Valentines day massacre

[outtaluck]

Checkin in :-)

Hey all....been a while. LN, you still here? How you doin?

I been avoiding this place...just brings up alot of bad feelings...not that I need help in that dept. I been doing OK... or so I thought I was....lately though, been waking up in tears again. Don't know why really...no real changes in my sitch.

Saw W for my daughters High School graduation...went to her Grams after....quite civil...but no real conversation to speak of. I was feeling pretty good that day...talked with everyone as thought nothing happened....had a good time really.

Couple weeks after that I ( and I know I shouldn't have....don't ask me what possessed me to do this) sent her flowers. Just as a friendly gesture.....didn't say I loved her or anything. She refused them!!! Wow...didn't expect that....oh well...at least it got her to call me...we talked for a while, bout nothing really. She's having a hard time financially ..haha imagine that...

That was my last contact. Court is scheduled for Sept 18. Maybe thats getting to me.....I wish I could do something to stop this from happening....F##K

Anywho....still unemployed. Joined a gym, so that gives me something positive to do. Trying to learn golf...my brother is a really good player....me, I can barely get the swing right...but with a little more practice I should get it. Been hacking up the local courses. Its a lot of fun regardless of my terrible shots. Should've got into this years ago..

Hope you all are doing OK.

If I see you on the golf course....DUCK!! :-)

Cheers

[LoginName]

Hi OL
Good to see you still have your sense of humor. I'll write some thoughts on what you posted as soon as I get a chance.
Keep smiling.

[theoden]

Outaluck,

Read your situation.....

email me at [e-mail]

Let's talk sometime.

You may not stop the divorce. But we can work on improving your life.

It goes like this: save yourself, maybe you can save your marriage.

--Theoden

[LoginName]

Theoden,
I think it's great that you've chimed in. I like your statements "improve your life..... save yourself..."

Care to make your comments here, for others to read, as well as email with OL?

I'm curious what you will say and advise.

[theoden]

LoginName,

Ok -- I figured Outtaluck needed something intense and direct, like a phone call.

These comments are for Outtaluck...

1. Let's start with the name, Outtaluck: it reflects a negative frame on life. "Gee..I'm out of luck." Change that name.

2. Why the heck did you move out? Because your cheating wife asked you to? If she wants out of the marriage, let HER move out. I don;t care if it's her family's house. Once she had you out, she started getting nasty. She NEEDS to treat you like crap to justify the divorce and the affair. And you are letting her do that. If you act like a doormat, people will wipe thwie feet on you.

3. It's time to get your sh*t together. You need a life make-over. I like the idea of going to the gym. Get in great shape. I like the bar-tending school thing. Friend, your # 1 priority is getting a decent paying job and eventually finding a career that can engage your talents. For men, when their mission in life is unclear and their career is floundering and they can't even pay the bills, their self-respect is out the window. You are bored with you life and your wife got bored with you. Plain and simple. You need to blossom and grow in this area. It will help cure your depression and negative thought patterns. Often, people, even our wives, will kick us when we are down. Get up! You need to be confident, clear and focused.

4. You need to get the fight and fun back in you. I noticed in old posts when you teased her, acted light and seemed to be having fun she warmed up. Start living a meaningful, fun life. Start handing out with old friends. Make new friends. Do it for YOU. She might notice.

5. Don't try to save your marriage. Any attempts will backfire. Save yourself. You are in bad need of saving.

6. Start taking up hobbies that require laser-like focus that get you out of own head and problems. It freed up your creative mind.

Rock climbing?
Karate?
Painting?
Ballroom dancing?

7. Reclaim your manhood. You are a warrior. Ask yourself the hard questions:

Who am I?
What do Iwant to accomplish in life?
What do I delight in?

8. For lack of a better term, find yourself. Find your center and live from it. Maybe developing a psiritual practive might help. Prayer? Going to church?

9. Surround youself with people who love you and care for you:

Friends
Family
Church goers
Fellow hobby enthusiasts

--theoden

[LoginName]

Thanks Theoden,
I hope OL does call you, or email. I agree with your post. Maybe it all needed to be said more forcefully.

I especially agree with #5. (I don't really know how badly OL is in need of saving, but the rest is obvious to me - "Don't try to save your marriage. Any attempts will backfire. Save yourself."

OL, I'd say any attempt to initiate contact with your W (like flowers) is a mistake.

Detach, take care of yourself. With some luck, she may decide to re-engage with you. To me, the tricky part is to detach, move on with your life, but be open to her if she initiates contact. To me, it's easier to close that door completely.

OL, good luck. Theoden has given fantastic advice.

Theoden, thanks. I need to hear that stuff again too. And I'm glad you've posted. Even here, it's often hard to get good advice.

[LoginName]

OL (or have you changed your name yet?)
Did you call Theoden? Did it help? Anything to share?

How are you doing? How's the job situation?

Thinking of you, wishing you the best.