The topic about housework really got me thinking. Is it common thought for men to think that the woman should do more around the home. What about if she is working?
Also another question is if your wife needed more help what is the right way to go about asking? My biggest fault I have is my mouth. I always get angry and end up telling him off a bit. I hold it in meanwhile trying to be superwoman it feels like. Then the resentment just gets the better of me and I go off. Not very productive.
Generally, guys need clear requests. You may think you are communicating with him, but he may not address the same level of importance to your need (if he even recognizes it) that you do.
Try asking directly for what you want and assign it a time frame or priority.
"Hubby, would you please deal with the garbage in the next few minutes"
"Hubby, I need your help with the kitchen now."
You could also work out a numerical system of priorities. A 1 meaning "whenever you get to it" and a 10 meaning "urgent".
Discuss it with hubby instead of expecting him to "just understand". He likely doesn't.
As for housework/yardwork/maintenance, all that should be negotiated with your spouse.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'm with NOP. Don't hint around , and don't nag. Just say "honey, it would really help me if you could put the boys to bed tonite, I'm fried."
or
"I just can't get this whole house clean in time for your brother's visit. Do you think you could take two of the rooms, and between you and the kids, get them done for me?"
Then please just DON'T criticize the way we do it! LOL
Like Choc says, Then please just DON'T criticize the way we do it! LOL
Actually, not that long ago in my marriage, this was no laughing matter. Doing chores or teaching the kids devolved into a power struggle. W would ask me to do something, then either criticize how I did it or say that I was not putting effort into it and did not care. It felt at times like a setup, and I ended up telling her to just do it herself. It became a point of contention in counseling, and the counselor told W to let me do things as I wish, that for her to tell me how to do something was nothing more than control.
I've mentioned this before, but I told W that I did not want her trying to correct me and therefore control me, that I wanted to have the right to make the wrong choice if I so decided. I might decide to do just that to show W that she was not going to boss me, because what we often argued over had no right or wrong answer, but was just a matter of preference.
Reminds me of that episode on Everybody Loves Raymond where Frank was lecturing Ray about sucking up to the wife in order to please her. Frank said that stuff was not for him, no sir! When Ray asked how he an Marie got along in the marriage, Frank said he learned to do without! Men will learn to do without, rather than fight. Then after enough resentment builds, they end up on this board.
I always tried to do a balanced 50% of the household chores, and my W never nagged or had to ask me to do things.
However, now that she has acted in a WAW manner, I wonder if there were some feelings or unexpressed frustrations related to the household, that she did not express.
One area that she might cite, is the balancing of the checkbook, against the monthly statement, which she would do 90 - 95% of the time. When we paid bills, we often would do that together, with her writing out the checks, while I stamped, sealed, and put mailing labels on. That made that chore go a little faster, but neither of us liked to deal with finances and bills, so this was one area that I should have helped out with more than I did.
With hindsight during the past weeks, I am beginning to see areas of our relationship (like the checkbook duty), where I might have sensed tension or frustration over the past years, yet did not engage my W in a discussion to figure out what she was feeling but not expressing, because a few hours later, things seemed "normal" again. Whatever "normal" is supposed to mean.
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
I don't think a wife should do more around the house, UNLESS she is not working (Working outside the home, that is. If she is working at home, it just kinds of depends on the number of hours spent working).
If my wife needed more help, she would likely NOT hold it in. It would be nice if she asked in the way NOP indicated. The way I would prefer she ask for more help is, "oh great and powerful Hairdog, could you please take out the trash after you're done ML to me, repeatedly, to the point of me having wobbly legs?"
Choc's examples: Just say "honey, it would really help me if you could put the boys to bed tonite, I'm fried."
"I just can't get this whole house clean in time for your brother's visit. Do you think you could take two of the rooms, and between you and the kids, get them done for me?"
I have found that what works best for me and H is if I ask in a very direct, clear manner; the more words I use the more vague it sounds to him. Also if I ask in a way that implies he is doing me a favor, I then have negative feelings associated with the asking and it may set me up to feel guilty about asking him. Not only that, but it also makes me feel like I need to justify why I'm asking him to do something and that also sets me up for feelings of guilt and negativity about myself. I try to avoid saying "will you help me with...." Instead I say, "will you fix/clean/put away/etc.
In example 1, I would say: "Would you put S3 to bed tonight? Thanks!" I might add that S is all ready for bed. If not, I'd specify further if necessary: "Please help him with his pajamas and brush his teeth. Clean pajamas are in the closet. And here's a Pull-up."
In example 2, I might say: "I'd like to do all the house cleaning today because your brother will be visiting tomorrow. Could you please clean the bathroom this morning? Toilet, sink, and tub, vacuum the floor and change the towels. Thanks!" If there's another room I want him to clean, I give him the specifics on that room.
If I need something done right away I say so. Otherwise I give him a deadline (i.e., this morning or by 4:00).
Typically the way it used to happen here was that I would ask H to do a chore. No time frame, just "will you do x?" Then time goes by, H hasn't done it, I say, "are you going to do x?" H says yep. More time goes by, I'm starting to get annoyed, I say, "you said you would do x, why haven't you done it yet?" By now we're in full nag/avoid mode.
Recently this scenario played out; eventually H said that because I didn't tell him I needed it done urgently, he didn't think there was a big rush. So after that, I started giving him a time frame and no more problem. No more nagging, no more getting annoyed. Why it took us 21 years to get to this point, I don't know!
Typically the way it used to happen here was that I would ask H to do a chore. No time frame, just "will you do x?" Then time goes by, H hasn't done it, I say, "are you going to do x?" H says yep. More time goes by, I'm starting to get annoyed, I say, "you said you would do x, why haven't you done it yet?" By now we're in full nag/avoid mode.
This is exactly how it would play out with XW. My standard remark would be, "Is there a timeframe?" after she would get upset because the task had not yet been completed.
I will also say that having grown up in a home where my mom worked, (This was in the 70's and I thought all moms worked and dads cooked) I fully believed each spouse should contribute equally to the house work.
I am the man who is loving my kids and will keep them from continuing this cycle of destruction.
TTHO My H did little or nothing to help around the house when we were first married and this continued throughout. I did ask occasionally for help as I was working full time in a similar job but his mother worked full time and still did almost all the household chores so he assumed I would do the same. Caused a lot of arguments and resentments and I think probably caused a laclof desire on my part.
Asking someone who has never really done much to help may not work. I wondered if you could consider hiring a cleaner for a few hours a week. Lots of working mums I know do this obviously it depends on your financial situation. It makes such a difference someone coming in say on a Friday for 2or3 hours and doesn't cost that much. Means you get the weekend free so can have fun as a couple without feeling guilty if the house needs cleaned. If you look into it and suggest hiring someone it lets your H know you're struggling to do everything yourself but you're not complaining about him. If he says he doesn't think it's a good idea you could then say what you need him to do to help more. As others have said be specific ie. On Friday I'd like you to vacuum or clean the bathroom etc. This would help me because we'd have more time together for fun..... If it doesn't work out and he still won't help do less and don't stress about it. As long as my house is basically clean toilets and kitchen I do care less about other peoples mess mind you it's taken me 30 years to NOT care.
I have someone come in to clean for a few hours every other week, and I have for over 20 years, even when I was single. When I was married, she came every week. Now I'm back to every other week. I don't know what the going rate is around the country and around the world, but here in the southern USA in my small town, it's $60 every time they come, so $120 per month. Worth every penny. The lady I have now actually runs her own cleaning company. She has several women working for her. She and her husband also live in the country near me, she's 35 years old, has five children, and they are trying to adopt two more brothers, age 7 and 11. She is a ray of sunshine, very organized, businesslike, thorough, and I love her to pieces. It's a mutually beneficial relationship to the max.
