"Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?"
Well duh, happy. But to what extent do we give up being "right" to retain the happiness?
I've been struggling with this last night and this morning. If I see a brown dog and say "Gee honey, that sure looks like a brown dog to me." and then hubby says "No, it's a black dog. End of discussion."...do I just nod to keep the peace and continue on with my ear to ear goofy grin knowing all along, even with my only high school education, that THAT was, beyond any doubt, a brown dog?
At what point do we call it like it is, if ever? Or do we (being the left behinders) contanstly struggle with never rocking the boat for fear of throwing our spouses overboard, never to be seen from again?
I understand what you are struggling with. First off, the analogy of the brown dog is easy. Who cares if it's a black or brown dog? In that situation, it's easy to decide to be happy instead of right. But other times it's harder to decide. What if it's about where you move, your career or your kids? It's not so much about being right, as having your needs met.
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At what point do we call it like it is, if ever? Or do we (being the left behinders) contanstly struggle with never rocking the boat for fear of throwing our spouses overboard
I remember feeling this very same way when I first started rebuilding with my WAS. Did I have to be a rug under his feet, keeping my mouth shut tight like a good little wife for the rest of our M? The answer is NO. The question is how long do we subordinate our needs for our WAS. You do at first when you start back up with the WAS. You have to build up a new history of as much comfort, pleasure, agreement as possible.
At a certain point you are going to have to introduce your own needs. I might decide to call the brown dog black for the rest of my life. But I do have something to say about the big stuff that impacts my quality of life. When does this certain point occur? For me, it occurred two years after H and I had been separated. I was finally ready to move on without H, if that needed to happen. So I realized, there was no reason not to tell him what my needs were, even if they clashed with his ideas. Of course, the key is to do it in a gently, respectful way..."I understand your point about...I appreciate that you...We both need to be happy and I'm going to need XYZ."
If your H can not meet your needs, (and make sure you pick just one or two things at a time that are MOST important), then your M will never work anyway. So what's the point in not communicating them to your H? But you have to wait to do this until you are sure what your needs are and you have regained the confidence to know that you will be just fine on your own, should your H not be able to meet your needs. And also, keep in mind that if your H is like mine, he will not emphatically agree with your needs at first. You have to first meet his needs and give it some time to sink in. The hope is that after you have done that, the WAS will be much more generous toward you and be willing to meet your needs.
I guess for the most part, I would rather be happy, than right. Inside I know I am right, but he will have the pleasure of believing he was right, too. But in some cases, I think being right is not just a decision, it is a matter of principle. Such as matters of religion. My H questions the Bible, which we should do, anyway, otherwise how do you learn anything? But he said something once or twice about going to another church with different beliefs than ours. I and our S both spoke up and said we wouldn't leave our church. To me, if I were to do that, it would be like denying my faith for the sake of being happy instead of being right, and in the end I wouldn't be happy anyway.
So, I say decide to be happy rather than right in the small stuff, and in things that are too important or are a matter of principle, being right is right. L
Absolutely, Just_Me, I mean leave your towels on the floor, leave the toilet seat up, all those stupid little things mean nothing, but to compromise your morals or principles, that is just not going to make anybody happy.
