i am new to piecing, have been hanging out on the We're separated board... my H has finally agreed that he wants to work on our marriage. he has been seeing soemone else for a little over 3 months now and finally broke it off with her. he and I have been separated on and off again for over a year now, each taking turns at being the WAS.
H has been living in a town 3 hours away, and I am going over there thursday evening to talk about the logistics of S3 and I moving in with him.
i am trying to give him as much space as possible and to give him time to adjust to his decision. have tried the old ILY thing a couple of times now and not sure if that is a good idea yet or not. i can tell it makes him uncomfortable to hear it still.
he has a circle of friends that are all in common with OW, and one of H's best friends is dating OW's good friend. i can tell that he is really struggling with how to handle his social circle. i am kind of at a loss about re-establishing myself as his wife. i don't want to be pushy, but i also want to make my boundaries clear. he cannot keep in contact with OW any more. yes they have in common friends, and he may see her out socially, but it is not going to be acceptable for me for them to communicate in any way.
any advice you all might have to offer will be greatly appreciated.
I haven't been here very long but I have one small thing to tell you - it's hard, very hard to piece and the roller coaster ride won't be very much fun either
I know that might sound negative but its reality and its a difficult ride at the best of times. Some here even say its harder than being separated - I would have to agree
Take it one step at a time, don't rush into anything right now. You might need more time to think about something that he does, and that's ok. The main thing is you are both willing to work on your R and that's definitely a good thing
Best of luck to you
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
just posted to you on the H wanting back "today" thread. Good luck, see if it helps. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
WTH????!!! You were right to be wary. He has not had enough of the "other side" to know what the heck he wants. Cake, ice cream, what flavor?? Protect yourself and your kids. Check out the site that 4kids wrote about on FaithIsBelieving's thread. It's from al-anon but you can call the MLCer an MLCaholic b/c most of it applies. The detachment and forgiveness parts helped enormously. So do some of Marianne Williamson's books about anger and "return to love". (Sorry if I'm repeating myself with that author's reference). But You have to detach in order to just LIVE and get on with the rest of the world, rather than waiting around for him to decide IF and WHEN he does.
So sorry. And mad at him. I bet if you told him not to bother telling you anything about a reconciliation unless he is actually ready for one, he might figure out that you dislike the game of yo-yo. It is SO unfair and selfish. And weird. Didn't he say he had "never been more sure of anything"?? He needs help. Sorry, and sending ((HUGS)) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
That's disappointing, but it's much better that if he does commit to working on the marriage he be 100% in it. With a history of yo-yoing you need him to be absolutely certain. You don't want to do this to yourself or your child.
My husband has a history of yo-yoing too. He "sat on the fence" for many years so I know how frustrating and painful that can be.
If you do get back together, any way you can become friends with his friends? And avoid expressing any jealousy and cattiness toward OW so you appear like the nicest, most fabulous woman on earth? I'd probably try to start developing that right away... even if you don't reconcile. It never hurts to have more friends, aquaintances and potential admirers!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
keeping your dignity in the face of such heartbreak is a great model and example for your child. They will be hurt/betrayed someday. And they'll know that their pain is not fatal, nor is it eternal. Your life will get better. You will laugh again and soon.(rent some comedies asap). You will feel love again, and maybe it'll be with your H. Maybe not. But stay calm, don't ever "lose it" in front of him. If you do, b/c you are human, pick yourself up and dust yourself off, and keep on keeping on. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
K, My husband too said he wanted to try to work on us. We have been separated for 5 months and there is OW. Two weeks ago he came home to work on us and it lasted less than a week. He is now back to saying he wants a divorce, he tried but he doesn't have feelings for me. I did backslide and we argued about the OW. The entire time we have been separated we have seen each other almost weekly, it definitely has been a yoyo. I feel your pain, they are so unpredictable. Just keep working on yourself. We can't change them only make ourselves better.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
OK - so we are back on track. H is truly committed. Had to yo-yo a couple of times and actually tell me to my face that he wanted a divorce before he realized that it was the wrong choice. he is really back, wearing his wedding ring, we are even spending the weekend with a bunch of our old, and his new friends.
in kind of the honeymoon phase right now, seems like a good place to stay for a bit - the road has been really long. i know that there is much work to do here, but i know that we are finally on the same page.
Don't be so sure about "on the same page". Take this slow. No long term talk. No pressure. Continue to focus a fair amount of your time and energy on you and your child. This is in no way a done deal. If you start getting weak, needy, and clingy, he'll get scared and run.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
