Hi All, Was not quite sure where to post this but it seemed close to MLC enough for me that I felt this would be a good place.
I saw two former co workers this weeken on a business trip to DC. One of these women was married for 15 years when her H went bonkers in MLC. He had multiple affairs, lied, spent money recklessly and then did one of the do it yourself divorces. She was shocked as she had been trying to make it work and was willing to do anything to be with him. They had one child. What she described to me was classic MLC, he had to get divorced, he lied habitually, he took no resposiblity and was enabled by his mother,church members and even my friend. She admits this freely and also admits to having a strong personality. Fast forward beween 5 and8 years into this MLC and he was trying desperately to get back with her. She felt that she could not trust him again and that too much time had passed and she had"moved on".
My friend's exhusband sent his brother in a last ditch effort to ask my friend to take him back! She said no. Because he cannot come home, he meets someone and get married within a few months and tries to replicate the life that he had, all the while calling my friend to test the waters to see if he could come "home". She rejects this idea every time telling him that he has a wife.
At year 8 she meets someone and gets married in year 9. He seems like the ideal person, he goes to church, works hard, is a college grad, owns a home, is divorced but in the lives of the children.
Don't you know, it is now 10 years post bomb for my friend, her exhusband calls her often but she blows him off especially now that he has had a daughter with his current wife. He apologizes constantly to her and their daughter for all the problems that he created, that he left them, that he would never have left, etc.
Her current husband has turned out to be Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He has shut down completely, turns out he lied about finances and owes everyone under the sun. They have not had sex since last summer! He is in total MLC!!!!!! He says that he does not have to share his life with her. He sleeps in the basement, he is standoffish and anti social. He lies constantly. She caught him at OW's house after breaking into his email. He disrespects her and she is planning on the D as soon as her anniversary passes this summer. They live their lives like singles! She is hurt and disgusted but not so that she will stay with him. She is O U T .
My other girlfriend has lived in limbo for THIRTY, yes THIRTY years. She and her H never D'd because he wanted her not to do CS through the courts. He never paid for the D and just went on with his life as a single.
She raised the children, they are in their 20s and 30s. now and are doing great. He lives in the same state but they have lived totally separate, he calls friends to ask how she is and how she looks. Trying to fish around for a way back home. She on the other hand has been successful at avoiding him for over three years now. He regrets what he has done. His relationship with his children is respectful but very D I S T A N T.He has expressed regret and sorrow for the damage that he has done. Turns out OW who had a child for him left him when he got ill years back so now... HE IS ALONE and approaching his 60s.
I know, I could not believe this myself. I am sad for them and looking at my situation, I am sad for myself. The thing is, these women have accepted this and moved on. They both held on for years trying to do the right thing.
I suspect that they were not using DB techniques per se. They begged, pleaded, cried, followed and snooped. All of that turned away the walk away. This went on for years.
Then, one day they snapped out of it. It seems around the time that the MLCer was starting to want to come home but they could not figure how best to tell the LBS, my friends exactly what went on. Neither man got counseling. My younger friend and her H did go twice but he never wanted to go back.
I told this story to show that they do always want to come home. Sometimes too much damage has been done for the LBS to be able to accept them but they seem to ALWAYS want to come home. Both in this case seemed to go through MLC for some time about 5-8 years. Counseling would have helped these two men as their mothers were enablers and their wives were to a certain extent as well.
If you have read this, do not be discouraged. Put it in your mental file so that you can take note of what is happening in your sitch and make decisions that work for you. The MLC person always does, even it if it comes crashing down around them.
Please note also, my friends are doing well. They have wonderful support networks, great children who love them, they travel, own homes and condos and cars. Both have gotten degrees in fields that they love and they do extensive community work. Thire lives are full. My younger friend says that she is disappointed that this is not working out but she is okay with moving on as she says that she stayed unhappy too long already in her life so it is time to move on.
My older friend says that she cannot forgive her H to the extent that she wants him in her life, she is enjoying herself and has not time to enter back into his drama . She says, I AM FREE.
Thanks for posting this. I appreciate it very much and it has given me a lot to think about. It's sad, but I'm also glad to know they were finally able to move on and be successful.
Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
WOW 5-8 years......i just met someone whose W is in year 7
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Thank you for posting these stories. I am coming up on three years of this insanity and it really helps to have confirmation that this stuff does end. Thanks again ST
At the bar the Judge will not look us over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. - Hugh B. Brown
Yes got me worried here too.............the part about them always wanting to come back doesn't seem to make it a good ending anymore ..........what is this about, what is this HORRID THING CALLED MLC !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
The bottom line is that the MLC person (IMHO) really is not in a position to make better decisions until they come all the way through their crisis as has been the contention of many folks here like Snodderly and M Go Blue.
Seems like they cook their own goose and the better we are at not adding any spice to the sauce helps them find their way out or better yet helps us "free ourselves".
Please note, that both of these husbands were "given away" by their mothers to their grandparents to be raised. One was given away before the age of 1, the other at just over 3. The "mothers" (their grandmothers) that raised them were enablers, both have hostility toward their real mothers that remains unresolved.
When I look at my friends, they are such amazing women. They do not try to influence my decision but they do use themselves as examples to me. Both have told me that I will know when the time is right to do whatever it is that I decide to do.
That is the scary part right now for me, WHAT DO I DO? I am too young to be in limbo for, forever. I am too old to be dating around like a teenager as I have young children's welfare to consider as well. So, what next? Been in this game a while ... have tried different strategies and not seeing any real visible signs that H will return. Still spews venom and everything is my fault.
So, the question still remains ... WHAT IS THIS MLC?
EverHopeful. I think your friends are right. Only you will know when the time is right to move on. I think it is a gradual letting go and one day you just cross over to the other side. It is okay once you get there. It is a different time frame for everyone just like mlc.
What is mlc is a good question. Who really knows. We can discuss and try to understand it but sometimes I am just more confused.
This is why it is more important that we get on with our lives and just keep moving forward. We cannot stay stuck like the mlcer. That way like your friends the decision will be ours whether we take them back or not.
