am 48. M 25 yrs. Found out he was seeing other woman in October but he had been talking to her since 1st of Sept. She had told people that we were divorced. I told him about that and he said she wouldn't say that and when he ask her she said no. We live in an area where you know people from all over that is how I found out.
Penny, Hang in there and remember that you are not worthless. You are "carrying the freight" for your whole family and that must be really difficult. Yet your efforts and dedication do have a great deal of value -- more than you may percieve at times. We all have to learn that no matter how good or how bad our relationship with our spouse is, one's value as a human being, as a child of God, can not be determined by another.
I am sorry I have no "advice." If I did, it would be like the blind leading the blind.
I would suggest to find ways to treat yourself, and to find joy in the moment wherever possible. I know it sounds easier than it is, and some days are better than others, but remember you are worthy!
Me: Male, 41 Spouse: 40 Married since: 1994 Children: 2
Thanks John, I guess it is just reassuring to have someone tell you to hang in there. It has been a tough struggle but I have improved alot. I'm trying hard to GAL like I used to have till I thought I had to do cling to H because I realized finally that I was loosing him.
It is amazing how many post and M have gone thru the same situations. I wish I would have found this site years ago. What a difference it could make.
If he told you about the questioning...then, yes, stop it. It sounds like he does still care for you...so I would be a little more unavailable to him. Maybe miss a few of his calls.
Be mysterious, rushed to get off the phone without any reason as to why...end the conversation early and be the one to end it. Don't tell him everything you do...let him wonder.
Thanks 1210 I will try and do that. I always tell myself don't talk to him every time he calls but I usually do. I don't sit around and wait anymore. I appreciate your help
I just had a phone call from my SIL (whos is my H sister and a good friend of mine) She had talked to the OW SIL and found out a whole bunch of stuff. The OW has slept with my BIL twice and He is not married to the sister but is H brother. She also tried to get at another B whose wife had cancer but he didn't go for it. She is after money and a name only thing there is no money right now would she be surprised. I guess she tried to trash me to her family and they stood up for me saying that I was a good mother and wife and was a hoenest person. It is a place where people know each other so we are known and I guess they thought they were keeping it a secret.
I was doing good and proud of my self for not snooping. I have told him all about her and he didn't believe me. He doesn't know about the 2nd time with his B because she told him she didn't. But she told her own family she did.
I know it doesn't do any good to think about it. I had even told 2490 not to think negative thoughts and here I am. I guess I just needed to vent. YOu and imLin give such good advice and are so supportive I just had to talk. I know not to bring it up but what goes thru their head (iguess nothing but sex and a fun time no strings attached.) She is such a lying and manipulating person and treats her kids like nothing.
What is so weird she comes from a good family.
OK I just needed to vent and obsess for a minute maybe now I can sleep a little. I just hate it and then you fight your head why am I staying. He has been really good the last week which makes me nervous because I don't know if he is being nice or just felling obligated to call. He used to call me then call her every morning early. then he just called her early and me later in the morning. Now its back to calling me in the morning. I haven't gotten the phone bill to see if he still calls her. I'm sure. AHHHH
Sorry I'm by myself so I just need to write a story.
My financial situation is we had to invest in a family business since the accident of our nephew and it has us strapped now. it would be foolish for me to leave. but sometimes I think mentally will I stay sane.
I'm not getting any younger and if he really had any feelings for me he would have come back and stayed. I guess tonite I'm just fighting my head.
Thanks for the advice and I know that obsessing does no good. I guess writing it helps me deal with it.
I am stronger now and know that I can survive where when I used to hear about her and him it would devestate me.
I am having a major melt down today!!!! I have a family Emergency but my H has his celll phone off because of OW. I left a message stating in no uncertain terms (not to nicely) it would be nice if he would turn his phone on on weekends because we are in a family business ( that he doesn't want to be involved.) and we need to get a hold of him. It has just worn on me not anwsering his phone on week ends. He tells me he needs time to himself. How stupid am I.
Please I just need some support and advice if anyone has any.
I am having a major melt down today!!!! I have a family Emergency but my H has his celll phone off because of OW. I left a message stating in no uncertain terms (not to nicely) it would be nice if he would turn his phone on on weekends because we are in a family business ( that he doesn't want to be involved.) and we need to get a hold of him. It has just worn on me not anwsering his phone on week ends. He tells me he needs time to himself. How stupid am I.
Please I just need some support and advice if anyone has any.
Are you sure its something you have to talk to him about? Because like you have said he does not answer the phone on the weekends, he probably will not get the message till Monday.
This would be a good opportunity for you take care of things on your own without him. That way when he does contact you you can tell him its already been resolved. If he asks how just say its been taken care of and leave it at that.
Remember to be mysterious. This is also a great way to show your strength to him
Penny - seems to me you have to take a lot of responsibility for most of the work in your business and marriage - and that just doesn't seem fair.
I guess I don't have a full picture of your whole story, but what is your Hs role in the business? In the family? Why do you have to do everything? Why can't he be contacted on an emergency matter? Where does he get off treating you like this?
I think we need to start doing the same sort of boundary work with you that 2940 has been doing? Yes?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thank you for the advice. After I kinda got over being mad I usually handle everything anyway. I talked with my boys and we will handle the problem this Monday morning. MY H still hadn't called me or the boys last night or this morning. I really believe he is going thru a MLC in full form ..He is 51.
I will try and explain our situtation more tonite so you can get the whole story.
Yes, I do shoulder most of the responsibilty of our ranching business. It started 5 years ago when my H took a job as an enviro inspector. It paid really well but it keeps him from home a lot. So most of our responsility is mine we are in a partnership with his brother who has a different business also and his dad who helps me (but it we have a few disagreements on things too.) It is harder now that I work full time because when this job came along I thought I should take it incase we did get a divorce. My boys are good to help but they are in college so they come when they can.
Well I have to get ready to go to work. When you have been with someone for 27 years its pretty tough to move forward but I have made great progress.
