Question for those whose S's have had A's.....

[*KS*Chick*]

Do you ever come to a spot where you just say you HAVE to put it behind you and move on? Choose to have good days? Choose to forget the past?

[~Sol]

UA, I don't think you should ever forget the past, but forgive what was done. There's a big difference. You forgive yourself first, and then you ask to be forgiven. That's the way it works. And you have peace and true love as the result!

But yes, there is a time where we come to a spot and decide to move on. I am learning that. And about good days, it's within our power to chose to have them or not. It just takes a little bit of courage to get through a bad moment and decide to have a good day. But forgive the past, don't forget the past. We learn and grow and mature if we decide to remember the past but have forgiven it. I hope this makes sense. It's straight from the Bible.

[*KS*Chick*]

actually Sol - one of our sermons a week or so ago was about forgiving AND forgetting. Satan doesn't care if you forgive as long as you NEVER forget - meaning you still focus on the wrongs done to you...

[~Sol]

Right, but if we always forget the past, aren't we doomed to repeat those mistakes all over? In regards to A's, I think that Michele has it right to forgive but not forget, so we don't make those mistakes again, and we remember the pain that was inflected on our loved ones. We will always have these memories, and I think it's just plain hard to try to forget, unless we get a lobotomy done in that part of our brains. It's much better to forgive, I think.

[*KS*Chick*]

I'm not saying to forget it entirely......but I think the pastor was right that we need to forget the wrongs done to us or that is all we will focus on.

Anyhow, my real question is is there a day that you just decided to do that? Is it something you'd have to do every day? Just decide that living the current way isn't working, neither of you can sleep, so why not just try and not be scared about being (or possibly) hurt again? Leap of faith kind of moment?

[~Sol]

I think it takes time for any hurt to go away. And this kind of hurt is one of the big ones!!! I talked to a close friend of mine who lives near Seattle (we went to high school together), and he told me that after his father's sudden death (he was 55), the A that his wife had was the second darkest moment in his life. It took him a year to come out of his depression, and he never told anybody - not even ME!! One of his best friends!!! This guy is like my brother, and he was dark for a long time until we talked a few months back.

So there does come a day, some sooner than others. But for me, I have to decide every day that I will be OK, and even though my W's A is over, her emotions are not, so there is that lingering pain still. I think that deciding to really move on has to come from within yourself. It's a life-changing kind of moment, where you look in the mirror and say that you are going to live the rest of your life being happy and you are going to move on from the past. We can't take the past with us, so why bother dwelling on it? But we can take our experiences and apply them to future situations so we don't get hurt again. But here's the stickler - when it comes to matters of the heart - there is always an opening to get hurt, it comes with the territory. We open ourselves up and open our hearts up again. So we just learn how to guard our hearts better I think.

[*KS*Chick*]

I agree Sol. I am by no means expecting H to be all smiles and happy........but I was just wondering, when you finally just either "suck it up" and put it behind you, to move on and be happy....or do you dwell on it forever?

I know that's one of his issues. He doesn't want to come home if he can't put it behind him and not throw it up to me in arguments, etc.

And I know he can't know how serious I am about it never happening again. My words mean very little to him and I get that.

[~Sol]

Look at it this way...He will have some blow ups even if he does come home. It's like throwing a pebble that skips on the lake. The first wave is a big splash, then it gets smaller and smaller as it goes further and further out. Those small ripples are still going to be there, but they won't be the enormous splash like when he moved out. Even after a year from now, there will still be "moments", but he will need your help in getting through them. One day, he will need to pick up the books that we are reading and learn how to deal with his emotions. We men are stubborn, and it's the women who really glue a relationship together. I admire you for that, and I see it in my W. My W is not going anywhere anytime soon. As far as I'm concerned, she still allows me a kiss and she still wears her ring. I'm sure we will get to the point where we are truly a couple again - I can see her trying to come back, but I am giving her lots and lots of space, even though I really suck at detaching!!!

Eventually your hubby will have to "get over it". I know I do. It's done, it happened, it stopped, and there's you waiting for him. He needs to grow up, but he also needs to do it on his time. And it sucks that we are the ones that need to be patient. We're the ones DBing, after all.

Here's a thought, next time he's visiting, or in the car, why don't you play the tune "Get Over It" by the Eagles?

[hes_my_man2]

Hey there...it is hard - very hard, especially when we're stuck with just "pieces" of the puzzle and not the whole picture...and deciding to move on IS a choice - it's a daily choice.

But you know.....(I told hubs this on Friday also) we went to see a MC on Thursday - out of our 50 minutes with her - she only focused on the "A" for 2 of those minutes - why? Because it was a symptom of our problems, not the problem itself - why yes, it's a VERY big problem to me, but once I put it into that perspecitive, it was easier to swallow. I still have thoughts and I've even started making up my own dumb answers for them (benefiting me of course)...but sooner or later you just have to choose....

I HATE that this happened, I HATE that he betrayed me, I HATE that he lied to me...but we are finally in a place that we would have never been had we not been brought down far enough to start again...

[*KS*Chick*]

how long did it take you to get to where you are now? I understand it's a process and I know it takes time.