25yrs, Thanks for your insight! One more question though, how do we stand our ground esp, if this is not MLC and only an affair, and let him know that i will not wait or put up w/ his Ow forever? How do I say this w/out sounding too mean? I know in the past i emailed him that i wanted to understand and be here for him, but that i did not know how much longer i could do that while he was sharing his life w/ another woman.
I don't wnat him to think that i am reewarding his bad behavior by putting up with it? do you understand where i am coming from? Someone once said here to me tht at times we must let them know how we feel in order to get their respect and i did just that the other day ( i beleive) b/c of the positve reactions from him.
You might find this helpful. It is from the Charlyne Cares site:
22 HARD FACTS ABOUT STANDING -
"Who is wise? He will realize these things. Who is discerning? He will understand them. The ways of the LORD are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them." Hosea 14:9
Saturday we received a brief letter from a woman whose husband has been home for many years. Not only did she update us on her family, but she also updated us on a fellow stander whose husband has also been home for several years. Receiving letters like this are like vitamin shots to our souls.
I looked at our notes on both of these successful standers and thought about the spiritual lessons they had both learned while standing. How I wish we had a way to impart all that knowledge to every newer stander today. The best I can do is to share with you some of the hard facts about standing. Not all these are what you might want to hear, but they are what you need to know:
- - - - -
"My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge..." Hosea 4:6
1. Do not expect people to understand or to support your stand for marriage restoration. God has given to you, not to others, the assignment and the burden to stand with Him and to pray for your spouse. Because of this, you must always look to God, and not to people for your support.
2. The day that you promise God that you will stand for your marriage, you become like a lightening rod for attacks from the Enemy. Expect to be tempted in ways you never imagined. Anticipate the circumstances to become worse. Know that you and your family are now a threat to the work of Satan and the evil one and his demons will attempt in every way to get you to give up. If you are a lightening rod for satanic attacks, Jesus Christ is your Ground. He alone can protect you from every harm.
"If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes." 2 Corinthians 2:10-12
3. Always remember that this is a spiritual battle, and spiritual battles are won with spiritual weapons. Your following someone’s secular program in hopes of marriage restoration is like going into war in Iraq armed only with a toy water pistol.
4. Your beloved mate has been taken captive by Satan to do his evil will. The words and actions that hurt you today are those of the Enemy, and not your spouses’s. Remember, Satan is the father of all lies, so do not expect to hear the truth from your prodigal spouse.
5. One way or another, your prodigal will witness or hear about your changed lifestyle when you start looking to Him alone to heal and to restore your marriage and family. Your prodigal, with their life in a tailspin, will be strangely attracted to the peace that you have, in spite of the circumstances. Claim that peace by a consistent, close, loving relationship with Jesus Christ. The peace that attracts prodigals comes from God alone, and not from any self-help or secular program designed to get your spouse back in the door.
6. Always remember, this is not about coaxing or manipulating your prodigal spouse back home so that you will be happy. It is a life or death battle for the eternal destiny of your prodigal’s soul. The end result will be life eternal, in Heaven, or a life in Hell, depending on what your beloved does with Jesus.
7. Your stand is about much more than you and your spouse. It is also about your family, your circle of influence, your future generations, and even people you may not even know who are silently following your example.
8. In most instances, your prodigal spouse is better off living in their home than outside. We understand there are safety and health considerations, but forcing them to leave the family home is often turning them out to Satan’s playground. As long as they are in the home, you can better detect your mate’s spiritual needs and thus pray for them.
9. Expect every area of your mate’s life to change as they silently seek relief from the torment the Enemy is bringing their way. Do not be wiped out by job changes, moves to distant places, new hobbies and attractions, or even an often-forced attempt to legalize their adultery by entering a non-covenant marriage to another person. If you are standing strong, God still considers you to be married.
10. Regardless of why your spouse left home, and in spite of what they are saying, most prodigals become involved with another person during their far country experience. Do not be devastated if that happens.
11. No matter what professional-sounding tag has been attached to your wayward spouse, the bottom line is that every husband or wife who has ever walked out on a marriage have all done so because of sin. Your beloved might have a sex, substance or selfishness problem. They might have been diagnosed, often by a professional who has never met them, with a chemical imbalance, bi-polar disorder, or mid-life issues. Regardless, they still have a sin problem. Marriages are healed when spouses stop making excuses with man’s terms and start dealing with their mate’s sin problem in the prayer closet. (Does it strike you as odd that someone can diagnose your spouse without ever meeting them?)
12. No other human can tell you the exact day your prodigal will repent and come home. We know of too many good standers who have been almost destroyed when someone traveling through town prophesies an exact date for restoration, and that date comes and goes without anything happening. The date is God’s business and not man’s. As a stander, you need to live every day as though today was your day of restoration.
13. Allow God to be God in bringing your prodigal home to Himself, and home to you. Be careful not to set stipulations for your prodigal’s return without seeking God for His will. Be wary of any individuals who want to help you set rules for a prodigal’s return.
14. Standing is not reciting a prayer, nor is it attending meetings, or talking the talk of a stander. It must become a way of life for you. That way of life is living like Jesus did. There must be no place for sin, in any form, in your life. If you call yourself a stander, you must want to see how far from the line called sin you can live, and not experimenting with what God will allow you to get away with. The sinful things of this world must be constantly dropping from your life, as they are replaced by the things of God. For example, developing a desire for Christian music; music that will give you answers, and help, and support instead of music from the world.
15. Standing is not learned, nor is it mastered all at once. It is learned one step (or one mistake) at a time. God allows for mistakes in standing as you learn. I cannot tell you how many times each month a person who is serious about standing tells us how they have “really blown it” with their Lord God, or with their mate. No, you have not. God allows mistakes, and He forgives them when we repent. The only way you can “really blow it” is by giving up on God and on your prodigal spouse. Even then, God allows fresh starts. Somehow, he covers over all your mistakes, when we sincerely repent, like the tide washing across the beach. Every sign of imperfection is washed away.
16. If standing becomes "too hard" and you "can’t do it any more," (whatever that means) and you give up standing, nothing is going to be any different about your life tomorrow. Your prodigal spouse will be the same, as will your circumstances. The only difference is that you have given up your hope and, in effect have bought into, "Some thing are impossible for even God," a statement that simply is not true. If you limit God in marriage restoration, you are also going limiting Him every time you need Him in the future. Nothing is impossible with God.
17. Another hard fact of standing is that you should stay away from, and not accept advice from people named "They." We often hear how "They feel God has someone better for me," or "They said I should get on with my life." When "They say my marriage is hopeless," we want to reply. It’s not about what "They" say, but about what God says. You cannot be listening to "They"” and God at the same time.
"The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out." Proverbs 18:15
18. You might have heard me say previously that if there had been an Internet and email 20 years ago, when we were divorced and Charlyne was standing with God and praying for me, I am not certain that I would be here today. If I, as a prodigal spouse, had read some of the things about me that even good standers post all over the Internet today, I would have run the opposite direction. It is almost as if today’s standers think they are having a private conversation with a friend, when they diagnose and disclose the mates faults and weaknesses online. There is Internet access in the pigpens of life also, and prodigals read the message boards and chat rooms–and additional damage is done to already troubled marriages.
If every stander could give God half as much time as they are giving their computer for a six month period, we would see marriages restored in droves. Since some standers are addicted to the chat rooms and other online activities, I suspect that will never happen. Instead, they’ll keep limping along, typing, "You won’t believe what he/she did now," and the soliciting advice, not from God, but from online friends, many whom they have never seen face to face, and some of whom are not even who they claim to be. Our standers will keep typing out prayers online, and calling it devotional time, instead of getting on their face before Almighty God, and crying out to Him. Before you say, "Nothing’s happening in my stand," Charlyne and I would ask, “What’s happening in your prayer closet?”
19. It is a hard fact that God is on your side. His Word has direction for every situation you will ever face. People may declare, based on human reasoning that, "It's over," but God never does.
20. DO not allow other hurting people to help "fix" your problems. If they can't fix their own problems, why allow them to have input to yours? That is God's job, and not one for other humans.
21. The prodigal journey home is filled with false starts. Please be prepared for these. Standers are being wiped out by, "He/She came home yesterday and left again today." This is all part of the prodigal process. You must be aware of, and praying against, the spiritual battle that is raging for your beloved. (As an aside, let me say that most prodigals who are on the way home are doing the very best they can, in light of their absence of spiritual weapons for this spiritual battle. That is why your prayers are so important.)
22. Prodigals do come home. We come home, not to people who are dabbling in standing, but we come home to spouses who are serious about their relationship with Jesus Christ, and serious about praying their spouse away from Hell. We come home to standers who are not blown away by the unexpected. We come home to praying spouses who have not set deadlines for God, nor for us. We come home to standing and waiting spouses who strive to cover our sinful nakedness in front of others, not sharing everything they know or suspect. We prodigals come home to spouses who are walking with God 100% of the way. May you start today to be the kind of godly stander that prodigals come home to, (suddenly!)
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1:9-11
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I was trying to remember that website as I was on it the other day and found some interesting articles. I knwo everyday i struggle w/ letting go and letting God, and it's b/c I wonder at times how much hurt will my children will have to go thru and then i remember God will give us only as much as we can handle. My anger as of lately (which i waas doing good before then) is when H puts the children in the middle of this all to do his dirty work of showing them how to lie for him..God they are only 5 and 7 yrs!
I think i have to put a post it note somewhere to remind me that evrything H does or says is only the Enemy within him and not to take anything to heart.
Can someone tell me why should I put up with this abuse any longer? I am just plain tired of it all..........
Our A/C was not working last nite when H came home from work I could tell he was in a very bad mood,but I still had to tell him about me finding the A/C tubes covered in ice and that now it was not working... H- " oh no first my phone does not work and now this! I am not buying a new one,if it takes for me to move out(note the me part selfishness- uh, what about his three girls and me?).
The house was like a sauna and even though our bedroom does not have a ceiling fan, I was not feeling well(sinus infection) and fell asleep before H. I just knew that H would come over and take his pillows and go to sleep in the (his)extra room which has a ceiling fan..Yupe, H did just that,so I awoke (in sweat mind you) and went to where he was sleeping and kindly asked if he could reach the fan in the garage for me- "no b/c i would have to move the motorcycle" and then went back to sleep!! I don't know why I expected anything less? H has always been selfish, but this one has taken the cake!
Ya know what I did? I took my work clothes and stuff and left to sleep at my mom's:)
My mom has always given the advice to stick it out and wait on the Lord, but how much abuse can I take? It seems to only get worse! Opinions?
You need to have NO EXPECTATIONS. My H was never selfish until he hit MLC, and I had to stop asking him to do anything, because he'd complain if I did. I left him alone as much as possible, but was available when he wanted to be with me. Now, with that said, he did leave me and move in with OW. I also am struggling to let go and let God. We have no idea what they'll do, so, to save my sanity I took the advice I found here and kept my expectations at zero. It did help me.
Danu
Everything happens for a reason, and through this journey I will learn many things about myself
Danu is right, no expectations. It's hard, but it really will help you. Was there some way you could have reached the fan yourself or figured another solution? Sorry, but I don't see how going to your Mom's did anything for YOU. Did you sleep better or did you stay angry? What does it mean for you that your mom now gives her blessing to leave him?
One of the things I've taken on is doing everything for myself. I was always pretty good about doing what I could, but now unless I need financial or some other info that he has and I don't....I don't ask. This included shutting down my business and moving everything out of my shop. It includes all the maintenance on the house and yard. And you know what? He may notice, but he doesn't say anything. You've got to do it for you.
Chicki, you really have to have no expectations of him...you must begin to do things on your own. I can't remember your sitch but does he control the money? Do you have someone who regularly services the AC?
Make an appointment and tell him that someone is coming over to fix it.
This goes for everything else too. You can't be clingy. That will drive him further away.
Danu is right, don't expect any pats on the back for all the things you do. This is your time to grow strong. Just let him go, let him fly in the wind...you just hang out on the curb with us and watch the show.
Hugs, Vali
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
Thats just it I have been not waiting on him, but I did not ahve the man power to move his motorcycle in order to get to the fan. Also, I failed to mention that before H got home I had already called the son of a church member who works on ACs and even though I did not ahve the money right then & there I waas going to find the way,as I told H about whaat the cost was going tobe he said not to worry b/c his dad could fix it.
This morning I asked again to make sure his dad was coming and he said yes.
Actually, I have never been the type to be clingy and ther is no way one can be w/ the type of H that I have. We have three tiny ones and H can't and won't watch them for me for anything (even before the bomb). H use to always admire my independance.
I just don't know how much longer of the verbal abuse I will tolerate.
Maybe the next time he starts to verbally abuse you, you should walk away...and keep walking until he stops. Just get up and leave the room. If he follows you then go to the bathroom and close and lock the door or go outside and play with the kids and basically just ignore him.
Eventually you are gonna have to make him stop being a pooper to you.
If you've always been independent then good for you! I think that is admirable...if he has ALWAYS been selfish what do you expect from him? They are unbelievably selfish throughout this ordeal.
I will pray for you, sweets!
Hugs, Valentine
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
