Ok. My First Thread in Many Moons

[NOPkins]

Hi, LFL.

I don't think the comments on Chrome's thread have helped you at all. It seems to me that they've done nothing more than leave you even less satisfied.

Your lack of remorse over your inappropriate behavior with Chrome concerns me, and you are right, entitlement it is. What bothers me the most, is why an intelligent woman like yourself can't see the bent road you are making for yourself.

Let me give you a clue. Your choices are not your husband's fault.

It sucks that he left you. I understand that you are pissed off. So why don't you give the man a chance to comfort you about it? "Hubby, I find myself stuck in an endless loop where the thoughts of your having left me, infuriate me. I need your help"

I understand the pain, LFL, but you are looking in the wrong direction for a fix. Sitting back and stewing and brewing a nice comfortable pot of resentment is going to lead to a bad situation, and you know it.

So I will tell you two other things that will probably make you mad, but I know that it is within you to handle this situation.

1) You should have experienced guilt and remorse over the EA (or whatever you want to call it, as long as you acknowledge it was wrong).

2) You should be pressing into your husband for comfort in the areas where he directly hurt you. He should be the one telling you he is sorry and showing his remorse for his actions and trying to comfort you with reassurances that it won't happen again.

Dump the resentment and go get what you need from your husband.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[LustForLife]

Thanks DIY and NOP.

Nop,
I agree with everything you have written. I can read those words and say yep, that is the right thing to do. I am a fairly intelligent woman who also happens to be quite stupid when it comes to following my emotions. I've already stated several times without anyone having to point out the obvious, that my lack of integrity, morals, and guilt are all contributing much more so to this situation than my "smarts." Giving advice and taking advice are way too divided in my little world. I know what the answers are, I just don't want to face them.

I don't think the comments on Chrome's thread have helped you at all. It seems to me that they've done nothing more than leave you even less satisfied.

Yes and no to this point. It does help me process my own, ongoing struggle with reaching out to ANYONE, not just what happened with Chrome. That is old news. But my continued desire to have an emotional connection with SOMEONE is the ongoing issue. It's not about Chrome. If it wasn't him it would be someone else.

Your choices are not your husband's fault

I know that. I am FULLY aware of the potential consequences of my behavior and that my H has been nothing but remorseful for his actions since we have reconciled. I would never blame him for what I am going through AT THIS TIME.
With that said, I feel as though it is a much deeper issue than his leaving. The underlying problem was there from day one. Our continued sexual/intimacy struggles are no where near "fixed" even with all of the progress we have made in other areas of our M since reconciliation.
So removing all the past mistakes, on my part and his part, I am left with the basic discrepancy that we have oppposite sex drives and opposite ideas of what constitutes a fulfilling sexual R within a M.
Strangely, I am very unemotional about approaching this topic anymore with him. I can only change myself and my expectations for the M. I have no control over his level of desire. And boy have I tried! Even when we are at our BEST, our sex life is just not anywhere near what I consider fulfilling.

You should be pressing into your husband for comfort in the areas where he directly hurt you. He should be the one telling you he is sorry and showing his remorse for his actions and trying to comfort you with reassurances that it won't happen again.

I just don't know how to make this anymore clear to all of you. He is sorry, he comforts me, we have a wonderful M in so many ways. I've said many times we are best friends. We are not lovers. That is as simplistic as I can make it. And it has NOTHING to do with loving each other more, comforting each other more, communicating with each other any more. To make is even more simple, he just doesn't want sex that much and his efforts to initiate about once a month are underwhelming to me. I WANT a H that wants to have sex because he likes it, needs it, wants it. That is not the case. I feel he is doing it with more gusto (if not more frequency) because this has been part of our reconciliation process. But already I see him slipping into old patterns (myself included) and I just don't know how much more effort I have to give.
LFL

[alpha123]

I WANT a H that wants to have sex because he likes it, needs it, wants it.

I think I wrote exactly the same thing in one of my posts. The difference between my H and yours though is that at least yours is willing to try, mine just says I can like it or lump it.
I am currently lumping it in my own place and it is an incredibly lonely place to be. There was a lot more problems than the sex, in the end it got ridiculous, but it might have been because of the sex!
I keep thinking I miss him and I want to go back so I should just do it. But then I think it through and know that I don't want to be treated the way I was.
I hope you can become content, leaving isn't easier than staying.

[LustForLife]

I hope you can become content, leaving isn't easier than staying.

Thanks for that. I know that is true because I've lived it already (when H left).
And the more I think about it all, the more I think I am full of sh!t about not having a guilty conscience about all of this stuff. If I didn't have a conscience, I'd just be off doing whatever the heck I want to do and not on this board trying to figure myself out. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon and I'm a fighter. I've been with H a long time dealing with all of this crap so I can suck it up some more. It's just nice to vent sometimes. And you are right, I'm lucky H is at least willing to try. Still need to process all this. My mind is constantly going back and forth on the issue. But that's ok. That's the way it is.
LFL

[MJontheMend]

I'm not sure how this will be helpful to you, LFL, but the thing that confuses me about your sich vs. my sich is that I am happier no longer being married. I know I've been venting a lot of anxiety on the BB lately but it's just anxiety not unhappiness. So what I'm thinking is that the reason that you were unhappy when you and your H were split even though you were getting hot sex with Alpha guy and the reason why you had the EA with Chrome are the same reason or symptoms of the same problem, if that makes sense. I think that it's possible that you subconsciously "punished" yourself for being HD and abandoned by your H for expressing your HD by choosing a sexual partner with whom you had no urge to pair bond while you were split from your H. I think that maybe you believe that there really aren't men who like sex and visiting wineries or reading books etc. Actually, I really don't think that you believe that but you use that line of thinking as a sort of refuge. My point here isn't that you should leave and find one of these guys but that maybe somehow subconsciously you are imposing the opposite POV on your H. He can't be a wolf because although you want a wolf, you want a puppy dog a bit more and you believe that a man can't be a wolf AND a puppy dog. Of course, I might be full of cr*p.

[LustForLife]

the thing that confuses me about your sich vs. my sich is that I am happier no longer being married.

Probably because you made that final decision, not your H. It was reversed in my case. I just happened to make the best of the situation dealt to me.

I know I've been venting a lot of anxiety on the BB lately but it's just anxiety not unhappiness. So what I'm thinking is that the reason that you were unhappy when you and your H were split even though you were getting hot sex with Alpha guy and the reason why you had the EA with Chrome are the same reason or symptoms of the same problem, if that makes sense. I think that it's possible that you subconsciously "punished" yourself for being HD and abandoned by your H for expressing your HD by choosing a sexual partner with whom you had no urge to pair bond while you were split from your H.

Interesting theory. Not sure how accurate it is but I always enjoy reading your perspective.

I think that maybe you believe that there really aren't men who like sex and visiting wineries or reading books etc. Actually, I really don't think that you believe that but you use that line of thinking as a sort of refuge.

Well, more like the problem is I KNOW there are men out there like that but I try to minimize the possibility of ever running across one again. The only other man I truly loved other than my H was my college boyfriend. He was extremely sexual and HD and he was also an American Literature major who played in a band that toured the US. We had a very passionate and rocky R. I think I was conditioned by that R to desire certain aspects of a SL and also was encouraged to express my HD self. That is not the case in my M and that is the part that annoys me. Some men "bring out" the HD woman in me very easily and I find that the most attractive. But I knew from the start that was not H and I chose him anyways. Hmmm...

My point here isn't that you should leave and find one of these guys but that maybe somehow subconsciously you are imposing the opposite POV on your H. He can't be a wolf because although you want a wolf, you want a puppy dog a bit more and you believe that a man can't be a wolf AND a puppy dog. Of course, I might be full of cr*p.

Well, this is where the theory falls apart. I don't think I wanted the puppy dog more than the wolf (even though like I said I did choose my H to marry fully aware of the dynamic), I think I believed that the wolf would always come back to bite me (and not in a good way, lol). The wolf hurts, the puppy dog soothes. Well, that whole theory went to sh!t when the puppy dog ended up leaving anyways.
Back to square one.

[LustForLife]

I'm in an upswing right now in the M. Things are good. I'm content.
No sex really. But I'm ok. We are getting along very well, feeling pretty close, sharing more, making plans for the future, etc.
Life is busy. Less time to post. Can barely read anymore, but that is partly choice as well. The boards can be addictive so I'm forcing myself to limit/control my behavior.
I hope everyone is well.
Bye Mojo, I'm going to miss your stories.
Happy Mama's Day to all, especially Karen and the new baby.
Sorry to everyone else struggling along.

LFL

[LustForLife]

What a surreal day.
Had a nice day out with my family for mother's day.
Feeling good. Ok, at least.
Why do I constantly have to be tested?
Why?
Come home. Open my email.
There is an email from Mr Alpha Male himself, OM I dated while separated.
Haven't talked to him in..what...well over a year.
Just wanted to tell me the reserves called him up.
He's going to Iraq for a year.

I can't believe he even still thinks of me. It's bringing up all sorts of weird emotions that I don't know what to do with right now so I'm journaling here instead of writing back something I shouldn't.
Part of me thinks, God forbid, what if he is killed and I just ignore him. Another part of me thinks, don't start an email exchange with him you fool! Have I not learned anything?
I'm thinking I may just say "Be Well" or something but make it clear we shouldn't stay in contact. He didn't ask me anything about my H or M, just "hope you are well."
Ugh. Ok, need to get off the computer for a while.
LFL

[NOPkins]

Hi, LFL.

I think that you already know that you should just delete the email and continue on with your day. His life outcome, regardless of what that is, is not your responsibility. If you make it yours, then you do so at the expense of your family.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[Lillieperl]

Delete the email. You can always pray for his safety. That will do both of you more good than replying.