Ring is back on, wife showing her left hand again. Now I wonder why it was off... Maybe there was a perfectly good reason (wife is graphic designer and uses her hands a lot) and it would be petty to ask why ... she noticed my upsetness when it was gone...
Got to help my son with his paper route, then off to Stockholm with a guy friend to see theater and have dinner -
Later --
Snowing again, of all things, when it has been 50 recently... April is always a transition month here, often just in the 40s
Wife wants to do vattern runt bike race now, 300 km (180 miles) - we will both need new knees soon...
W, a neighbor and I protested at town hall against an in our opinion excessive tree cutting down campaign here - mostly nice old trees -
Can't wait for the secret tulips to come up -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
The planes made it safely to Phoenix and I finally got to bed... will spend the next two days here doing traffic engineering stuff, and get to go up in a bucket truck for a better view... working tourism of a strange kind...
Thanks for all your posts. I think all of you are right in that there is something of being tested, something of "I want out", and something of "I want a reaction, change" in her actions. Given that she only touched my arm briefly as a parting gesture yesterday, which felt like so despairingly little, then sent a quite friendly email this morning, it seems like she too is lost, somewhere in the continuum between wanting to stay and wanting to go, wanting something from me.
At this point, maybe any change might be good (I was mentally composing "why I am leaving you" letters in the plane). I think that something might be the following ps to follow a friendly reply email on my part:
ps. I was so glad to see you found your wedding band again the other day.
and maybe nothing more. Not how it made me feel when it was gone, or something about that is was off at all. What do you think? Should I tack on this little addendum to a mail?
Lovely orange fragrance in the air last night when I got in - Phoenix at 1am - temperatures in the 80s today - it certainly isn't Sweden - off to breakfast at Denny's -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
perforce another short note - up in a bucket truck, looking at traffic intersections here in Phoenix soon -
Getting closer somehow, which I sense W now and then wants, is so difficult, so laden with the past. Do you have any advice on how this might be done? We are at such an emotional distance now.
Wife's friendly email, waiting for me this morning, seems to imply that maybe we could grow a bit nearer - but how?
Watching colorful airplanes take off, against a blue sky... morning in Phoenix, a new bird rising from the ashes
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hey LL, if you get a chance there is a restaurant in phoenix called majerles downtown by the basketball arena, great place for lunch and hot waitresses, who could ask for more....
So would you recommend I say anything about the ring episode in emails from here now or wait til I get back? W is still sending informative emails of what is happening at home (son's school performance review results mostly just now plus stories there - daughter was also with and declared that she will be going there also, this in 3 years, maybe if we are still together). I have a nice long email for her now too (and some used graphic design magazines, excellent prices at a used book store here).
Work here going fine, have some time to sightsee now and will look at the botanical gardens and the fancy houses on Camelback mountain, followed by work dinner in Scottsdale -
Saw a bunch of prisoners here, in striped suits like in the movies, hands on their heads, guarded by police with guns, waiting to use a porta potty - strange place -
Later,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Had an interesting talk with W about her definition of 'strength'. We were at an italian deli restaurant and our son, who is normally outspoken inside the family, had to go up and order ice cream. W noticed how shy he was about this and said we need to work on that, that her brother had always been outshone and suppressed by her and their dad, who were more talkative and assertive and visible. That her brother had become quiet and withdrawn as a result, exacerbating this through his wife, who is also talkative and outgoing, while he is quiet.
By implication, she means that I am also this way, which is true: she does most of the talking at parties, while I prefer to serve the guests and be in the kitchen. One on one or with a bunch of engineers I am fine, enjoying it, and can hold my own, but parties I never really liked.
Is this a reason for her to reject/not respect me? Do I try to argue my way out, rejecting her reasoning, or become more assertive in the presence of other assertive folks? How do you become more assertive/more dominant in conversation/etc?
In Germany, working, buying chocolate, and meeting my favorite (male) cousin for dinner (whom I will tell nothing of our problems). Trees and bushes blooming, yellow and white, pleasant, but too many cars...
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
