I know that there are links around somewhere to NPD sites. I was told over a year ago that my H was NPD (by his T), but I didn't believe him. However, some things have happened today that are making me rethink this. I will post more details on my thread later.
TIA for any info you can give me.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I think RCR did some posts on it. Search the web. Browse the book store aisle. It will give you something to get out of the house and do.
I will say that what I read on this from the web some time back concerned me. Some take the bottom line position that considering the scale of NPD, like on a one to five ... and the article used different terms for the degrees ... stay away.
The position was that NPD is not somethng you change, and they are no good to be around. I question such a strong take on any person or mental struggle. But the explanations and examples they gave certainly painted a very abusive life for the spouse of a NPD. Those M to one in the articles, said stay away, walk away ... no ... run.
I do hope your H is not truly a complete NPD. I say that accepting that we may all display traits of unpleasant conditions in our life at times. If any one of us were to see a C while we were out of sorts, I wonder what we would be diagnosed with ... right after the C read the latest publication of something.
I'm afraid of what the C would say about a celibate sex maniac sharing fantasies on the web with vulnerable women .... soaking in a warm bath, enjoying soft music and scented candles ....
Nicola, Go to the top in the Resources thread, you will find a thread that I created a while back called the "Highly Recommended Reading Materials". On the very first page, I've identified several books on the NPD and they were excellent.
Do a search on the net, there is some great reading material there as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
N, I have done a bit of research on NPD on the web and it is easily available although who knows about the credibility. But I do know what my clinical phd psychologist told me about my sitch a long time ago. She said Wonder, in some situations high achieving men at midlife choose to indulge in their narcissitic tendencies.
Diagnosing personality disorders is tricky business. And by definition they are not the norm. Most likely he is following the normal script of not thinking like you, being completely on another planet from you since he has chosen to be in another relationship.
This might not help you but it's what I know. I'm not a shrink. it's just what I have seen. Cheers, Wonder
The information you have given is what I have been told by the counselors I have talked to also. I was also told with NPD the signs are clearly present in late adolescence and don't suddenly appear during midlife. Take it for what it's worth.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I have checked out some sites, and have read your comments carefully.
At this point, I really don't know about my H. He has always shown some traits of the "soma" narcisist, who uses sex to get women. He has always been very flirtatious and gone from woman to woman (till me, which lasted 16 yrs, or 14 if you include the A he had at the end).
Wonder, what you said really spoke to me. My H is high-achieving, yet felt like a fraud and was constantly afraid of losing his job, or thinking that others were out to get him. He was on meds for anxiety.
Yesterday, he said some strange things to me:
Me: Sometimes I feel really sad that I couldn't be the wife you needed. Do you? That you couldn't be the H I neeeded?
H: No. I am who I am; you are who you are. We didn't have the tools we needed at the time [true--but that doesn't make you sad??]
Me: I also feel guilty about some of the things I did, and I wish I could change them. Do you feel like that?
H: No. I don't like to feel guilty, so I just don't think about anything that might make me feel that way.
Me: I have asked your forgiveness for specific things that I did in our marriage that were hurtful, and you have told me you forgive me. I don't know if you really do or not, but that doesn't matter. It would mean a lot to me if you could apologize for the things that *you* did. Maybe you could write it down; I think that would be easier for you. I only want you to do this if you feel in your heart that you want my forgiveness. [he has never taken responsibility for his part]
H: [this was the shocker] Well, I'm not the kind of person that asks for forgiveness; it's not in my personality. I don't need it.
H: But I can give you a heartfelt *acknowledgement* b/c I certainly did do some things I shouldn't have.
Me: ok
So--he says he's really worked on himself, yet he can't face his guilt, has no regrets [although maybe that's healthy], and doesn't feel the need to apologize or ask for forgiveness.
He told me at one point shortly after he left that he doesn't know how to love, there's something really messed up inside him, he doesn't feel empathy. He said three months ago the same thing: he can't be in an intimate R b/c he can't share himself, there's something very messed up about him. Then, w/in a couple of weeks, he was dating someone new (w/o telling me until I found out a few days ago). When I asked him about everything he'd said, he told me, "It changed."
The thing is, he had a one-night stand 6 years ago, and was wracked with guilt. He told me that he was so relieved when he went for his final AIDS test after 6 mo that I went with him and he truly felt forgiven. This was a year and a half ago that he told me this! Yet he's not the kind of person who needs forgiveness?
Wonder, I think you are right: he's back into his crazy world since he's with someone new. I don't really think that the "right" person can really take all those feelings of emptiness and inability to love away. But maybe I'm wrong. Actually, that's what hurts the most--maybe I'm wrong and it really is all about me.
Gosh, I didn't mean to go on so much on this thread. I'm going to repost this on my own thread.
I don't even think it really matters, anyway, what his "diagnosis" is. Whoever and whatever he is right now, it's not for me.
Thanks again, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
He told me at one point shortly after he left that he doesn't know how to love, there's something really messed up inside him, he doesn't feel empathy. He said three months ago the same thing: he can't be in an intimate R b/c he can't share himself, there's something very messed up about him.
Listening is one of the most important tools we are taught to master here. He is telling you something very important. Clearly, after 3 women now, he is not finding what he wants..if it even exists?
IMO, I think you have fought the gallant fight nicola. I know you better now and you deserve better. Perhaps it is time to move on and get moving with new things in your life. Besides being bombed, THAT is probably the TOUGHEST thing to have to confront.
((HUGS)) Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I really feel like this is the right thing to do. For all I know, this woman might turn out to be the love of his love and he will be wonderful to her. What I really care about now is getting to the point that I just don't care what he does.
You were a great support to me yesterday. Thanks for talking.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I don't have a lot to say on this because I actually decided to read this as part of reading your threads from my response on your regualr thread...I will talk about a response to your long post here in deopth on that thread so it can be incorporated into everything else.
But I want to poit out...I've been scanning your old MLC posts since the beginning.
You talked with Snodderly quite a bit about this in I think it was November 2005. At that point she warned you not to jump to NPD too quickly because MLCers have many faces. Okay...so this is no longer a quick jump...but what she said was NPD show sings for years, whereas such things come on suddenly with MLC...that is a very crude paraphrase...so for accuracy go search your threads between Sept and December 2005.
I haven't done a lot of resesarch on NPD...Patti (MTN, Myturnnow) is the one who may have read some good info. I did find an article that I either posted or linked early last year I tbelieve...I found it as I was researching something else I think...and posted it because it made me think of Patti and MEA's MLCers.
