Valentines day massacre

[outtaluck]

Thanks OTB,

I've said quite a few nasty things along that line before...it doesn't do anything but start another fight. Trying not to go down that road as much as I can. Bad enough the innocent comments that fall out of my mouth get her going... I can deal with the "friend" talk for now...its not any gory detailed stuff....just as if she went out with a girlfriend.

Unfortunately I wont be here much longer so I'd like it to be friendly.... and I'd rather listen to this crap than that awful silence.


Here's an interesting development... W was looking into bartending schools....and I thought...hmmm...I'm outta work...got lots of time...it only takes a week....why not....so as I was looking online she noticed...and long story short...we're both planning on going to school together a week from tomorrow... it should make for an interesting week!

She was saying a couple times that she's not sure if she can trust me...like I'm going to use it against her to get us back together somehow...(I'm paying for both...she offered to pay back but I'm not going to hold her to that) That honestly isn't my intention...really just wanted to take advantage and get out of my own comfort zone a little...see what the other side of the bar looks like.:-) and to genuinely do something nice for her.

I am going to need a lot of strength to not slip up and say something that she could interpret as such though... Really want this to be a fun shared experience for us both...think that'll be good for us..

[LoginName]

OL,
I've got to say that you've been very strong, very brave, and have been putting on a very brave front. I don't think I could do what you've done. I could not face my W and talk to her civilly about the OM. Of course, none of us know what we can stand before the test comes. If you have time, I think you could find some usefull information by readion grasshopper's story. Search on his name and read his threads (lots of them, too many really). He lived with his W while she was seeing OM, and somehow they have pieced their M back together.

On the other hand, grasshopper has advised others, like JustBestFriends, not to put up with that; to set boundaries and stick to them.

From my point of view, I think grasshopper was lucky in many ways. I agree with OTB and JBF. I could not discuss the OM with my W as a friend would. It's hard enough the few talks we've had about OM. I won't tell you what to do on this (only because of the example of grasshopper) but my thoughts and feelings are that I couldn't discuss OM with W and I'd have to stop the conversation.

I wouldn't phrase it like OTB did. I think I'd say non-judgementally that I'm sorry but I don't want to hear about him and what you do with him. If she continued to talk about OM, I'd excuse myself and walk away. Again, as hard as it is, I'd try to be non-judgemental; not condeming her for forgetting her vows, etc.

Bartending school. Well, it may turn out OK. I don't know why you are paying for her tuition. IMHO, I don't think you should. It does set up expectations. Perhaps more importantly, you can't afford it. It goes back to detaching and GAL. Why are you doing this? Honestly? Go to bartending school if you want to, but not to be with her. Do it for yourself.

I think you really need to detach and find some space for yourself. Am I misreading your sitch? Is there a lot more room for hope than what I see? OL, you're sitch is dire from what I can tell. Last Resort Technique is a good plan. You don't have to cut off all contact. You can be there for her if she asks for help. But she's having an Affair. She's told you to leave. I think you need to start swimming fast.

This deserves a lot more thought and discussion, but I have to take off. I'll try to get back to this today.

Good luck, hang in there, you can do it, you're not alone in this, we are and will survive.

[outtaluck]

No...I really don't think there is much hope at this time. I really mean this just as a friendly gesture. She really has it in her head that I didn't contribute as much as to the household. Now I could argue her point by point...and prove her wrong...but that'd just add to the friction. Maybe I'm trying to prove to her I'm not the monster that she's making me out to be??

I got 21 days left here....after that, I'm not going to be the one to initiate contact....(unless its at 3am after a couple bottles of jack....KIDDING :-) )

I kinda just want to leave on a high note....

Also, she could probably get the money from OM.... she could forget all the drinks and crappy dinners he buys for her...but this is the kind of thing that could make him look like mr wonderful for a long time....not gonna let that happen...not on my watch...

So yeah, maybe a little ulterior motive there....but that was really an afterthought.

Funny story...BTW...as she was telling me about this guy...she finally let out how old he really is 53...15 yrs older than her...when she told me this I started laughing so hard...I was almost falling out of my chair...just the thought of myself getting so upset about this guy...I don't know...took alot of the sting away. I wonder what she was thinking as I was cracking up....I just couldn't hold it in....My W has turned into Anna Nichole...LOL

Was there at the school today to sign up....went by myself....really getting excited about the whole thing....I haven't been excited about much in a long time....teachers and staff seem like a good bunch of people....just getting a good vibe so far.

I had a friend at my old job that went to bartending school...always thought it was interesting....didn't know just how cheap it is to actually go...so its been bouncing around in my head for a while now....not just since W brought it up. Actually the school I was looking at was a bit more expensive...so I'm glad it worked out the way it did.

I'm really not doing this to be with her, but I am glad she'll be there with me...if only as a friend...I may be pretty naive I'll admit, but I'm not doing this in the name of hope....and if it turns out I was wrong and I regret doing this...I'll be here to be an example to the next sucker who wants to try this kind of thing.

Its also got me thinking of other courses or classes I might want to take...without her of course.... I feel like I want to leave the old me behind for a while...do a bunch of stuff I always wanted to do but never got around to.

Its weird...ok...I feel more detatched sometimes when I AM with her....like the things she's doing and saying are really turning me off to her. Its when I'm alone I create this fantasy where she's this all loving wonderful person...when I'm with her again reality smacks me in the head...and I realize just a little more each time...that for now I just may be better off without her....not that I don't love her still...just don't want her back as desperately as I did. If I do anything nice its more to prove to myself that I'm not like she said I am....

I don't know...I'm in less pain than I was....but I still got some frayed wires up in the ol noggin...affecting the thinking proccess.

[Alaska]

[quote]I post in the MLC because thats now what I think is going on. She started going out drinking with friends and would say that they have so much but she has crap. Their husbands give them everything... Well I would but I'm not financially able to...she always seemed so satisfied before. [quote]

Since when are YOU responsible to pamper the h3ll out of her?? I know that of which I speak...........my wife thought the same.
Some of these spouses forget how good they've got it. My ex is finding that out now.

When she said about how the other's wives got pampered, maybe you should have said " I KNOW what you mean! A couple of guys at work are SOOOO lucky! Sex 8 or 9 times a week, oral sex performed on them several times a week, and the variety and enthusiasm!! Man, I know what it's like to be jealous. And the best thing is, their wives do this because they WANT to!! Because they love their man, and appreciate all that he does for his family. They understand there will ALWAYS be people with more, but that he is doing his ABSOLUTE best, and they appreciate it immensely."

How's that suit you?

Don't forget my friend, this a 2 way street. TWO way street. You are NOT all to blame, no doubt. Look back. Did you do the best YOU COULD for your family?? IF so, then walk forward with your head held high.

My wife thought I should stay in a job I HATED, and she knew I HATED, so she could stay put where we live and enjoy the "finer things", like not having to ever go to work, but instead, sit around with your girlfriends and drink beer most days.......then get your antsy up so you could bitch at me when I got home!! LOL.

[Alaska]

[quote=Alaska]

I post in the MLC because thats now what I think is going on. She started going out drinking with friends and would say that they have so much but she has crap. Their husbands give them everything... Well I would but I'm not financially able to...she always seemed so satisfied before. [quote]

Since when are YOU responsible to pamper the h3ll out of her?? I know that of which I speak...........my wife thought the same.
Some of these spouses forget how good they've got it. My ex is finding that out now.

When she said about how the other's wives got pampered, maybe you should have said " I KNOW what you mean! A couple of guys at work are SOOOO lucky! Sex 8 or 9 times a week, oral sex performed on them several times a week, and the variety and enthusiasm!! Man, I know what it's like to be jealous. And the best thing is, their wives do this because they WANT to!! Because they love their man, and appreciate all that he does for his family. They understand there will ALWAYS be people with more, but that he is doing his ABSOLUTE best, and they appreciate it immensely."

How's that suit you?

Don't forget my friend, this a 2 way street. TWO way street. You are NOT all to blame, no doubt. Look back. Did you do the best YOU COULD for your family?? IF so, then walk forward with your head held high.

My wife thought I should stay in a job I HATED, and she knew I HATED, so she could stay put where we live and enjoy the "finer things", like not having to ever go to work, but instead, sit around with your girlfriends and drink beer most days.......then get your antsy up so you could bitch at me when I got home!! LOL.

Bears repeating.

[LoginName]

Hey OL, I'm still pressed for time but want to let you know I'm still here. Some quick questions and comments for you...

Maybe I'm trying to prove to her I'm not the monster that she's making me out to be??

What kind of a monster were you? What do you think you did wrong? Nothing you did means that you deserve what's happening now (unless it's abuse of somekind,and I don't think that's the case. ). I think it's good to get to the root of the problems in the M/R and try to correct them. Even if you don't get the chance to improve in this M, it will be good for any future R you may have, and for yourself.

I got 21 days left here

Wow. Got a place to go to? Your parents? I know you'll be OK.

unless its at 3am after a couple bottles of jack....KIDDING :-) )

Glad you're kidding, but I suggest staying away from the Jack for a while anyway.

the kind of thing that could make him look like mr wonderful for a long time

I see your point, but you can't compete with him anyway, especially not financially, right? You're better than that old sob. You don't have to compete, and you can't anyway. He's not even playing the same game as you. Play your game, and you win. Your game is GAL, PMA, work on yourself. You win no matter what happens.

I've read 3 or so books on infidelity, and they all say the OM/OW is usually not better looking, etc., than the spouse. It's really not about the OM. It is funny that he's so much older. Glad you feel a little better and had a laugh.

Its also got me thinking of other courses or classes I might want to take..

Good GALing. GAL can be free stuff too, IMHO. But this is good.

I feel more detatched sometimes when I AM with her

I know what you mean. With them we can see them and there warts and all. When they are just in our head, we can put them on a pedastal.

some frayed wires up in the ol noggin...affecting the thinking proccess

I am so lucky my employer has patience with me. It's been really hard to concentrate the last 6 months. It keeps getting easier.

We'll make it.

[LoginName]

Alaska, OL, Some great points.

When she said about how the other's wives got pampered, maybe you should have said " I KNOW what you mean! A couple of guys at work are SOOOO lucky! Sex 8 or 9 times a week, oral sex performed on them several times a week, and the variety and enthusiasm!! Man, I know what it's like to be jealous. And the best thing is, their wives do this because they WANT to!!

D@mn! Wouldn't that be great! LOL. Are there women like that?

You are NOT all to blame, no doubt. Look back. Did you do the best YOU COULD for your family?? IF so, then walk forward with your head held high.

AMEN! Again, you can always improve, and be better, but hold your head high.

My wife thought I should stay in a job I HATED, and she knew I HATED,

OUch. My sitch was kind of the opposite. I stayed in a job I hated because that's what I thought I had to do to be a good husband. If you hate your job, it affects everything.

Geez, Alaska, I don't think I would like your W.

[outtaluck]

[quote=Alaska]

When she said about how the other's wives got pampered, maybe you should have said " I KNOW what you mean! A couple of guys at work are SOOOO lucky! Sex 8 or 9 times a week, oral sex performed on them several times a week, and the variety and enthusiasm!! Man, I know what it's like to be jealous. And the best thing is, their wives do this because they WANT to!! Because they love their man, and appreciate all that he does for his family. They understand there will ALWAYS be people with more, but that he is doing his ABSOLUTE best, and they appreciate it immensely."

Now THAT would have been a great comeback....

She was however, great in the sex dept...actually,up until the bomb she was an amazing lady... I kinda wish she would have bitched at me instead of holding it all in developing some kind of resentment toward me.

She always seemed content at least....everyone has things to bitch about...job, money, etc... She never once made her complaints about me, until....

I did do the best I could at the time....looking back though I can see places I could have improved...hindsight 20/20 right??
She could've said something...we could've worked together and made this right...

Aughh...I got to stop looking back...lotta good thats gonna do me now anyway...

BTW...hated my job too....6 days a week...seven nights...split shift kind of thing....not nearly enough money...I should have left there years ago... always check to check, I was afraid to be out of work for long if a new job didn't work out...kept myself stuck... and yet, she didn't seem to mind...even came up to help me at times... things like that are what make this seem so crazy to me...

[outtaluck]

Hey LN...

Not that I thought I was a monster...but the way she acts towards me sometimes, I mean, all the hatred she has towards me sometimes...I just feel like for her to feel that way she had to see me as this awful person. Not that I felt I did anything major wrong...maybe things I should have done. Of course all she had to do was A-S-K!!!! There were times when I did do alot...around the house...trying to help take the load off...and she wasn't happy with that so... She seemed to like being the martyr or something. I guess it's not what she really wanted....my mind reading skills have always been weak. I can't even take a hint....she should have used the 2 x 4.


Yeah...unless a miracle happens...its the parents. Now there is a reason for the Jack :-)

I know I can't compete with OM...you're right, not even playing the same game....all the same it still feels good to do this for her...without any expectations on my part. And as a side note, she did mention that his bank acc is getting kinda low.... Yeah, gramps....buy another round!!!


More on that weird stuff...I can detatch around her..listen to OM talk...hang and just be friends....even massage her and not feel hopeful or anything ( though thats been a while) but when she does that treat me like a ghost stuff the next day or two later...I just don't get it...knocks me off my balance....brings up alot of sadness....and I realize just how far I have to go still.

There are those days where I feel just wonderful...not a thing can bother me....and days like today where I just feel lost and empty....and I feel like I'm doing the same things....

FINALLY talked to my friend...went out for beers last night...and well, his wife was right...he had no idea what to say....but I'm glad he made the effort.

[outtaluck]

Went shopping with W yesterday....I was in a weird mood...started making jokes about her OM....getting her all stressed out....started getting into little arguments...nothing serious, just playful stuff...but still had her laughing. Ticked her off so much she had to call OM to calm down....while I was loading groceries into car...gotta love her :-/

Anyway we get home and, I don't know...she had this look...I swear that vacant look was gone for a little while...she gave me a hug for making her laugh. How weird...piss her off...get a hug??

We talked for a while after that...

Not the first time that I've been a real jerk (her words) and gotten a strangely positive reaction.

I don't have a point here....just reflecting on the strangeness of it all