I had an affair and have told my husband. He wants to stay with me and continue working on the problems we have had that lead to my affair. The OM was a very close friend of mine and he has recently told his wife of the affair.
Let me give you some background info. The four of us 3 yrs ago used to be such close friends. That faded some and then when I began having marital problems the OM was there to comfort me and tell me everything I wanted to hear so he could have me. He said he wanted to be with me/not his wife. He talked about having children with me. (You don't know me but that for me was a huge thing to have someone say that to me. I have no children with my current husband of 9 yrs.) In the process I developed strong feelings for him and was devistated after he told me he didn't ever have feelings for me it was all just physical attraction for him.
Ok now back to present day. I'm writing here because my husband's brother is best friends (since college so aprox 6 yrs) with the OM. It has been EXTREMELY hard on me to have to continually hear about my brother and sister in law hanging out with the OM and his wife. MY SIL is ALWAYS bringing up the OM in every conversation. After I revealed my affair to my husband and we began patching things back together I talked to him about this issue with the OM always being brought up and my husband's brother's friendship with OM. My husband recently asked me to tell his brother and sister in law of the affair so they would understand why I have reacted so badly toward them everytime the OM is brought up. My husband asked that I tell them since he is still dealing with the pain and said it would hurt him more to have to be the one to tell them of my affair. I don't want to hurt my husband any more than I already hae so I told them last night. My husband said that after they heard the whole story that he would talk to his brother tomorrow (Sun) and find out what they decided in re: to his friendship with the OM. My husband has a good relationship with his little brother so I know this hurts him to do, but he told me that if his brother decides to remain friends with the OM that he is cutting his brother and sis in law out of his/our lives. I agree with his position. It's just too painful to be ok with their friendship remaining entact. We have had to walk into their house and see pics of OM on the walls and hear about him with every visit for a long time now. We just can't do it anymore.
My SIL has said that they will talk it over and make a decision, but she has assured me that no matter what they decide they won't bring up the OM in any conversations. Well, here's what we think about that. If we continued a relationship with his brother and his wife after they tell us they are remaining friends with OM... sure they won't bring him up. But (and this happened last night) OM will call them while we are with them. They will have to lie to us about where they are or who they are with when we talk to them or try to make plans to socialize with them. It's just a huge lie and we don't really see the point in trying to keep that relationship when we are still working on fixing our own.
I honestly deep down feel like my SIL will push his brother into remaining friends with the OM cause he's the "fun guy friend." My husband has told me that if his brother says they are still going to be friends with OM that he's not going to say anthing other than "Ok then we'll see you at Christmas." and hang up. I told them that he doens't want OM and his wife OR ANYONE THAT ASSOCIATES WITH OM AND HIS WIFE to be a part of our lives. I stressed that it feels like we can't move on cause we can never fully get away from OM. It just brings up unneccessary stress constantly.
On top of everything my SIL had an EA on my brother in law during the first year of their marriage. She of all people should know that you don't want the OM to be in any part of your life when you are trying to piece things back together. Yet she's the one who (before we spoke last night) said to me twice that she knew the OM really hurt me, but that the OM didn't do anything to them so they weren't going to not be friends with him cause he didn't hurt them. Her statements like this are really what pushed the decision to tell them of the affair and his many many lies to me at a time in my life when I was the most vulnerable, lonely, and insecure.
I think its great you are working things out with your husband. I am very thankful you got rid of OM he sounds like a predator and took advantage of you when you were down. I know it is not an excuse but some men are like that. They purposely look for vunerable women. No offense but your SIL sounds like she may have a little crush on OM herself. I wouldn;t want to be around a pig like him. Who knows how many affairs he has had on his own wife. Maybe be she thinks she has a shot now at him. I dont know something just does not sit right with me in regards to the SIL. I hope that your husband's brother sees the light.
I agree with your telling your husband...not sure about the in-laws...I think it would have sufficed it to say that there was a major falling out and you don't wish to have contact with him or hear about him at all....
On the other hand...I DON'T agree with cutting family off over thier interactions with this man...granted he is wrong to have done this...but he did tell his wife as you did tell your husband...yet, he isn't telling them that they shouldn't associate with you...yes, I know he told lies...but really an A is all based up on lies...yes he hurt you but perhaps somewhere in him he feels some hurt too...it would be hard to judge...and is this something he has done before...is he a cronic cheater??? Or were you his first...because that would play in to this too...if it was his first...then he made the same mistake you did...maybe for different reasons...but still a mistake (although being on the receiving end of a spouse having an A I think that "mistake" is putting it mildly)
I do think that you and your H can put this behind you....I also think that in time you can get over this man completely....if your in-laws are willing to not mention his name that should be enough....if he calls...well that is for you to deal with....if they are with him when you call...again, deal with it...I don't think this is something to break the family up over...this man and your BIL sound like life long friends....and it isn't right to give them that ultimatum because of your misrelationship (is that a word?) with this man....your SIL is correct in that he hasn't done anything to them...just as you didn't...so where is the difference???
I am not meaning to sound cold about this...I wouldn't personally feel comfortable with someone who cheated on their wife...but then I might not feel comfortable with someone who cheated on their husband either....I hope you can understand the other side of this and don't pull the card of cutting off the family....
Take your time...keep your distance as needed...but you only have one family!!!...somewhere down the road you H might resent you for "causing" him to loose his brother....see?...this could become a much bigger issue then it needs to be...
Thank you for your reply. Yes the OM is one of those fun, flirty, and very charming guys that you want to hang out with and be friends with. We are a lot alike that way. That was part of the reason why we kind of clicked and I considered giving a relationship with him a chance. I don't sleep around. I had only been with my husband before the OM so even for me to to develop strong feelings for someone else was a huge step for me to take. But when the person who's supposed to be your friend and the one who's "helping" you get thru a rough time starts telling you he's interested in you and paying you the attention he was paying me ... well I found it irrisitable. I'm ashamed that I was so weak. I never thought I would ever even think of another man in that way. When it felt like my marriage was really on shaky ground and every time I spoke to my husband it ended in a fight the OM was a total 180 from that. I should have ran for my life! But I was stupid and believed the lies he fed me. That's what is so twisted in my mind. How could I fall for someone who turned out to not even be the person I thought he was? And I'd known him for a few years by that point. I just felt so used by him. It still makes me angry. Angry at him. Angry at myself.
Bad part is that for a long time I tried to forgive him and move on. I couldn't. I kept getting sucked back into his web. He got to the point where he would only call me when his wife wasn't around. I told him I didn't want to be friends with him like that. That's still sooo shady. UGH! I just can't believe that this is where my life is. I feel like such a failure and a screw up!!!!
Sorry that was a long reply. I'm just so torn up over waiting to hear what my husband's brother and sis in law are going to decide. I didn't even sleep last night cause I couldn't stop thinking about the situation.
Well, the OM only told his wife because my husband was trying to call her to tell her about the affair himself. The OM just beat my husband to it. The OM didn't tell his wife cause he wanted to fix things with her by being honest. The OM knew ahead of time that I had already told my husband of the affair. I didn't want him to just call or show up and have my husband punch him in the face. I told the OM about it to avoid a huge confrontation. It was not necessary. He was upset that my husband knew, but he decided he still wasn't going to tell his wife. When he kept calling me is when he pissed off my husband and that's when my husband tried to call his wife to tell her about the affair.
"your SIL is correct in that he hasn't done anything to them...just as you didn't...so where is the difference???" .... "but you only have one family!!!"
That's where we dissagree. If the tables were turned and we were friends with my sis in law's OM she had an emotional affair with and we knew that our continued friendship would hurt them then my husband and I agreed that we would drop that friend. They are chosing that friend over their family. If family is so important than you stick together and support each other. By keeping the OM in the picture we felt that they would be showing who their loyalty was to and it sure as heck wasn't "family."
Not talking to his brother if he keeps OM's friendship was HUSBAND'S idea. Totally his decision.
So the OM only told his wife so he would not be "beat" to it? This makes him even more questionable IMHO.
He knew you told your husband but kept calling???
What exactly is his motive here? He wants to keep seeing you wreck your life but not let his wife know anything, I don;t know sounds like a man who cheats as a hobby.
Are you positive he has not made a move on SIL? He may even have more oppurtunity there since they spend so much time around each other.
This is exactly why affairs are so bad look at the all the mess they cause and problems. I would not cut off family members either especially when you husband and his brother are so close. Many people are not close tih their family at all. But this does need to be resolved or else hard feeling will get worse and family gatherings will become uncomfortable then everyone will know.
I understand that it was your husbands idea...totally his decision....but down the road he may not look at it that way...
For some people...college friendships are very tight...and just like when you are in the middle of fueding family members you don't cut one off because of problems with the other...you just don't talk about them or bring them up when you are visiting with the others...
I have been in this situation...my MIL wanted nothing to do with me....said some really ugly things to me when H left...now I had never been unfaithful...it was H who abandoned his family not me....yet, MIL was mad at me?...even when we got back together she was still mad at me....I never wanted to come between H and his mother so I let them both know it was okay....I would give messages to H from her, hand him the phone when she called, remind H that he should give her call and see how things were...I understand this is a bit different then your situation but like I said some college friends are considered "family" in the context of how close they are....
They haven't been privy to seeing the OM in the way you did....and your repeating things to them would be considered biased...
At this point I think it wise for you and H to focus on each other and fixing what was broke...you are very fortunate to have a H that is willing to work on forgiveness so easily with you...
I would also suggest to H that the deal between in-laws and OM should be ignored...that if they don't bring him up you can be okay with it...that you DON'T want to cause a division in the family because of what happened with OM...
In the future they may see OM differently...if he really is a scummy guy he will show his spots eventually....then they can make what decisions need to be made at that time...
I don't think you should make family "show loyalty"....unconditional love is what needs to be shown...something that you H is willing to show you...extend that to the family as well...
My husband has said that "the ball is in their (his brother's) court." We haven't been able to spend much time around my husband's brother and his wife over the last year due to my husband's new job. Husband works 6 days a week till late in the evening. Doesn't allow for much free time.
There's more to the story. When I lost my job last summer I went into a terrible depression. Not just because of losing my job, but my husband just started his new job working 6 days a week till late in the evenings and I didn't have anyone to talk to. My "family" who I had always felt close to pretty much abandoned me that summer. Anytime I heard from them it was them telling me about them going to the lake or hanging out with OM and his wife all summer long. THIS WAS BEFORE WHEN I WAS STILL TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE AND PUT THIS BEHIND ME... They said they never included me or invited me to do things with them cause my husband would be at work still and they didn't want me to feel weird being there alone. (Like I'm 12 yrs old and can't handle being around people that are supposed to be my friends without my husband????) It was insulting and hurt me a lot. Thus I got really depressed that summer as a result of everything combined with my lonelyness. I told them I wanted to hang out with them to help get my mind off my lack of a job and to have some human interaction. Finally them always telling me of what they did together started to just make me mad. I felt like they were flaunting it in my face. When I said something about it my SIL was like oh well we just didn't think you'd want to go. The whole thing was just terrible and it really made my husband mad at them for how they treated me.
Gawd I sound like I must be a horrible person to be around from that post. I assure you I'm not. Though that doesn't mean much when it comes from me does it? Oh well losing battle on that point.
Husband's lack of free time and the way they treated me that summer when he was always gone working and I was out of work and always alone was what started really putting a gap between my husband and his brother. It's weird. They are ok. They could talk or whatever, but their friendship is not like it used to be.
"He knew you told your husband but kept calling???
What exactly is his motive here? He wants to keep seeing you wreck your life but not let his wife know anything,..."
Thank you for seeing that!! He skates out of this situation smelling like a rose. They accept that his behavior is "just him." Meanwhile I told them of the affair to get him out of our lives and also because it would help me to explain my very emotional behavior over the summer re: dealing with the OM and their friendship with him. I was trying to be friends with him, but failing misserably. (Which was stupid of me to try to be friends with him after everything I know. I just wanted to forgive and forget. Then he'd flirt w/ me again right after he'd tell me something about his wife. He CONSTANTLY gave me mixed signals and messed with my head. Cause then he'd go back to "oh we've got to just be friends now, right?")
