Valentines day massacre

[LoginName]

OL,
I'm talking to myself here as much as too you. My W and I have been getting along well recently. It hurts like hell. I want more. I want to fix the problems we had/have and go on to a great life together. She, last I heard, still doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not.

I do have a point here. I need to go back to the basics; detach, GAL, and give her space. I think you do too. You say the vacant look was gone for a bit, and that there was a positive reaction (maybe you should explain more about that). But, I hate to point it out, she called the OM while she was with you. I assume she still expects you out of the house in about 20 days. OL, Don't talk to her about the OM, don't bring up your R. You aren't her best friend right now. She may be trying to be 'nice' to you as she see's it, but it doesn't mean she is softening toward you or will suddenly realize you're the one she wants to be with.

I understand your desire to leave on a positive note, and maintain a friendship of somekind. You don't have to be nasty to her. But it's dangerous to talk about OM, the M, even the future.

I see it working for me. When I pull back, give her space, she comes toward me. If I reach out, she pulls back.

I almost hate it most when she gives me a hug. It can hurt, right? Thinking about that hug for the next few days, wondering if it means anything, wondering if it's a sign of hope for the R.

It is stange, ain't it. They are, and I guess we are too.

[LoginName]

OL, thinking of you, hope you're well.

[outtaluck]

Wow, been a little while since my last post, eh?

I been coming here, and reading the stories of people finally giving up...well, they just haven't been very encouraging...so I intentionally stayed away for a while.

Things have been the same in my sitch....friendly..getting along fine...run to OM at any chance...

That F'er got to call morning noon and night....we could be getting along fine and ring ring...forget about me...

I know its to be expected...but damn...have some courtesy and answer somewhere other than in my face...

Turns out mr wonderful bounced a check or two....almost had his electric turned off....yeah, she can pick the good ones now..

I can't wait till she dumps this scumbag...even if she don't come back to me, just knowing that she got smart enough to get this loser out of her life will be a small crumb of satisfaction.

Anyway...its not about him...so I keep telling myself...



I did pass my bartenders exam....barely squeaked by, but I did it!!

12 drinks in 7 minutes to pass...did it in 5:05...messed up a bunch....but thats still good time.

Not looking for a job till I get out of here....enjoy my last days, as it were...

W didn't pass....almost...but she froze up on last two...if she would have trown anything in the glass she would have got enough points to pass I think...she was very upset...tears and all...did the best I could to comfort her...but I guess its not my comfort that helps her anymore :-(

She tried again today, but after going out all week till the wee hours and not studying...she couldn't get back into the groove...no patience...or confidence sometimes...gives up way to easily...then again I wonder if me being there is more of a distraction to her than help....she did ask me to go...so I don't know...

I wonder why I should even care...still hurts to see her upset...still want to help her...and yet I can't. There is that feeling of well, maybe if you weren't spending all that time with alcoholic grampa you would have done it....I don't say that of course...just can't understand how she doesn't see that though...


I have given in to temptation and given her a couple naked massages this past week when she couldn't sleep....I told you I'm weak....I'd crawl across broken glass just to touch her...meant nothing of course....but for a brief time I was in heaven....what a sap I am....and I'd do it again in a second...

Anyway....monday is my last day in the house unless an act of God intervenes...and I have been praying.... I don't believe I'll have internet at my parents, so I want to take this time to thank you LN especially, and others who have offered advice.... you really have been a tremendous help to this lovelorn fool....and I wish you much luck in your owm sitch....

I don't know what comes next...I do know she has the D papers under the seat of her car....I don't know what to do when she presents them to me....sign? don't sign? what happens if I refuse to sign....

Also noticed on the papers she's taking her maiden name back....jeez...that really hurts....I mean, what, forget the past 20 years even happened?? My God, that really stings!!



I'll try to get back, maybe from a wireless connection at Starbucks or something....

In the spirit of that old movie cocktail,
here is this new bartenders MLC poem:

May we wake one day to find love has grown
and returned to us from where it has flown
To find our MLCers finally have awoken
to fix our hearts once mistakenly broken
To start again, all fresh and new
to discover a love that will always be true
to have and to hold..till death do us part
together, one life, one love, one heart



Cheers....and the bar is OPEN!!!!!!!!

[LoginName]

Congratulations OL, on the bartender thing. Maybe a new career? A hard one though. Maybe just for parties or catered events for some extra cash. Maybe to impress you friends. I've been drinking Manhattens lately. I like burbon and scotch, haven't really had mixed drinks before. Kind of fun to try them.

I get a little satisfaction out of your W not passing (I'm allowed to be petty and mean.). I think it's funny (in a sad way, or sad in a funny way) that grandpa is bouncing checks. This MLC stuff is whacky. What could she see in him? (maybe, what did you see in her, if her judgement is so off?).

Hey, don't sweat the D papers. My wife was in contact with L and all, but didn't follow through. Many on these boards have been told the papers are coming and they never do. If nothing else, filling out those papers are hard work, and she probably doesn't have it in her.

If I can give you my last DB counselor phone session, would you want to use it? I'll see if it's transferable.

Good luck, OL, with the job search, place to live, the whole thing.

I'm in a mood today, so I won't be as positive as I usually am (Am I usually positive?). My first session with a counselor, when my W was still with the OM in another state, he asked me why I wanted her back. Good question. I think asking yourself that questions, seeing that she isn't that great, that you deserve better, helps you to detach and get your feet under you again. Then, if you do want her back, you are working from a more equal state (she doesn't have all the power)and you are stronger. I think this makes you more attractive to her and others too. And, seriously, why would you want her back?

I hope you can get on line occasionally. I'll miss you. You've already won, you've already shown how strong you are, you've survivied. Now you just have to see it through to whatever end comes.

You're not out of luck. You're finding new luck. I think it comes when you're not worried about finding it.

You are strong.

[outtaluck]

Hey....

Made it back :-) I'm at the library looking for job listings so I thought I'd drop in.

I'm at my parents :-( 4 people in 2 rooms..ugh...think I'll go crazy soon. Back killing me from sleeping on floor. Slightly less stressed though.. well, its a different stress anyway...

Had to see her yesterday to pay cell bill...really strange being in my house and its not my house...

Conversation was the usual awkward stuff...

It was her birthday last sat....gramps bought her a $300 cross necklace....guess the kids won't be eating this week :-)

About those papers...she has them all filled out...plans on taking maiden name back and all....not seeing much hope here...

My plan is just to get the best life possible....first get a job... Someone called about a job yesterday, but I was forwarding calls from the old phone, and she stopped service on that line yesterday...so potential employer doesn't have my number...thats why I'm at library to find the old listing..

I don't know what to do with W at this point...I don't plan on calling....she took her cell off too, so I couldn't if I wanted...its all on her now....

So what should I do when she presents those papers to me??? Sign?? What happens if I don't.... Part of me just wants to say the heck with it all.....but I do still love her...

Bah...

Anywho....I should have internet at the flop house :-) in a day or so...so I should be able to get back....running out of time here (60 min)

Hope all is well with you LN, and everyone else...

Cheers :-)

[LoginName]

OL, things will feel better soon. (how could they not? )

I've seen this happen to some on these boards, and it's happening to me now. I'm tired. I can't post as much as I did. Also, work is actually making some demands on my time. But I won't forget you. I'll be reading your posts.

About those papers. I don't know legally what you can and can't do. I can tell you that I've seen a lot of people on these boards worry about them, the W or H has them all filled out, or has even served them (if that is the right phrase) but the MLCer never followes up and never completes the process. That could easily happen in your case. (Hell, Divorce is hard work. I still carry the papers with me. Once I thought about starting the process, but looking at all the work I had to do, I changed my mind. :)) Even if she does follow through, it doesn't necessarily mean much. Your actions need to stay the same. GAL!!! It's about you now, friend. Take care of yourself. Detach. If you need to work through the grief and the loss, do it here or in a journal or with a friend. But know you will, you already have, come through this a winner. You've already shown how strong you are, that you'll survive.

The advice I've seen here about the papers is stall. Do't be mean, don't fight it, but don't help it along. If you can find a free lawyer, when the time comes, I think that would be a smart move. Look in the yellow pages. I think there are legal groups who help those who can't afford a lawyer.

Good luck. How's the job search going? Remember, take care of yourself, sleep, eat, find a job.

[outtaluck]

Well, survived week 1 at camp crazyfolks :-)

Thats what it feels like, camping out... don't get me wrong, it was super nice of them to take me in, but I gotta get outta here...

Maybe when I actually get working again I'll feel better...plan on taking all the OT I can get ;-)

Have been having some fun though with the folks...hit up the casino, and the horse track in NY.

I've been thinking of just signing those papers she has....more for my daughter, who is applying for financial aid....thinking she should get much more money this way. I don't know...bad idea??

W called the other day....all pissy....says I've been spying on her (NOT) someone must have seen my car around town....but I do have friends there....whatever, can't tell her nothing. Anyway, I was forced to leave a bunch of stuff at the house cause I got no place to put it here.....she always said don't worry about it...it'll be safe there.....why am I such a sucker to believe her I don't know.... so anyway, she calls and tells me to get my stuff out...gives me a week to do it...

I told her she could burn it all for all I care anymore...nothing all that important....lots of books, low end guitars, misc junk... I might pick up a handful of stuff, but it does bother me that she turned on me so soon.

Still picking up mail from her till change of adress takes effect...she won't even let me near the house...met me in parking lot where daughter works. Must have something to hide....NOW I want to spy on her.....but I won't...just don't want to know at this point.....If I do find out who OM is I just might do all I can to ruin him. Really wouldn't be so hard to find out....I just thought it might be better for my own sanity not to know...maybe I'm playing it like a pussy, maybe I should go all out on this SOB. The more she pisses me off the more I want to take him out....

Breathe....

Still looking for job...had some interviews...sent out resume to a bunch of places. Seeds planted, nothing sprouting yet...

Other than that, just losing whats left of my mind :-)

[LoginName]

OL,
Too bad I can't buy you a beer. You need one (but not more than, say 3?).

I just happened to get on to check and see that you just posted. Glad you're still kicking. You've found some fun, and that's important. Don't stop.

Are you applying for a job as a bartender? Hard work, hard on the feet especially, I'm told. But, looks like fun. Pay can be good.

Don't worry about the papers. IMHO, sign them, or don't, doesn't matter. If you can talk to a lawyer, I'd advise it. The papers, just like the OM, don't matter. Would it really help your d get financial aid? Seems to me she shouldn't have any trouble getting any, regardless.

Remember, if she's pissy, be polite. You don't have to put up with abuse, but don't give it back. Just be polite. Let it roll off of you. Use whatever tricks you want to help you do this. I have a voodoo doll. Or you can imagine that everytime she's pissy at you, she is secretly saying I love you. And it could be true. So be strong, be polite and cheerful (as much as you can be). It will help in the long run. Honest. Get the anger out here, or with a voodoo doll.

maybe I'm playing it like a pussy, maybe I should go all out on this SOB

Man, I've thought this so often myself. I wonder if I should just be a man and kick my W out, or at least tell her what I feel and think of her and her actions. But, OL, we are being so strong doing this the right way. We are men for doing it this way. Real men. Not one of the 'tough' guy times could survive half an hour in our shoes.

OL, you're doing it. You are strong. The OM doesn't freaking matter. Seriously. It's so damn hard to get him out of your head, but try. Practice Stop Thinking.Whenever you think of the OM, stop. Do whatever it takes. It's for your own health and future happiness (and it might help you get your M back). He doesn't matter. In her mind, it's really all about her. Time for you to do the same. It's all about you now. Take care of yourself. Have fun. Get a job. You are moving on. You can be willing to move on with her, if she decides later to do that, but even if she does, it's time to do what you want.

Get angry if you have to. Get it out of your system somehow. Don't show her your anger. Don't worry about the idiot OM. It won't last. Not that you should really care, but it won't. The Affairs almost never do.

If I keep writing, I'll keep repeating myself, but how many times do you need to hear it? Let go of her. The OM is a loser who doesnt' matter or count at all. Concentrate on yourself. All you need to do with or for her is be polite.

I'm seeing results in my sitch. I'm feeling a new kind of strength. I'm able to see my life opening up. God, it still hurts like hell, but I know I've moved on and the hurt is just the residual.

You will get there too. You can do it faster by taking the advice of the DBers.

You, are worthy. Her opinion, which is way crazy now anyway, doesn't affect that. You are good, and really strong.

Peace, bro. Relax. Let it go. Have fun. Sleep soundly. Eat. Laugh. Life. It gets easier. It gets better. You'll be surprised at how you turn out when you come through all this.

[outtaluck]

Hey all, been a while, trying to keep this junk off my mind....lots of drinking involved :-)

Not much contact with W...once to pick up some extra stuff that I wanted. Just a heres your crap, I'm fine, Bye, kind of deal.

Sat was my birthday.....and for my present from her? Yep, got my divorce papers sent here. How delightful :-)

Had a great birthday regardless...spent some time with her cousins and they all seem to still love me, and we had a great memorial day picnic.

I got a friend who is going to have her boss, a lawyer look over the papers....beyond that, I guess its over, for now. Whatever...I'll be here for her if she wants me....just not much more I can do, is there? Never really was, it seems....

I joined a gym...so there is something productive I can do with my time....still looking for a job. May be a way I can start my own bread route, so I'm looking into that.

So financial report not so great, Sitch not so great, but PMA is way up.....and thats a start.

Hope things are going good for all of you...

cheers!!

[LoginName]

Hey friend. Sorry to here about the papers. Are you really feeling the PMA? That's fantastic. Why is your PMA up? Not that it shouldn't be. Abe Lincoln said most people are as happy as they decide to be. Decide to be happy. Oh, happy b-day. (I am fearing mine, and my anniversary.)

Watch the drinking, OA. Too easy, too dangerous. Yes, I know I sound like your mom.

I think you are at the real Last Resort Technique stage. It's really not necessarily over though. You never know. You know what to do; GAL your ass off. Take care of yourself.

And now, my whining. I'm not in the best of moods to post to you right now, 'cause I'm actually a little envious of you. I hate this on the fence stuff. I want to know if my W is going to be mine or not. If not, I want to move on. This waiting for her to decide isn't fun. No, I don't want a D, not yet. But I do envy you a little.

I know it is hard, and hurts like hell. Maybe it's better than a slow deatch.

Your M isn't dead yet, not until you say it is. Hope without expecting. I don't think I could hope. For me it would be easier to not hope for anything, but mentally leave a door unlocked, maybe even cracked open, for her to come back through if she wanted to. Meanwhile, your life is ahead of you. Better things await.

Your brother in arms,