Is it over for me?

[Yoyowife]

I've been visiting this site for several months now and reading excellent advice. I need input on my situation. My H announced in Oct. 06 that he wanted out of our marriage of twenty years He wasn't happy and we had grown apart. I did not see this coming as most spouses don't. I asked if there was someone else and he said there wasn't. He said he wanted a divorce, but never filed for one. In December 06 I discover that he is having an affair with his secretary. I also found out at this time that she left her husband and filed for divorce 4 days after my H dropped the bomb on me. I questioned him about it and he said it was a lie. During all of these months,he has been coming around me. Everything would seem fine for a few days and then he would become distant again. In January 07 I found solid evidence that he was seeing his secretary. I again confronted him and he denied it. During all of this time I have tried DB, I've lost lots of weight, changed my wardrobe, and let my hair grow, and GAL, He noticed all of these positives. About a week ago I let my temper get the best of me and I confronted him about him being distant. I had gone to dinner with him and he was cool during this time. I asked if he wanted to go to dinner with our 2 daughters (15 and 18) and me on Friday. He said I don't know and acted real distant. I said you are going to her house (OW)as soon as I leave, aren't you? He sneaks to her house after her S(8) goes to bed. The neighbor across the street of OW has seen this. He said I don't go to her house. I started crying and told him to quit lying to me. I had too much evidence and knew it was true. I told him if he loved her he should be with her. He said I don't love her, I love you. I said I can't take you being with us both anymore, just file for divorce. He said I don't want a divorce anymore. I did, but not now. He did finally admit to the affair. He said we needed to work on us. I said he would have to fire her. He said he would. He came home with me that night, which was a Thurs. I asked the next day if he had told her she had to leave yet and he said they had a big job coming up and he really needed her help. I thought I better not push him so I dropped it. He stayed with me Thurs. thru Wed. but then started acting distant again. He came over that Thurs. night for dinner, but left afterwards. I asked him if I would see him Friday and he said he would call. He never did. I went to his place Saturday and he was acting really distant. I asked him what was wrong and he said he needed space. I said did you fire her yet? He said I hate to fire her because she is so good. I told him well that tells me you are still with her. He said I am not. He said I came over those nights to see if it could work, but I just don't have feelings for you. I have to be happy too. He said he wants to go thru with the divorce. Is it too late for us?

[Yoyowife]

M 44
WAH 43
M 20 years
Together 24 years
D 18
D15

[12102006]

YYW

Detach from him...walk away...no contact if possible. Don't
ask him about the secretary anymore..let it go...just go about
your business without him - then see if he really files.

Let him approach you...just give him space...all that he wants.

[Yoyowife]

I agree with the detachment. I have made our family too accessible to him by inviting him over to dinner and such. Our daughters are really upset by his behavior because he keeps stringing me along. I'm hoping this will cause him to see what it is like without his family. I will continue to work on my apperance and attitude. Everyday I get a compliment on my weight loss and appearance. I even had one of my high school students tell me today how pretty I looked, wow!

[iluvme]

Reading about your H burns me up! I felt all your pain with the lying and cheating. Then he tells you that he tried but has no feelings. Aaarrgh! Keep yourself up. It sounds like you were doing well GAL. I am impressed by your strength thru the Dbusting process. When I also found out about OW and lost my temper my H actually did file for D.

It is good to let go and detach. There are no guarantees with Dbusting but it gives you a chance to be happy with yourself and your choices.

[Yoyowife]

Thanks for your support. It's nice to be able to vent on here. We own a business and our daughters are paid a small salary that goes towards their college fund. I got their tax returns from the accountant Monday and my youngest D's name was misspelled on the return. I looked through it more and found that it was misspelled on the the W-2. I called my H and told him. He said well I told "the secretary" (OW) how to spell her name. I said well it's wrong. He said how did you spot it so quickly? I said well, she is my daughter after all. I wanted to say DUH! We did name her and she has had this name for 15 years!

[runningoutoftime]

Hi Yoyowife,

I don't think it's too late for you and your husband. I don't consider too late until a divorce is finalized (mine went for 6 months and then my husband changed his mind), but even then I've met quite a few people who did go through with divorce, were divorced a few years, and then remarried!!!! But being the hottie you describe, I think your husband could very well end up losing you to some lucky guy if he decides to go through with a divorce.

Oh well....

In the meantime, give him space and focus on your kids. Keep GALing, looking great and work on PMA (positive mental attitude). Tell your husband you want him happy and wish him luck... and keep detaching! The best advice I got was give A LOT of leash!!!! Don't talk about divorce, just live your life and focus on the kids. Go out and have fun, get your nails done, hang out with girlfriends!! Don't date, but meet people, flirt and enjoy life. On the other hand, do research lawyers and other things just in case. It never hurts to be prepared. I made sure I had the very best lawyer possible. And yet, I didn't hire him until I absolutely had to (20 days after being served with the papers! I strung out my divorce as long as possible!!!!).

One more thng, with his own business make sure you have records of everything, take notes, etc... Hopefully you won't need it, but it always feels better to be prepared than taken by surprise. Hide whatever information you gather and notes you take so neither he or the kids realize what you are doing. This is for your security.

Does your D15 visit dad? Make sure he takes the kids out to dinner at least once or twice a week. Make sure on those occassions you look hot and he finds out you're going out. But don't tell him it's with girlfriends or that you're just headed to the bookstore and Starbucks. Keep some mystery!

And absolutely no more relationship or OW talk!!! Just tell him you want him to be happy and he's free to pursue that. By doing this he will really have to confront if what he is choosing is making him happy. Losing you and the kids will force him to figure that out.

[Yoyowife]

I had to call him today to tell him that he received mail. I was very businesslike. I told him I didn't know if it was important or not. I told him who it was from. He proceeded to tell me it was a bill and what is was for and how he had asked them to change it to the business address instead of the home address. Much more info than I asked for. His tone was normal, no animosity. I said well okay that's all I needed, bye. I wasn't rude, but I wasn't overly friendly either. I made sure I was the first to end the call and not talk about anything personal.

[Rosy_Times]

good job today! I know its hard at the beginning but keep it up.

[runningoutoftime]

Good job! Now keep your distance and GAL. It will be painful. I remember my stomach twisted in knots and having non-stop thoughts about my husband every moment. I just wanted to pull him back to me, but I finally realized I had to let go. I had to live my life as if he wouldn't come back. Detaching can be really painful, but in the long run it was a really healthy thing. It allowed me to grow. And when I did have contact I lost expectations. I could be friendly and a friend without needing anything from him. By expecting him to leave I could deal with anything he said, let go of OW and focus completely on me.... and becoming someone much more attractive to any guy... including my husband!