Should I expose WAW's secret affair

[hiscott]

Recently, I have discovered an email account the my WAW uses to communicate with her close friends. After looking through a few emails, it was clear that she is involved in a passionate sexual affair with another man. We have been separated for two months and she did not promise that she would not date.

My question is whether I should somehow let her know that I know or simply keep my mouth shut.

[hiscott]

Any thoughts from any one?

[Boss Hawg]

Hey Hiscott,

I think you will probably get responses on both sides. I know if you went to the marriagebuilders site they would tell you to expose, expose, expose.

Personally I didn't and wouldn't. The way I see it is that if you confront her she'll either lie and say she never had an A or if she does admit to the A it'll probably just push her further toward OM.

As you probably know A have there way of running the course. If you want to wait for it to finish then I would sit back, GAL and take care of yourself. If not then I understand too. Your in control now. You do what you feel is right for you.

Take care,

Flying High

[25yearsmlc]

Hi, sorry you got such bad news. DB says stop the snooping and you were snooping. Helps nothing unless you want ammunition for a divorce. Figure out what you want and then read up on this. Maybe the marriage builders say to expose, but the DB does not. Again, do you want to save the M or not? Shaming her into coming back will NOT work in the long run, even if it does in the short run. "Keep the road home paved and smooth. " Best DB advice I got was that. Otherwise she may not be able to come back, in her mind, if she thinks she has to eat crow for years and or that you won't ever forgive her.

How can exposing this help anything? Just wondering. Again, sorry you are here, but it is the right place for you to vent. Keep on keeping on.
j-

[Gina]

I know the natural instinct is to tell her you know about this but I say stick with the DBing and keep your mouth shut. Telling her you know about this now is likely to push her farther away and will not be helpful to you in the long run. She is most likely not in a place where she can be confronted about this. Down the road if things change this will probably be something you will want to talk to her about but right now I don't think it will do you much good. Keeping it to yourself will most likely help keep your sanity because then you will not have to hear any details about the A from her. Try not to think about this (I know much easier said then done) and focus on yourself! Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Hiscott,

just caught up on your sitch. It's a hard one, although on these bb's, it's not uncommon. Lots of M's survive affairs, as yours has done once before. But what is so great about your sitch is that you are looking at YOUR role in her A's' and you are not totally spewing anger at her, which many people would do in your sitch. You only have control over you, and seems you get that. Good. You are also not obsessing the way many of us did, wracking our brains trying to understand the WAS when they may not even understand themselves, and they are in transitions anyhow. We don't know which path they'll take. We only know that we have to GAL. First for US and then for our children, and then maybe for the R.

I have been married for over 25 years. Even though the idea of losing H now still feels like losing an organ, I know I will survive. But the thing is, we don't know if the organ we are losing is indispensable. The truth is that as bad as your pain is, it won't kill you and it won't last forever. Not to minimize it Hiscott. God I really get how you are feeling. But back off and do the DB stuff. It works. It WILL help YOU no matter what happens to the M, and it is the BEST chance of helping the M anyhow. FWIW, I don't have "proof" of a connection, but when I finally detached from H some months back, it coincided with his awakening. There were other factors in the timing, but it does strike me as significant. And I'd give us 60/40 now, as opposed to 1 in 10 like last year...just hang in there and DO the program. You are in the right place, and don't forget the kids needs are higher now than ever before. I read that the worst thing for the kids is when the LBSer sort of checks out, gets needier and depressed, and the kids really lose both parents for awhile. Don't let your kids get temporarily orphaned. Be there for them and it help you get through all this too. good luck, keep posting. SORRY for you finding out about the A. I know it hurts. (((hugs))))
j-

[hiscott]

Thanks Flyinghigh, Gina, and 25. I appreciate your thoughts and your support. I have decided that exposing the affair does not serve me in anyway. I will need strength to not let it out on one of those occasions when she is so cold towards me, but I'm pretty confident that I can do it.

On Sunday, we had a heart to heart and she said how happy that she is with how the separation is going and how unlikely it is that she would want to try to work on the marriage again. She then went into small talk about that boy scout that was lost in the woods. I interrupted her by saying that I still loved her and still have hope that our marriage can be saved, but given the current reality, I need some space to think things over and can not continue chatting about current events. I then got up and excused myself from the room. We haven’t talked since.

Was that a mistake?

[Rosy_Times]

scott, no, I don't think that was a total mistake. You said what you wanted and now she knows it. You don't have to say it again to her. I think the act of you getting up and walking out was the best thing to do also. You nipped the convo in the bud. You probably left her a little dumbfounded.

[hiscott]

I hope so Rosy. I tend to second guess every interaction that I have with her. Now, I need to keep myself from calling her back and appologizing if I came off harsh.

Unfortunately, I think that she will be happy that I am distancing myself from her.