Thanks for the input, albeit not really very positive. I understand the risk, and the sacrifice I'm challenged with. If it were'nt for our kid's we'd be long gone, I'd be skipping through the flowers. I love her, I adore her, I think she's beautiful, but I have other opinions about her too that I don't mention much and I don't care to dwell on. I could have made a wiser choice in a mate.
I'll tell you the toughest thing is the kids, our family. We live very well together, very friendly, open, and fun. If she were an absolute ogar, I could'nt live with that. But the laundry always gets done, the house is neat and clean, the meals always ready, and we talk, ALOT. It's a great friendship, partnership, just no romance.
It's a risk/reward thing, like making a decision on what medical procedure to take to try and save your life. Do I stay in a R that is really very healthy, but without physical intimacy, or leave it for the possibilities of something better? I have no doubt it would be EASY to find a better R, but how long would that last? I don't have a very good history with R's. In fact I think I'm going to try to go gay next time if I have to go around again. Women are just too nasty and complicated. I think a nice cute guy like the singer with the girl lips might just be the ticket. We'll get him a boob job, wax all the hair off and maybe THAT'LL do it.
There's also the option of living together as friends until the kid's are grown up, and then go separate ways. That might not be the best for me, but it's definately the best for them.
Checking out and sealing the deal still seems the easy approach to me though. I'm crawling in women. They love me. I'm a good looking, fun, nice, exciting, out of the box, kind of guy. ALL the most eligible women around these parts knows my status. They're watching and waiting like a school of barracuda. I've traveled around, been on many different adventures, but there's just one thing I don't do very well, and that's QUIT!
I'll do that when I'm dead.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
it is nice you are so commited to her. i sure wish she had made the changes you have made and took the time to appreciate you. i like you Cog you are a really great example to so many here. i am sorry but I really do not like your wife at all. guess all you can do is pray for God to perform a mighty big wonder on her stone cold heart.
I have men (usually his friends) telling me "whenever you get tired of him, let me know" and "does he know how lucky he is to have you" etc. etc.
It's amazing - perhaps we should trade spouses. My H sounds just like your wife. He makes the absolutely perfect roommate - but that is not what I would prefer right now. However, at the same time I have to think "do I really want to start all over in another R - actually no, I have committed so much time and effort to this one that the thought of having to go through it all over again, just for the romance, seems a little shallow on my part at time. He's a great guy and I love him to pieces but ... (there's always that but isn't there?)
Unfortunately, like you, I'm not a very good quitter and it seems like I will continue to hang on to what I think "could be" for the time being.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
There's something else that should not be overlooked or shortchanged. My W has incredible integrity, she's very sensitive, a fantastic mom to the kid's, a very spiritual, caring and supportive woman. She's not evil, or deceitful.
She loved me when not very many other's did, and she loved me unconditionally. For example, I used to chew tobacco. I had tobacco in my lip from sunup to sundown. Always there. For awhile I used those little copenhagen packets that you put in your lip. At night, I'd just take it out and set it on the nightstand. Four, five, ten would stack up there and she'd eventually clean them up for me. I'd just laugh about it.
I left clothes everywhere, never cleaned a thing around the house. I passed wind whenever I wanted wherever without a care, in fact I even held her under the covers one time laughing while I gassed her. I treated her like crap when the food was'nt good, or when I had a bad day. I never held her unless I wanted sex, I did'nt listen to her, and I made her feel stupid for having feelings about things. I reminded her constantly that I was better and she was flawed. I gave little back to her but a pay check.
Oh I'm no saint my friends, I've gotten just what I deserved and I've got a long ways to go before I'll have earned the priviledge and blessing of my W's undying love. I'm darned lucky and blessed to have what I have right now. Our living environment is very healthy and vibrant, especially for the kids. It won't be me that pours cold water on them, not while I have a choice.
This is a battle my friends, a spiritual calling. This struggle has taught me many things about myself, some very ugly, some very beautiful. I would not have opened my heart to these things had I not had a hot iron shoved there. Nor would I have learned and grown if I'd have quit long ago. I'll keep standing because I'm called to stand. Because there's still so much to learn about myself, and about loving my brother's and sister's.
This struggle goes far deeper than me, my needs for sex, my expectations, my selfish human desires. I'm in it for the long haul, and I'll see the blessings that I'm meant to see.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I have to admit that I'm kind of at a loss for words with your situation. I don't understand all your wife's seeming uncertainties. It's almost as though she's not quite in the relationship. She realizes you are a good guy, but it seems more like she doesn't want you to get away just in case, rather than she's actually made the choice that you are the one for her. Know what I mean? It's feels more like, "I should love him", rather than "I do love him." But then again, I've never understood how you could love someone and not want to show it in a physical way.
When my XW finally told me she loved me, I was out of town having fun and she told me over the phone. She was waiting at my house for me and she promptly initiated sex. So, to me, reconciliation is hard to see when you don't get the whole ball of wax. Then again, there are plenty of sex-starved marriages out there. But I had in mind that I would not allow reconciliation if I was a fall-back plan. I knew I deserved better than to be her security blanket.
I'm rambling, but one thing I took from your posts is this sense that because of your past you now don't deserve more from your relationship. You do. You made the changes. You aren't the person you were back then and you deserve it all. I don't think there is any reason to justify why you shouldn't expect physical intimacy or to excuse her seeming indifference to your needs.
But how do you make it work? I don't know. I think you are so attentive to her needs now and such a good husband, that you might also come across as needy and dependent. Perhaps you need to take a little more "me" time and try to exude an, "I'm with you because I choose to be, not because I need to be", type attitude. Focus on your GAL activities for awhile. I really get this feeling that unless she is forced to come to grips with the idea that you aren't a given, she won't make the moves necessary to cement the relationship.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
This struggle goes far deeper than me, my needs for sex, my expectations, my selfish human desires. I'm in it for the long haul, and I'll see the blessings that I'm meant to see
Just beautiful..... this is what you are supposed to say.I too have told my h that I would stay with him regardless if we could ever have sex again, if he was ever unable to walk etc etc I would love him always even if he could do nothing for me b/c I love him and have chosen to give my life to him.. When you love someone really truly love someone you are in it for the long haul not just when your EGO is doing ok~
It really is not about YOU when you love someone it is actually supposed to be all about them..... ( read that somewhere) and that is the the motto I chose when I left my EGO at the door and fought for my M. Had my EGO gotten in the way I would not be here today that I know for sure.... Keep venting Cog and let go and keep on your way. You are doing well,, you just need to let her be. Maybe one day she an let go of all that you did. Hopefully for her sake she can and then you will also feel like a weight has been lifted. I hope God will bless her to let go of the old you and enbrace her Happiness. I used to hold onto the old too and not let go.. letting go is the hardest part.. .letting go and trusting that when you fall someone will be there to catch you.if you did all those things you stated I think they are wrong and she most likely felt very degraded very hurt by someone who was supposed to love her and protect her ...
Quote:
I never held her unless I wanted sex, I did'nt listen to her, and I made her feel stupid for having feelings about things. I reminded her constantly that I was better and she was flawed. I gave little back to her but a pay check.
my H has been guilty of these things... and he thought the Paycheck or the beautiful Cadillac was supposed to cover all the BS he did.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I applaud you ~ Sorry you are not getting exactly what you deserve.. but your blessings are still many and good things come to those who wait. You have to realize we all care a lot about you here and we do not like to see you suffer... but you have chosen to take the high road and live in the light now.. how wonderful.
God bless you honey.. God still HAS BLESSINGS IN STORE FOR YOU JUST KEEP BEING YOU..... Sex is beautiful and divine but there are many other ways to show love.. thank God you know that.You know for me that is an area where I struggle to really let go and be vulnerable.. So I empathize greatly and I thank you for you frankness and for your posts so that I may see what I can do also for my own life. You are doing well ~
My H used to never ever put me first and I used to feel too like I was just a sex object and not his partner.. it has taken me a lot of work and going into the depths of hell to let go and face my fears. I have to give in but it is scary as h*ll! I am still hoping when he gets home that I can let down my defenses really well,,, truly let go and trust,,, and ML like I never have before to him the Man I love~
.... but the man who has also hurt me more than I care to remember.Just give myself fully without fear, no more hiding and trying to protect myself.Being naked , my bare soul and that is REALLY scary.... Will he take me and love me and hold me and cover me and protect me forever and hold me above all others???Will he love me back and allow me to feel loved and safe in his arms? Crying now~ This is deep stuff honey..... God is good and great and he has a plan .... COG you are a wonderful man just keep folowing your heart and listening to that small voice in you and you will keep moving in the right direction.
I need to note that I have a great life. I live in one of the most beautiful area's in the WORLD. I have a great career, four awesome kid's and a huge extended family. COG is generally a VERY grateful and fulfilled person. I love life! Sure there's that little problem with the W, but it's minor compared to the fun that I have LIVING! Trust me, I am out of the dark depression, I am loving life again. I've got the boat ready and I'm meeting up with some old college bud's to do some fishin next weekend. It does'nt get any better than that.
Whatever happens in the M is going to happen. I'll accept it either way. I'm easy, and tired of fighting reality. I choose to accept reality, and have fun anyway. I'd like to have a little sex once in awhile, but it's not worth the price of admission. Me and Rosy will do just fine.
Honestly, I enjoy living with my W. She takes care of everything. Woman goes nonstop, 90 MPH, and gets stuff done. I need to learn to just get out of the way.
It may sound like I'm trying to justify my existence but I'm really being very honest about things. If I demand, push for sex, there are negative repercussions, so I need to stay out of that cheeseless tunnel for now. So what? I'm going fishing!
One thing is for sure, I'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt if and when it's time to quit. I'll know it without any doubt!
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Great post. Life does sound good. I know what you mean about a wife that goes non-stop. Sometimes it would be nice if mine would slow down and just go with the flow.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I'm rambling, but one thing I took from your posts is this sense that because of your past you now don't deserve more from your relationship. You do. You made the changes. You aren't the person you were back then and you deserve it all. I don't think there is any reason to justify why you shouldn't expect physical intimacy or to excuse her seeming indifference to your needs.
Well I really don't deserve a second chance, but I'm hopefull. See, you can't just smash somebody in the face with a shovel, then apologize, help clean up the mess, promise never to do it again, and turnaround and think you are deserving of another chance. Now she was'nt perfect mind you, but that's HER business, and MY business is in accepting the consequences of my actions. She might never be able to see again through her mangled face, and that's My fault because I swung the shovel.
I don't beat myself up over it, I'm not condemning myself, trust me I have high self esteem. I also have the balls to look myself in the mirror and admit what a prick I was, and still can be sometimes. Maybe she still senses my potential for being a jerk. Maybe she just can't get past the memories of all those shovel beatings I gave her. Maybe by admitting to myself that I'm a sinner, human being and flawed, I'll be able to recognize the opportunity to change and grow. Maybe this is my chance to become someone better, stronger, and more able to love.
Nope, I would'nt trade this struggle for anything. It's just too dam good for me.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
you just keep convincing yourself of this and tell yourself over and over that you dont deserve any better. keep swallowing the [censored] and try not to choke on it, and maybe you could do some of that self flaggilence too it might help you really feel bad. dont forget a couple of confessions with the priest because cog deserves all of this bad treatment. you do not deserve this punishment from your wife and that is what it is. i am sorry and you can tell me to go to hell if you want but your wife is a selfish bitch. she is only interested in herself and she is too wound up in her own little world to see that you are hurting. tell her to reach deep down and find some compassion. you are being punished. you keep trying and you get slapped in t he face over and over. you are not a dog. getting an occasional pat on the back for good behavior is not enough. you need more and you deserve more. cog we all [censored] up in our marriages. this is part of the peicing. BOTH have to work at it not just one person. stop feeling guilty for having feelings. too bad she doesnt have any.And did i mention that i hate the smell of burning martyr.
