Hi to all of you and thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and helpful ideas on the mini crisis.
H ended up coming home from work 3 hours late that night so that didn't help matters at all - my head was thinking up so many things. I just couldn't seem to find my stop sign anywhere.
Anyway he asked if I was OK because he said I'd seemed quite when he called earlier in the evening. He thought it was because he was late home so I said he'd dropped something and that I'd done something bad and thought he'd be angry with me (ie snooping) and that I had found out something I wished I hadn't. I gave him the sim card and he still didn't get it so I read the texts to him. He said that the two texts were actually one big text which when you read them together it does kind of change the context - making one of the sentences "I thought you might want to meet him". So the story is that the guy mentioned is someone she has known for years and he's a bit undesirable by the sounds of it and has asked her out and she wanted my H to meet him to see what he thought of him!?!?!?!? Now from the texts that does make sense but what the?? Why on earth does she think my H should vet her poptential dates?? Sounds down right cheeky to me at the very least.
H said he can't even remember getting it or talking to her about it afterwards - he did change his sim card and phone the next day so that sounds understandable. He didn't get cross at all and was really put out that I'd been upset about it all night and also reassured me that she absolutely was not on his night out on the Thursday.
So I felt more than a little foolish at getting so worked up (that'll teach me) but also a little skeptical about believing it all. Then I remembered my friend who works at the same place had told me she likes to "attach" herself to people and make things sound worse than they are to get attention so maybe she was right about her all along. Seems she finds my H's kind and generous nature too hard to resist and my H doesn't realise where that kind of attention can lead to.
This trust stuff is so hard after a separation. I always struggled with it a little due to my first H cheating on me a lot. When you have seen the lenghts people go to and the stories they tell to cover their tracks it makes it very hard to just believe what people say without analyzing and wondering if it is a double bluff.
Once again thank you all so much for helping me - I don't know what I'd do without these boards.
I was away for over a week in another state and got back just a day ago....Just catching up here. Looks like you have everything sorted out now with the help of the remarkable people here on the boards. Yes, what would anyone of us do without them?!!
rainbowlove -------------------- ALL IS HERE AND SO MUCH MORE IS COMING!
Thank you for asking after me. Yes I'm OK just been very busy and also H has been off work in the evenings so I haven't had chance to come on the boards.
Everything seems to be going OK still but the newly married feeling we had at first seems to be giving way to the more settled down feeling. It worries me slightly as I don't want things to slip back to how they were before but I suppose it is inevitable that things will not stay in a "honeymoon" faze for ever. Hope you're doing OK too.
Remember when I was talking about names to use to refer to my H? Well I decided on Yiska, meaning the night has passed. I want it to be a sign of hope.
Like the name - especially the fact that you have chosen one that gives you hope and is a positive name.
I've felt strange the last couple of weeks which is why I haven't been on the boards. I've lurked a bit reading yours and a couple of other threads but just haven't felt up to posting. Needed a bit of a break I think. I'm still very up and down and there have been a lot of outside stresses for us the last couple of weeks and we have been arguing a bit. H says he doesn't see anything wrong with that as he thinks it is the outside things putting strain on us. Maybe he's right but it worries me slightly because I don't want it to be the start of a slippery slope to another bomb. I don't know its just I can feel myself starting to feel down like I used to feel before the bomb and I'm not really sure why. Also I'm still struggling with the whole trust thing especially when he uses his mobile phone. Its like the "breakup" seems to haunt me and no matter how good things are it is like a nagging thought at the back of my mind that he left me. Thing is that is never going to go away so I need to find some way of it not entering my mind.
Gosh I'm sounding so depressing now - sorry. Hope you're doing OK - I'll go read your thread now.
Yes I can understand where you're coming from. I've added a signature now, and it put that H rcomitted in Oct 2006 but it took me until April 2007 to feel "safe". I still realise that this is very much a journey, but I now have that feeling of safety.
I got it by very much keeping the focus on me, by giving myself space and not telling myself off all the time. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I suppose I'm posting to say YES I know how you feel and the trust that it's not going to go all wrong again takes time to develop, it cannot be forced and there is very little either person can do about it except be patient and carry on trusting.
Check out SD Found Girl's posts as well, she too is learning to get the trust back, and doing a great job too. You will get there too - it takes time and that lovely P word - Patience
PS did you watch Eurovision last night? We have a party at home, I dressed up as one of Buck's Fizz, H was a metaller. We all wanted Ukraine to win, they were MAD!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Lovely to hear from you again you always say thought provoking things that make me feel more able to deal with things, thanks.
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got it by very much keeping the focus on me, by giving myself space and not telling myself off all the time
Interesting you should say this as I think most of my depression is probably because like you I keepp telling myself off. I tell myself off for not being over it yet, for not being able to forget, for panicing when he uses his mobile, etc, etc. I keep trying to remind myself what a fantastic M we now have (appart from this insecurity of mine). It was never like it is now even when we were first married. It is like it was in the very beginning which is lovely. I suppose I just can't understand myself really - as to why I feel insecure when H is saying such lovely things that sound like they've come straight out of DB!!! He said the other day he's glad we split up because now it is so much better and he knows we'll never get to that point again because we'll see it slipping and we appreciate each other more now. He is right, I know it, but what it has also done is made me see that he is capable of hurting me which I didn't think he was. Oh and how dare you mention that P word on my thread I hate that word
Yes I did watch Eurovision - well most of it. I think I started watching just before Russia sang. What a great idea to have a party for it - that sounds like such a good laugh - might copy that next year! Was Ukraine the one with the silver suites?? The voting really made me laugh.
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I dressed up as one of Buck's Fizz
LOL!! I can still remember watching that year and being so excited during the voting and copying the dance routine over and over and trying to fashion some sort of skirt that would rip off So funny.
Its been a while since I last posted so I thought I'd update.
Things have taken a little bit of a nose dive in the last couple of weeks and I have felt myself starting to turn into the "old" me and H has been doing things he used to do that he had stopped doing. After analysing myself a bit I think is is because 1. I'm starting to feel like I need some sort of big apology for the four months of hell, 2. The things I was keeping quite about in order to oil the wheels of our reconciliation are getting harder to keep quite about and I think I need to start "asking for what I want" but am having trouble doing so in a way that doesn't make H feel I've lied about everything I said was fine, 3. The honeymoon phase is pretty much gone and H is now just being "normal" as he feels completely at ease and OK with everything whilst I still feel quite shook up about what happened and can burst into tears quite easily thinking about any of it.
That said, I know that the D is certainly busted and our M is so very much better than it ever was - we are much closer and happier and more intimate than before. Thank you so much Michelle and to all of you for helping me not only bust my divorce but make my marriage so much better than before!!
I think it just shows that even when you reach your goal of busting the divorce it takes a long time to feel truly secure. I'm not really sure how to proceed to try to iron out the above mentioned niggles but I'm sure I'll get there eventually. Meanwhile if anyone has any helpful tips who have been there please let me know I would be truly grateful.
