Hello! Thank you. I have been trying to stay positive and change my attitude. I really am a pretty happy person in general and I dont like sounding negative!
Anyway, I have been doing a lot of things with my kids and feeling good about my new attitude. I know he notices and he seems happy about it too. Things were really good for about a week. Its been over a week now that we have acted like total roommates again. I am sure when I act needy that its not very attractive so I am not but when I am happy and not talking/asking for anything, then it seems like he thinks everything is so good that he doesnt have to do anything. I dont want to have to ask for his affection everytime... There is alot going on and we havnt had much time together. A couple of days ago I tried to tell him in a DIFFERENT way. Instead of saying, I need or I want... I just said, it would be really great for me if we could spend a little time together and snuggle or watch tv on the couch, its been a few days. Nothing... my tank is on empty! I dont know what to say or do. I feel like a nag if I say anything. I told him long ago that I am easy, a hug or anything here or there, some kind of affection and I am good to go. How hard is that?
I am willing to make time and he knows that. Its like he only does something when its convenient for him or he has nothing else to do. The time is right when you make it right!! Right?
I start over thinking things... he is good to me so I shouldnt be feeling this way, there could be worse things but my language is touch so why do I feel bad for wanting that? I would do anything for him!
Do you know what somber means? Sober in mood is my favorite definition.
I think that you should continue to contain the grabby/needy behavior and add a new twist to your mood - somber.
You continue to be kind, considerate, a good mother, all the normal stuff, but let your interactions with him take on a quiet, serious tone.
When he finally asks you about the change, have a ready answer for him. Don't accuse, but tell him how you feel that you are being dismissed in the relationship. Talk to him about the things you do to try and meet his needs, then ask him how you are doing at meeting his needs. Ask him to be specific.
Then it's time for you to outright ask him if he has any intentions of starting to meet your needs, and what his actions would consist of. If he is willing to discuss this with you, then help him with a practical plan to meet your needs. "Be more affectionate" won't work. "Hug me and kiss me every morning before work, and cuddle with me for a little while on the couch every evening. Initiate sex with me at least x number of times per week". The idea with a man is to be specific. This is very important.
Also, if he puts you off on the discussion, ask him for a day and time that he will be willing to sit down and discuss some issues with you.
Let me know what you think.
All the best, -NOPkins-
Last edited by NOPkins; 03/22/0707:20 PM.
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I will work on being somber. I think it will take him a long time because even when he notices, he will not ask. He used to say... if one of us thinks there is a problem, whether the other one agrees or not, there is a problem and we have to talk about it. That was "in the beginning". He always seemed to "get it", that was one thing that really attracted me to him. He knew what to say and what to do all the time.
I really do not understand why he doesnt want to talk about it. Like I have said, I am never mean or degrating... on the contrary, I seem to sugar coat things but at least I put myself out there and try to communicate and tell him what I want. Everything I have told you, I have told him... Now I am really uncomfortable bringing anything up because of the letter I told you about where I "let him off the hook." It was something different, thought it would give us a clean slate to start fresh. It worked for a short time.
I will do this, might be awhile for something to happen but it is different and I will keep going until something works!!
Since he is not "listenting", the challenge is to get his attention and to do it in such a way that he is not driven away from the relationship, rather toward it.
Please keep me posted about anything he says or does out of the ordinary. I want to get an idea of who he is so that I can help you get his attention in a way that will inspire some lasting changes.
Hang in there.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
We have had another "talk" and I explain things and communicate well. As always, he understands and vowes to try. I think I need to learn how to cope and accept more than I need to make it better. I have tried everything I can think of to make it better but I know I cannot do it alone. I have to somehow find a way to accept that things have changed and this is really who he is and be able to get on with life and find things that make me happy like my kids and such. I cannot keep thinking and worrying and being rejected like this, I feel very unhealthy. Is there anything/book you can suggest for looking at things in this way? I dont want to walk away but I need a change in the worst way!!!! As always, thank you for your time!!!
I would question the soundness of the idea that you just need to get used to the rejection.
There are some other tactics you can take with hubby, but I wouldn't recommend that you just live with the rejection. That is self damaging.
How close to walking away are you?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I am not close. I get frustrated and when I am down, I think to myself, if I have to live this way, I should have just stayed in my first marriage. But my H and I really do get along and have fun sometimes. I do love him very much. I told him that I am feeling very lonely! I know he wants things to be better too, says he is just lazy. I sometimes think that maybe something will shake him. Not sure what it is. I am not close to giving up but there are days that I feel like it because I have already been down this road and hate that I am going down it again. I know the euphoria is gone, I am truly ok with that, but we are not 85 years old and we are still breathing!! I can live with the plateaus and the downs as long as there are some highs once in awhile!!
That is why I feel like I should start thinking about myself. Ways to make me happy/healthy in all of this. I know that could lead to giving up but what do I do? I will keep trying any ideas... that is all I can do.
