I have been posting on newcomers and they recommended I post here. I need to know how to handle financial issues now that my H has moved out.
I want to protect the kids and myself and not lose our house and savings. How do you balance between saving your assets and not provoking them into filing for a divorce? I want to save my marriage of 20 years but I want to make sure my children do not lose their home.
My H has been lying about money he has been spending on Second Life. So far the amount is not too great and he says that he is done spending money now that he has his "business" set up on it. But he could be lying about it and will just find a sneakier way of hiding his spending.
Also, how do you handle the cake eating? If he can see the kids and stop over any time he wants, what will ever convince him that he made a mistake? He has the best of his old first life and now can play Second Life an his new bachelor life anytime he wants. What limits do you set up?
Please read my other posts and give me some advice. I don't know what to do. Thanks so much! My Story
Last edited by HalfMissing; 03/06/0705:22 PM.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
The only way I know of is to obtain a legal separation and all of the financial issues will be listed in the court docs.
I called a few lawyers about a year ago, and in order to do this, each wanted $5,000 upfront, and then it was $250/hour!!
All we have is the house, our cars, and the kids!
Go figure.
It is a difficult decision.
Is your home in both of your names? Is it a community property state? He cannot do anything (if it is) without your written authorization and vice versa.
The other thing is to have someone buy out his portion of the house and of course, you and the kids would be able to stay in the house.
It's a mess, I know.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
You could apply for legal aid...most places have that and they are real lawyers but you have to be pretty broke to qualify and it would be considered a semi-emergency as it involves your finances.
You can also go to a lawyer for a free consulation.
I think a legal separation is really your only recourse...you both woul dhave to disclose financial information and make him legally responsible for certain payments.
Get your own checking account and deposit you paychecks into it instead of a joint account. Change accesses to all your accounts and credit cards. Take your name off of joint cards or remove his name.
I was told that regardless if one or both names are on a card, we are still equally responsible for the debt.
Of course, if she files for the separation, she will not be responsible as of the date of the filing, right?
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Until you decide re:filing Sep ... you can and shoul consider individual checking and credit "so you don't have to see how much he spent on your roses" and he doesn't have to worry about what you are spending on food.
Make arrangements for him to deposit a set amount into your separate household checking each month. If you don't already have a detailed running budget plan begin making one. Pull as many historical records as you can.
Utility bills charges for groceries medical insurance etc
Build a detailed budget. You need this to support financials in a Sep or other.
If he will adhere to your financial needs you will have funds for living. If he does not go buy two Porsches, you won't owe for half of each. That is the trick. Do you trust him to live solely on the monthly amount you two agree to for his checking?
The Sep is to provide that kind of protection. Expensive but worth it if you believe the risk is great enough. As you pointed out, the risk is also that it may anger him into filing his own action. How reasonable do you believe him to be?
Cake eating is handled many ways. Dobson folks say tough love. Others say be friends and do what friends might do so one day it is easier for him to decide to come home to his friend. I say with a MLCer it is often impossible to do so for long. As a friend you are likely to find out more details of his life than you will want to know. How strong do you believe yourself to be?
I was able to have the utility bills put in my name or change the way our names are listed.
Instead of the bill saying john doe jane doe
it now reads jane doe or john doe
Fortunately, my H already told me which bills he is paying and if I haven't given the bills to him by a certain time, he asks for them.
I can always monitor payments by visiting the websites and/or setting it up where they send you an email saying payment has been received.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I don't want to file for a legal separation. Maybe it is just too soon and I am in denial. (He moved out yesterday.) I have to think this is a temporary situation right now. I want my H back!
The only reason I can think of for filing for a legal separation right now is if he started spending all the money recklessly and accumulated debt that I would be liable for. Then the house would be in jeopardy. So far he is acting rationally. He honestly thinks that with our savings, this money is no big deal. He told my D not to worry about money, that nothing would change after I made a comment to her that we would have to cut back some. He is clueless as to the cost of his actions but seems in control right now. He is being frugal on what he is buying for his apartment.
I have to balance my financial fears with seeming to accelerate things. I get so mad thinking how many years I clipped coupons and pinched pennies so that we would be so secure and then this happens.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
I did not want to file either and I didn't but what I did do was withdraw money from our account so that I could have it. He was mad but I reminded him that we have kids.
If you can, do this. Even if you have to take a cash advance from another source, you need to have some backup cash.
My pastor told me a year ago that 95% of those who filed for a legal sep. ended up getting divorced. I did not know that.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
One thing you need to accept. Living under the same roof with a MLC alien is nightmarish and will suck the life out the best DBer.
Some do it. Other crumble under the weight of it. Does their living away increase the chance they will not return?
Absolutely not.
We have seen nothing to support that. In fact, it is often hard for them to return when they haven't left. You have a great deal to learn about mlc and need to begin your homework. 'If' he is MLC ... then this is about a great many life issues that have secretly weighed on him since childhood or early adulthood. These are so suppressed he didn't know, or couldn't face.
He is having to have his place to live out his lost youth. He like so many will learn in time that he does not belong there anymore. Only by trying to recapture his past and relive his youth can he return to the present. Think of him as a teenager having to go back and relive his terrible twos.
That is what MLC is. Who in their right mind would want a terrible two year old in a grown body running around in the house or in/out at all hours ... spending on toys only to discard them ... making all new friends only to be used by them ... and all the while blaming you for their dirty diaper?
Some have helped their MLCer move, decorate, arranged weekly dinners or movies ... ok, rare as a three legged horse winning a race; it could happen.
... then this is about a great many life issues that have secretly weighed on him since childhood or early adulthood. These are so suppressed he didn't know, or couldn't face.
Do you think this is true of all MLCer's? My W had a pretty decent childhood, but there were a lot of financial issues with her parents and she was the middle child stuck between a popular older sister and the baby boy. Nothing really damaging, but there was a lot of rebellion in the teenage years from what her family tells me.
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
