Valentines day massacre

[outtaluck]

Hi, another heartbroken newbie here :-)

First I want to thank God for this forum...it has literally saved my life. I was in such a bad state before I found this place and the DB books.

My story starts on our 20th anniversary...Valentines day of all days. I guess the day was too much for my wife and she couldn't keep up the "act" anymore and told me that I wasn't a good husband or father...that she loved me, but not like a husband...more like a friend. Well...it didn't really hit me...I thought we'd have to work some stuff out but I didn't think it would ever get to the point of breaking up. It hurt me so bad to know that she was so unhappy...I really felt like I was the worst husband ever. Still, we exchanged presents...I got a pair of gummy handcuffs (wtf??) and I gave her a pot of roses...that ironically died after two days...its still there...dead and all...and I still water it..like our dead relationship. It was the first major snow storm that day and we never put snow tires on the car. The car had a heck of a time getting around and couldn't even get off our street. I pushed that car four blocks to the main road so that we wouldn't miss our Valentine dinner. For some reason that dinner meant so much more to me that day. And things were pleasant...I swear I saw that same ol' twinkle in her eye.
SO you know what I did right? Thats right...Pour on the I love you's and smother her to heck...ugh, bad move I know. It progressed from lets be friends and still have sex...to I want you out so I can clear my head. I'm not out yet, have to the end of April...less she changes her mind again.

I post in the MLC because thats now what I think is going on. She started going out drinking with friends and would say that they have so much but she has crap. Their husbands give them everything... Well I would but I'm not financially able to...she always seemed so satisfied before. She said she gave me hints...but what the heck is a hint gonna do for me....come out and tell me you're not happy and I'll do everything I can to make things right. Not now when you feel "dead" inside.

I don't know...I'm so confused..I do know she has another guy. Don't know if its physical (she swears no) but they talk for hours on the phone...and what I overhear makes me sick. I know he's an older guy and I sort of suspect he's married or somehow involved. It hurts to hear her sound so happy and giggly talking to him. Its a good thing I don't know who he is cause I'm afraid of what I might do. ( and I know...its not worth it...but still)

Anyway...I think I'm rambling on too much. My head isn't really working right now, but thanks for listening.

[justbestfriends]

Sorry you find yourself here but it is a great source of support. Can you give everyone a few more details so the experts get a clearer idea of your background. How long together? Kids?
This is a killer and you will find the next few weeks tough. You won't believe it now but it will get easier. Breathe!

[outtaluck]

Together for 22 years...married for 20. Two amazing daughters, 20, and 18 in June. Financially, we are both working crap jobs that barely pay the bills. We rent a house from her grandma, and she gives us a great deal. She is getting older, and god forbid if something happens to her, her kids get the house and we probably won't have such a sweet deal. (Look, I'm still saying we...:-) )I don't make enough money to afford a decent place on my own. I don't have a car either...the one we have is in her name. I am close to my work so I use a bicycle. What a nice little hole I dug for myself eh?

We still talk...though I stopped the I love you junk. We still sleep in the same bed, and sometimes hold each other out of habit. She asks for massages...while wearing a thick bathrobe, and I usually give in....maybe a bad move? She has offered me sexual favors....not full sex but use your imagination. I only took her up on it once....it just felt wierd to me...not bad, just wierd. I don't think I could do just that again.

She took her ring off last week....that was devastating to me. I finally took mine off yesterday....also devastating. Haven't said anything...kind of want to see if she notices.

Right now, as I write this she keeps popping in the room for no reason....let her wonder. I've been trying my best to look happy around her....even played my guitar and sang yesterday...and no whiney love songs either.

I told my parents yesterday...and they offered to let me stay there....its so nice of them. I only really see my family on Chistmas because she didn't like them for some reason....they never did anything to her. It was good to reconnect. Living there will drive me nuts. Plus, my brother who is in Iraq now will be back next month. The hero and the loser in one room...sounds like a sitcom on fox.

I think the other guy called the house...not positive its him...but we got caller ID...and I got a name and address....hmmmmm. I know it would be nuts to drive by the house right? ( I drive for a living so I have access to a vehicle at work )What good would that do anyhow?? I just want to see what this grandpa looks like....under my tires...just kidding. :-)

Anyway, I'm rambling again....don't know how to put my thoughts together in any sensible fashion anymore. I'm not really the forum kind of person, but I do think this is doing me good to get this out somehow....

Thanks

[Was2sad]

Don't snoop. You deserve more than that for yourself. Give yourself that dignity.

Understand that she is looking for answers in her life that do not come easily, and have been her secret fears for most of her life. She can no longer deny these fears, mortality. "What about me? What about my life?"

You are not the answer. You can not be. You must let her go so she can seek her answers. She may not find them. She may be gone.

You must begin your own journey. Seek your answers. "What about me?" Besides your W, what was important in your life before? Family. Friends. Spirituality. Hobbies. Health. These should all become your focus. She will tell you what you need to know, but she will likely lie so don't hang on every word. Her lies are her confusion, her acting out against the unfairness she thinks life has put upon her. History will suddenly be rewritten to support her need for a new independent life.

When she runs for President with all the others, you can vote for her. Other than that there is little you can do for her. You can do much for yourself. You can do much for others. You can do much for the world.

You may not have a great deal of cash today. You can smile at people and watch them smile back. You can begin making the world a better place with a smile.

[fig]

I feel compelled to speak to you about your money issues....

I have never had money and I have a chosen career field where money isn't ready and available (I am a teacher) but...this quote has always made a lot of sense to me...

there is a gigantic difference in making a lot of money and being rich ~ Marlene Dietrich

Find the ways in which you are wealthy...
I have a wonderful family that has supported me in every healthy decision and loved me through the bad ones.
I have tow amazing little ladskies that driv eme nuts and make me laugh all at the same time.
I found my dream job and have been having a hoot working there.
I remembered all the amazing qualities I possessed, that I forgot about when I was focused on LSS and money issues (becuas ewe had a ton)
Everyday, my confidence is gaining.
I have great shoes!!!
It's almost Spring

[LoginName]

Outtaluck (may I call you OL?)

You're going to hear this a lot: our situations (sitch's) are so similar. I think I can relate to you, as many of us can. You're not alone.

Don't let JustBeFriends fool you, he is full of good advice and he, I'm sure, will share some with you too.

Was2sad - you already said the important stuff. I'll emphasis it.

Don't snoop! It is so hard not to. I still am terribly tempted, and have a little bit, and each time it only makes it worse in every way. Don't do it. Do whatever it takes to keep from doing it. Take a walk, sing, hit yourself, anything. Stay around other people if you can. I am most tempted when I'm alone. I'm serious, snooping only hurts.

Don't try to interpret their actions. You won't, and can't know what it means to them. Don't think taking of the wedding ring means it's over for her. Don't think if she treats you well one day that all will be good. Just take it as it comes. You can't read her mind, or her actions.

Was2Sad is right. She will re-invent your past to justify her actions. Don't listen to her. She can't help it. Or rather, listen, validate (I think you're saying that you are upset... etc.)but don't disagree or try to convince her that she's wrong. You can't win that arguement, ever. Just listen, if you can.

The Other Man (OM) doesn't really matter. I've got one of those haunting me and my relationship (R) too, and I know how you can obsese over him and them. It's really, really, not about them. It's about her, and the R. She is diving totally into herself now in a very selfish way. It's a journey she apparently has to take. It's not about the OM at heart (he just makes it more complicated for you, and me).

I'm really strained financially now too. A lot of things will seem harder or impossible because of this. Don't let it get you down. Work on yourself, your happiness. I'm taking it as a fun, personal challenge to lead me and my family out of the financial mess we are in. My Wife (W) isn't helping much, but that's OK.

And more repeating what w2s said: work on yourself -HARD!!! What makes you happy? Do it. I ask myself all the time, what do I want to do, what makes me happy? It doesn't have to be anything big or expensive. You don't have to start a new hobby (although it's not a bad idea) or get a tatoo, but if you want to, do it. If you want to sit and watch TV, do it. Don't worry or think about how it will affect her. You can't guess how it will affect her. She's in her land, you need to inhabit yours and take care of yourself.

Sleep. Eat. take care of yourself.

Don't snoop.

Take care of your daughters.

Use this place to vent, get advice, etc. But be warned, people don't pull punches here. They will tell you when you're going down the wrong path. ;-)

So, so, sorry you're here. We're here and we'll help. It's not over. Good things will come of this, one way or the other.

[outtaluck]

You're absolutely right, I shouldn't snoop. I've got to admit, I left a tape recorder running when I wasn't around...and the things I heard made me sick. She did say some things though, that kind of make it easier to let her go if she's really becoming that kind of person. I can better rationalize it in my head that in the event that it really ends that I didn't want to be with that kind of woman anyhow. It was interesting to see how she does damage control with her family...tearing me down, saying "if" she meets someone she don't care how old he is....

Its like listening to a complete stranger...this isn't the woman I've been with all these years.

I know, stop it. I'm outta batteries anyway...don't plan on buying more.

She's out drinking again with her friends...I'm home alone...its snowing pretty good and I do worry about her driving that way but I can't control her....still kinda freaking but dealing better than I've been. I got to keep busy I know... I got a dozen hobbies, and I don't feel like doing any of em. Been playing my guitar more when she's around...trying to keep a happy face...dancing even to music she's listening to even thought she thinks I hate it. She looked sad today, kept looking at me when she thought I wouldn't notice...looked like she been crying or something...Ahhh...I'm a fool to read anything into that.

Been opening up more to friends...something I couldn't do before because I was afraid to break down in tears...Still have my moments...thinking about how I never even considered another because I thought she was the most beautiful thing I ever seen...even when she was fat.... I thought I told her that all the time and she says I never made her feel that way...it just kills me that I failed to get that across to her. But yeah, I know its part of that rewrite of history thing.

Its funny, her mother did kind of the same thing to her father many years ago...so I don't have genetics on my side.

I'm just going a little crazy here.... gotta go do something...

[outtaluck]

I thought she was the most beautiful thing I ever seen...even when she was fat....

Just noticed how that sounds...I didn't say "Honey, your beautiful even though you're fat" LOL

[outtaluck]

I feel compelled to speak to you about your money issues....

I have never had money and I have a chosen career field where money isn't ready and available (I am a teacher) but...this quote has always made a lot of sense to me...

there is a gigantic difference in making a lot of money and being rich ~ Marlene Dietrich

Find the ways in which you are wealthy...
I have a wonderful family that has supported me in every healthy decision and loved me through the bad ones.
I have tow amazing little ladskies that driv eme nuts and make me laugh all at the same time.
I found my dream job and have been having a hoot working there.
I remembered all the amazing qualities I possessed, that I forgot about when I was focused on LSS and money issues (becuas ewe had a ton)
Everyday, my confidence is gaining.
I have great shoes!!!
It's almost Spring

I envy you....I've never been about the money either, but its hard not to thing that if I was a better provider this wouldn't be happening. And at least I'd be in a better position to handle it...maybe not eh, then she'd probably try to take it....

Anyway, I don't really like the work I do...but it was convenient and (barely) payed the bills. I've been disconnected from my family, so in a wierd way this has brought a little of that back, and thats a good thing. Trying to think of good things, but if I move out and in with my parents I can't take the things I've been using to distract myself...guitars and such...its like a library over there...and its a tiny apartment...ugh, I can't see it working out....I got to figure something else out.

I do ( or will soon ) have my freedom to do anything I want...thats something I've been latching on to for hope...now, what do I want???

[LoginName]

OL,
My W is reliving a lot of what her mother did too.

Do you have the Divorce buster book, or Divorce Remedy? They both, especially Divorce Remedy, can help you now. It will give you something to do that feels like working on the problem and the R, it gives you good advice. DON'T let you W read the books or know you are reading them! Don't be sneaky or lie, but don't bring it up to her and don't leave it our for her to find! It drives them nuts to see these books, but they can help you.

Can you get any counseling? If it's too expensinve and your insurance can't help, I think some states, counties, cities, have programs to cover the cost. You may want to look into that. The DB and DR books are a pretty good substitute for theropy.

Talk to your friends and family. You can't and shouldn't go through this alone. You'll be surprised by how many, and maybe who, is supportive. Get out, do things with people.

Hate to tell you this, but they see right through us. Your W will know when you are faking happiness. Don't stop doing what you're doing, but work on real happiness or at least real detachment so you're not sad whenever she is around.

I'm in my 6th month of this crap. I'm just getting to where I can really detach and be comfortable even when W is around. Don't be to hard on yourself if you can't get everything right away. You can't solve the problems in a week, a month, or a year, probably. This is a long hard trip we're on. Try hard to work on yourself, have a positive attitude, don't let her affect your mood, don't beat yourself up if you make a mistake, don't look for quick fixes. Whew, I'll have to point you to the Do's and Don'ts posts that say all this and better than I can say it.

How are your kids? I wonder if their age will make this easier for them. Are they living at home?


And really try not to snoop. That gets easier over time too.

Hang in there friend. You're going to come through this and you'll be OK.