Yay!!! You are doing so so so well. I'm so proud of you. I do know how hard it must have been for you to decide to make this trip on your own - and you did it. Fantastic.
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I feel strange, empty, full, empowered, angry, sad, lost, lonely, strong, etc, all at the same time.
Yeah - of course you do. Talk about 'out of your comfort zone'. This is a biggie. That's why it's so powerful.
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He said okay and I think looked kind of shocked...
You H is definately shocked that you have decided to take the trip on your own, without talking it to death before you decided. He's shocked and he's surprised that you have taken your power back and made a decision by yourself for yourself - and let me tell you, that is going to feel very uncomfortable for him. Excellent.
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It made me realize how much I depend on him - even for small things like helping with luggage when we travel.
This revelation is a big one isn't it? I remember when I realised it I was kind of amazed. I had been trotting through life, blissfully unaware that I relied on my husband to do everything that I didn't feel like doing. It had made me lazy and a bit of a spoiled brat (or as my sister said recently "V, you were such a Princess." AGH ...). Once I realised it, I also realised I didn't like it about myself and these days I love how independent I am. I carry my own luggage, I change my own light bulbs, I take out the trash every week, I mow the lawn and if I don't feel like mowing the lawn I call the gardener - when I was married I would have asked my H to call the gardener and given very specific instructions of what I needed him to tell the gardener!!! I was a control freak - like kind of a manager in our marriage rather than a partner. I'd do all the thinking and organising, and anything else I liked to do, and I left all the crappy work for him. Poor bugger.
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said okay but am now going back on that... I don't feel like I want to have ANY contact with him at all until I get home if I can avoid it - no e-mail, no phone calls, no anything.
... and the thing is - you don't have to. I guess you are well and truely into the LRT part of the book now, so you'll understand that the way you are feeling is in fact a great mindset to really make the LR work.
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If I keep up communication with him while I'm gone, from a communication standpoint it won't be that much different from when I was home.
Exactly. You are such a fast learner.
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At this point, I no longer feel like I want to continue our R the way it is right now... I'm tired of having my heart rip out time and time again every single day from seeing him and talking to him.... I'm just ready to be strong and set boundaries and set some different dynamics to how to go forward with this.... I hope that will not mean losing him, but things just need to change.
Girl - I can't advise you on any specifics in relation to how to manage interactions on the business etc - but I can say that acknowledging that you are in a position to set boundaries is such a big step for you and so very important. What happened the other night when he slept over at your home apartment? Did he speak to you in the morning? Do you want him to be able to come and go as he pleases? Are you comfortable "sharing" with poor stupid OW? All of these issues are in your control and you have the capacity to set your own personal boundaries around them.
Having said that, I'm interested as to why you see such a strong link between you working hard and him staying over with her? I understand that because you guys are in business together you have to see more of each other than if you had separate careers, but I wonder if it would be helpful for you to decouple your business life from your personal life.
I hear what you are saying about the business being something that you have built together as a means to fulfilling your dreams - but at the end of the day it is only a job. You know, it's the thing you do to make money to live the lifestyle you want. It's kind of entirely separate from your personal life.
I guess you'll have lots of reasons why you don't agree with that, but as an outsider looking in, it just all seems a little all consuming to live together, work together, have your social life largely revolve around the business - I wonder if those circumstances have made this even harder for you than might otherwise be the case if you didn't work together.
Just rambling really.
Anyway - it's so great that you got away. How long are you there for? Keep praying, keep asking the universe to help you move through this journey. I used to have little conversations with God when things got really hairy - and I'd say something like "I'm listening God, please help me hear." Inevitably - I would hear/feel something in my heart that would keep me going.
Enjoy
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks, Virginia. As usual, you've got me all choked up again... I will respond more thoroughly later but just wanted to say thanks for keeping in touch with me so closely. I get such strength just from reading your posts and knowing you care.
I got the book "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil before I left and started reading it today. I started to read it over lunch today and found myself crying like a baby right in the middle of the eating area! LOL I don't know if you have read it, but it also talks about taking the focus off of "us" and onto "me." There are a lot of exercises in the book so far, and I've been working on them for about two hours now - am exhausted! Am excited to get to where it brings it all together. Right now I guess the exercises are designed to help me truly understand the problems we are having so that I am working on fixing the right things - in myself I guess? Anyway, will keep you posted. Am feeling a bit down and overwhelmed right now and anxious so am going to go get some dinner and gamble a bit and then come back to watch the American Idol results... LOL
Real quick (maybe you'll respond before I log back on), about the business, what I mean is that it's excruciatingly hard for me to see him/work with him/interact with him on a daily basis for the business - it's so distant and not even friendly, and I notice it with every conversation we have. It makes me anxious and sad, and it's like going through the pain every single day over and over and over again because of our constant business interactions. It's just hard to move on and get to what I need to be doing - fixing myself. This distance from him right now while I'm away hurts, but it's overall helping (I think??? still overwhelmed with emotions)....
So... it's just really hard to keep forcing myself to do my "job" every day, which contributes to his happiness and success as well, and then at the end of the day have him go stay with her. It is deflating to me, I suppose. It's what I've explained of him having the best of both worlds - I stay happy and work hard in our business, which makes him happy with the business, and he gets to stay with her, which makes him happy in his personal life. It makes me angry and it hurts. He has everything he could ask for right now. For me, the business interactions are necessary right now to keep our business afloat, but the interactions with him hurt my heart. AND my personal life = heart breaking daily because of the lack of love I see in his eyes.
Does any of this make sense? I am trying to separate making sure I'm not just doing this to "hurt" him (distancing myself from the business) versus doing it for my sanity.... It's not that I want him to struggle with the business by himself, but at the same time, the business interactions are hurting me daily, and I just don't want that anymore.
What is the answer? I don't know... Are our lives drastically tangled with business, personal, friends, acquaintances, social circles and events... more than I care to think about right now. That's so much of what makes this so hard. Do you see how I've come to depend on him so much? Our lives are so intertwined in so many ways. It's not like I can just go off to work every day in a completely unrelated field, be around people who don't know us so much as a "couple," and only deal with my feelings after the work day. It's day in, day out talking with him, going to "our" office and seeing reminders of him and our dreams, working all day on things that I'm worried I'm going to lose (regarding the business being a vehicle to achieve our dreams). It's like I can never escape to give me time to heal and work on me.
So how do I set boundaries that will help distance myself from him and still keep the business going strong?????
Further, I feel like I need some pressure taken off of me regarding the business. I am so far behind and am working on getting caught up. It was hard enough when things were "okay" between us, but now that we're at where we're at, things are really, really, really behind. And H wants to work on buying more properties and doing more projects. I just feel like I want to get caught up and take a breather and just "be" for a while... So do I tell him that if he finds any more projects I'm happy to give him information to acquire them himself but that I need a break? Will that scare him away? I don't know. I'm just feel like I'm so pressured with getting caught up and am getting further and further behind and can't focus and desperately just need a "break" without the thoughts of the business falling behind hanging over my head...
Okay, rambling again and starving! Off to eat and gamble before Idol. Post if you get a chance! Thanks, Virginia. You are helping me so much! BTW, I'm here until Saturday morning. I get in on Saturday afternoon and have three move-ins at home when I get back, so Saturday will be busy, which I know is good...
I'm so excited for you to be in Las Vegas by yourself. I always tell myself I am going to do that just to get away and think. I think it would help clear your mind. I don't know if you drink or not but I heard that Jimmy Buffets Margarieta Ville has great Margarieta's. It is on the BLvd.
I just can't believe how much our business is alike and what is happening to both of us. The difference is I have a full time job that is different that our business that I do when I can during the day and nights and week-ends with his imput. It is extremely hard to get a grip on things when you are so far behind because there is so much to do with the business and no desire. I used to have the desire and the energy to try and keep things up and going. I don't know if you feel the guilt but I feel the guilt some times of not having things done but not having the desire to get it done because it used to be for us. But Realizing you have to keep it going strong because it benefits us too. I feel the same way you do about him wanting you there to do the work but her to have the fun. It was interesting to read Virginia's take on what is the strong link between hard work and him being with her. I hadn't thought of it that way before. In my mind ( don't know about yours) its like if I work hard he will appreciate me and see and appreciate all the hard work and see how good of partners we really are but I am also thinking how can he be with her she can't do all that I do. I have people tell me all the time you work your butt off and he doesn't see it or appreciate it. I would be interested in hearing Virginias take on this. It is so close to what I've been going thru too. He has a very big family that we have always done business and social things with also he basically has turned this part of the business over for me to run but is quick to tell me if I'm not keeping up. It used to be such a great life style but it is hard to get everything done. It is a mental and physical job and a takes time. AT times like you, Tam ,I wonder if I can do this or do I want to anymore. It is hard becasue my kids come home and help and enjoy it but they are in College and aren't here all the time. Tam, You have come such a long way. YOu should be very proud of the steps you have made. It is so hard to look at all you have put together in a business and to give it up. I am there too. At times I think You should not try to be so responsible and worry and go enjoy yourself. He doesn't worry if it is getting done because I am so dependable he knows it will get done somehow. Reading all these different posts you really get an eye opener what I have let my self become. I'm sorry I rambled on and on.
I wanted to tell you sorry I wasn't here to support you the other night. You have such good support. My H is coming tomorrow after not seeing him for 2 wks to a funeral which will be really hard because there will be people their who don't know whats going on and people that do know her family might even be there. If I can keep my common sense and just be me and don't stress I wil be OK. SORRY I just thought about this as I was writing and kinda Panic for a minute...
You need to go and enjoy yourself and treat yourself to some fun in Vegas. Go explore some fun places and Relax. Maybe a massage.
Well I believe I have rattled on and on. I guess what I was trying to tell you that I understand the business part and how hard it really is. I don't see my H everyday but I talk business with him 3 or 4 times a day. It gets hard not to anwer th calls. Where you have to see him everyday it is very tough but keep your head up and you are definitely improving and becoming yourself. Keep up the good work.
Have a wonderful time in Vegas!!! Really try to enjoy yourself and don't think too much. Your brain needs a break.
About the business, I know I've said it before. I would just recommend you seek legal advice. H is still with OW. You were scared of him leaving you and serving you papers. However, it may be the other way around and you may want to initiate the D if you will no longer tolerate his behaviour and R with OW. You sounded like you were at your last straw this past wk. You need to protect yourself financially no matter what. You don't have to screw H over but do what you need to if you haven't researched the legalities.
As far as the business, I know you put all yourself into it b/c you are doing it for your R with H. If you detach and do it just for you, then you may not feel so drained and feel that OW is reaping the benefits. Isn't selling now not a good time in the market? YOu don't want to have a less stable income if you don't know about the future. But it is a tough decision b/c so much of what you do is comingled on a personal level. Maybe start separating yourself slowly...i.e. different friends or go out separately with them, look at possibilities of properties you can manage by yourself, pursue other hobbies outside of H & business (if u have time!). Just throwing out ideas.
TEll us all about Vegas! Don't get too wild on us. hahha...
Me: 36 WAH: 35 S1: 5, S2: 3, D: 2 Married 13 yrs Bomb dropped Nov. '06 H filed D papers Feb. 1, '07 H nows says OW is GF since April '07
It's so great to hear from you again! Thank you so much for your input. Don't worry about not posting the other night - you are so sweet! Believe me, there will be plenty more "meltdown moments" for me that you can put me in my place with! LOL
I appreciate your input about the business; it sounds like you are in a very similar situation as me as far as that goes.
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It is extremely hard to get a grip on things when you are so far behind because there is so much to do with the business and no desire. I used to have the desire and the energy to try and keep things up and going.
YES, my feelngs exactly. I used to be so energetic and excited about the business and getting behind just made me more determined and driven. Now, I've lost my desire and drive and am falling so far behind but have no desire or energy to get back on top of it, which just makes it worse. This is becoming an increasing, scary problem more and more each day, as people are depending on me outside of our business as well, and I have to make sure I'm taking care of things. I've just lost my passion for our business. I just don't care anymore. I know that's horrible to say, but it's true, and I hate that I feel that way.
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I don't know if you feel the guilt but I feel the guilt some times of not having things done but not having the desire to get it done because it used to be for us.
Absolutely! I feel it every day and keep telling myself I just need to snap out of it and get caught up. Now I'm so far behind that it feels like even if I worked 24/7 in full concentration mode it would take me months to get caught up...
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It was interesting to read Virginia's take on what is the strong link between hard work and him being with her.
Yes, Virginia always has such good insight. For me, a lot of it is because our business was/is linked so much to OUR dreams. The business is just a vehicle to reach all of the dreams we created together. Now, if this doesn't work out, those dreams are shattered - for me at least. Yes, there will be new dreams without H if it comes to that, but before so much of my drive and energy was derived from knowing that my hard work was getting us closer to the dreams we created. Now, knowing that those dreams may not occur, my desire is gone. So, for me, our business IS our personal lives, too, if that makes sense??? We do the business to achieve personal successes for US. For me, it was/is one in the same... Thus, my dilemma. H is very good (at least outwardly) at just putting his mind into work, especially when he has a lot on his mind. He just blocks things out and focuses so strong. I wish so much that I was like that, and I get angry that I'm not.
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AT times like you, Tam ,I wonder if I can do this or do I want to anymore.
If you haven't already, please read what Jody (DB coach) told me about this as far as "acting as if" it IS over rather than telling H it IS over. How would you act differently if it really was over? What would you do differently. This is part of my soul searching on my trip. She told me to re-read the LRT technique and WRITE DOWN how I can specifically apply that to our situation.
About the funeral tomorrow, I will be thinking about you. Stay strong and keep your chin up. You're on the right track - just stay calm, take deep breaths, and just be you. "Act as if" you would at this funeral if this chaos were not going on in your life. How would you act? What would you say?
Vegas is going well. It's amazing how one minute I'm so positive and the next minute I'm in tears again. I'm so ready to get off of this roller coaster... I'm looking forward to setting some business and personal boundaries with H when I get home and taking my power back. I'm tired of him not respecting me and, more importantly, me not respecting myself and demanding respect of me from him. He's treating me like this because I'm allowing it.
My epiphany for today was this after doing my Dr. Phil exercises: my responses showed that I DO want this M to work out. Remember when I saw the movie the other night and Sandra Bullock was saying that she didn't know WHAT she wanted to fight for, keeping or ending the M. Well, my responses to my exercises today clearly showed that my heart is still in this. I think my thoughts in not knowing if I wanted to stick it out anymore had more to do with me thinking that somehow that would be a quicker end to all of this pain - because I'm so tired of hurting. If I just ended it (or gave H the "ultimatum"), then at least I could begin moving on. Right now, this limbo-land is killing me...
One of the exercises was to, without thought, just complete sentence beginnings. One of the beginnings was "I love..." You can answer however you want but are supposed to go with your initial, gut reaction. Mine was "I love my H." There were I think 40 some questions, and that answer, though so simple sounding, was the one that stuck out to me the most.
Also, as hard as it is to admit, I realize (and please keep reminding me that I said this and hold me accountable) that I CAN SAVE THIS MARRIAGE. My answers to the exercises showed me that I am focusing so much of my already low energy level towards the past, towards negative emotions, towards worrying about what he is doing and being angry at him for what he is doing and what he has done, blaming myself, wanting so desperately for another chance at "us," feeling sorry for myself -- on and on. There is so much bad energy being wasted when I have so little energy to start with. Rather than focusing my answers on what I need to do to change ME, I noticed that my answers were focused around all of the negative things that have happened and my hurt and fears. I have to let that go for now, forgive myself and H, and focus that energy on ME. I know that if I just change me I will get that chance I want again for my M. And if I don't, I will know that I truly did give this everything I have - no regrets. Keep reminding me that I said this when I have my low points, okay? My dream of saving my M is in MY hands, and if it's what I want, which it is, I have the sole power right now to make it come true, by changing me and letting go of H for now. I have to find strength with each new day and know that I'm going to be a better person, wife, and friend after this is said and done and that there is no going back to the old me - ever.
Virginia, I told God that I was ready to hear tonight and asked him to help me listen... And I told him again and again and again... Thank you.
Am going to the show still tomorrow night that I got for H and I to go to. It will be hard to see the empty chair next to me, but it will be empowering at the same time.
God help me - this is the hardest journey I've ever been on. Please help me to learn what I am supposed to learn from this - and as quickly as possible!
I know this may be imminent, but I'm not ready to do this quite yet. It's not to that point, and I'm not worried about H serving me with papers. If he surprises me and does, I'll have plenty of time to sort through these things. In the meantime, because I do all of the paperwork for the properties and take caer of all of the finances, he honestly would not really know what to do to mess everything up for me... I have control of the properties. So I'm not worried about him coming in the back door. I know legal advice may be necessary at some point, but I'm just not ready for that yet.
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you detach and do it just for you, then you may not feel so drained and feel that OW is reaping the benefits.
This is what is so hard. As I've said, our business was/is simply a vehicle to gain our personal goals that we created for US. If there is no more us, I feel like the business needs to be restructured so that I can make new dreams for me and shift gears. I hope that makes sense... Current properties and way of doing business = US. To pour my heart into it just for me is not the way I feel...
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Isn't selling now not a good time in the market?
Nope, not so much a problem in our area.
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But it is a tough decision b/c so much of what you do is comingled on a personal level. Maybe start separating yourself slowly...i.e. different friends or go out separately with them, look at possibilities of properties you can manage by yourself, pursue other hobbies outside of H & business (if u have time!).
Yes, this is hard because of the personal connection. I appreciate your suggestions. This is the hard part - IMPLEMENTING what I know is the best thing for me to do... Lots to keep sorting through in my mind.
Am having another meltdown here in Vegas today. Have the show in several hours, so that will help. Am trying to get some work done and then get ready and go gamble before the show to get my mind off this. Am feeling lost and desperate and hopeless again... Need a lift up. Help!!!!
I'm in and out of meetings all day today - so will post when I can.
Go for a walk or a run. Exercise is an incredibly powerful tool to use when we are going through a crisis because it releases feel good chemicals which really help.
Read a book that's not a relationship book - like just do something to take your mind off what your missing. Have you ever mediated? If so, do it now, if not, it's something you could think about doing.
I know you really want me to say - OK - this is it - call you H tell him he's a dirty, stinking, rotten, lousy, bad, bastard and if he doesn't get on a plane and fly to Vegas he's going to lose you forever. And I'd love to. But it wouldn't work.
So, for now, you can use these melt downs to learn how to cope with feelings of everything being out of control. You can learn how to look after yourself. Find stuff to do that takes your mind off the sitch - that's how you'll get through.
What did you do before this crisis that you enjoyed? Do that. The thing is you just need to do something that takes your mind off it
I'll be back later.
Last edited by Walkingback; 03/30/0712:32 AM.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I loved your post about the Dr. Phil book. You sound so empowered and ready to tackle anything. Your confindence is building up, these moments of sadness are just moments they can not erase the growth you have been experiencing, These moments only make us human, they make us woman, emotional creatures. . .
