Not sure what to do

[TommyT]

I haven't posted in a while, probably on the order of 6 months ago. Since then, our D was finalized (11/06) and I have attempted to GAL and move on. As I'm sure everyone on here can attest, it is the second hardest thing I have ever tried to do (M being the first). Before, I posted in the "Separated..." and "Newcomers" sections.

A basic recap though: married Dec 02, both age 23) (before my first deployment), things were fine (I thought) until I got back from my second deployment (July 05-Feb 06) and she said she wanted a D. XW gave me the ILYBNILWY speech after our first counseling session. The reasons she gave me at the time had to do more with her unhappiness at her personal situation before and during my second deployment than our actual R, I think. For example, before I left we stayed home most nights and did things around the house - she scrapbooked, I would watch TV. If we went out, it was just the two of us 99% of the time. She would go out with her friends to scrap a few times a month, but that was it. When I was gone, she became more social with friends from work and went out a lot with them. I think that she liked the single lifestyle and thought the only way she could get that was without me.

I also have some part of this story though. Right before I deployed my second time, I started to realize that we were growing apart and didn't want that. However, my only solution (since I didn't talk about this problem with anyone, including XW) was to have a kid (something that neither of us previously wanted). That really upset her, as she saw a child as ending her life as she knew it. I think the issue of kids, coupled with her newfound social life, pushed her to thinking that we couldn't stay married.

Since that dreaded day one year ago, a lot has happened between us. She moved out a month after we filed and never really contacted me. I would see her at the gym most days, or she would come over to the house to get some stuff, but that was it. No phone calls or emails unless it was directly related to something with the D. She would talk to me though if I contacted her first. However, I did some stuff that really scared her, and in early Aug 06 she finally decided that she didn't want to be married to me. She moved all of her stuff out of our house (she kept it there for us to use to sell the house, but then I decided not to sell) and finally put in a change of address form at the post office. She stopped taking my calls or responding to my emails.

Things have improved a bit since then, in that she will joke a bit if we are on the phone, but she only talks to me if it is regarding the house or taxes or something like that. I have told her that I just want to be friends, trying to start small with her, but she won't let me in at all. Last night she came over to sign some forms for our house. As she was leaving, I went out to her car to ask her a question and saw some plans on her passenger seat for a kitchen island, plus a tape measure. She had said something last week about the mortgage being in her name still (she found out through running a credit check), so I jokingly asked her if she was buying a house. Her voice dropped flat and she simply answered "No." I told her that she didn't have to tell me anything about her personal life, but I saw the plans and know that she was renting an apartment and I can put two and two together.

Anyway, I guess the point of this rambling post is that I want, and always have wanted, to be a husband to her. Maybe I haven't fully GAL (hard to b/c I work 80 hrs a week). My question is how can I start a relationship with her again, even one just talking, if she won't let me in? I realize I scared her last summer, and I have apologized profusely and repeatedly. I have also not talked to her, at her request. In the few times we have been talking the past week or so, I have seen some small positive signs (a few laughs on the phone, her avoiding making eye contact with me last night) and am taking them for what they're worth.

Can anyone help me with my sitch? I'm racking my brain trying to find out ways to just talk to her and make her comfortable enough to talk to me in return.

[Just_Me]

My question is how can I start a relationship with her again, even one just talking, if she won't let me in?

First of all, you'll get more replies to this in newcomers.

Second of all, in answer to the above question, you can't. She doesn't want a relationship with you and you calling her is, "not getting the point". Maybe it would be easier if you envisioned her grimacing in disgust when she sees it's your number or makes a joke about you with her friends when you hang up. I've seen it. You are divorced. Any attempt to form any kind of relationship right now, when she doesn't want one, is completely transparent and a major turnoff.

What should you do then? Start working on making yourself happy and complete without her. Get comfortable in your own skin. Do things you enjoy. Take up new or old hobbies. Enjoy your life. And eventually, when you are ready, invite women back into your life. And don't bother with her for now. Put her on the backburner. The decision to ever try again is entirely hers at this point and to put your life on hold, waiting for that decision, or worse yet, trying to get her to make a decision, is wasting your life away. The goal is to be happy either way. Hey, she isn't all that (and a bag of chips)...she essentially ran off on you when you were at a difficult point in your life. She had no real sense of committment and probably is a cheater besides. Get happy with your own life and if she does take an interest, you can decide then whether she actually has anything to add to what, by then, will be an excellent life. You might surprise yourself by answering that she doesn't have much to offer (except something you can't have).

Me

[OldFool]

I'd have to agree with much of what Just_Me said. As for the Newcomers section, it's certainly fine, but I'd disagree that you won't get good responses elsewhere. More specific forums such as this one don't have the flurry of activity, but in general, the folks you'll find (IMHO) have more experience.

However, my only solution (since I didn't talk about this problem with anyone, including XW) was to have a kid (something that neither of us previously wanted). That really upset her, as she saw a child as ending her life as she knew it.

Dang...not a great move. I'm hoping you now realize that children never solve the problems in a M (why is it so many people think that?!?) You didn't have one, did you?

As she was leaving, I went out to her car to ask her a question and saw some plans on her passenger seat for a kitchen island, plus a tape measure. She had said something last week about the mortgage being in her name still (she found out through running a credit check), so I jokingly asked her if she was buying a house.

OK. Well we all know this wasn't a "joke" or even funny for that matter. You wanted to know what she was doing and just couldn't let it ride so, knowing full well that a direct question would most likely elicit a "none of your &#@*$ business", you asked "jokingly". Can you spell t-r-a-n-s-p-a-r-e-n-t? We see it...so did she. This is just one case and that's not enough to do any damage, but if it is part of a pattern of behavior on your part (and I'd guess it is), then it's an issue and has likely continued to push her away from you.

My question is how can I start a relationship with her again, even one just talking, if she won't let me in?

As Just_Me said so succinctly, you can't. So stop trying. Let her go for now. There is absolutely nothing you can do (yes, I know that is frustrating) and attempts to engage her or find out what she's doing appear to be met with less than impressive results. So as Michele says, stop going down those cheeseless tunnels.

I realize I scared her last summer, and I have apologized profusely and repeatedly.

I'm not sure what this is all about, but I'd guess it's not too good. If you've apologized once (sincerely), let it go and don't apologize again. Apologies are fine, but they're just words and that only works for minor infractions. Big issues need action (or, sometimes, inaction).

I'm racking my brain trying to find out ways to just talk to her....

Well, stop. She's an adult. When she's ready to talk to you, she will. Until then, cooking up "ways to just talk to her" will be counter-productive.