I have a very embarrassing problem and I'm really hoping someone can help. I'm very afraid that I will be judged as a total jerk and if that shoe fits, I guess I have to wear it.
My W of and I had been in a 10-year SSM and I was getting more and more disconnected. Then, about 4 years ago, while out of town, I met some people who invited me to their hotel for a party which turned out to be somewhat of a swinger thing. With excessive amounts of alcohol and feeling (incorrectly) a bit resentful and entitled, along with the fact that this type of activity isn't (in my convoluted mind) very meaningful, I decided to participate.
The next day, along with feeling hung-over, I felt guilty, lost and a bit ashamed but also nostalgic about our early days when we had a good SL. So over the next couple of days, my shame, guilt and remorse turned into an energetic commitment to fix the marriage and get back to a point where I enjoyed being married and could have even an inkling of sex-life we once had.
I read SSM and booked some time with a C. The C suggested that I don't tell my W about the incident...that I need to live with my guilt. My W eventually joined us and we made great progress together and even started getting our SL back. We did ML on a schedule for the first year and it felt like we were on the right track. I started to feel like the schedule was a bit "forced" and I decided not to push it anymore. The frequency dropped as my W's sexual initiation didn't really improve much. It wasn't a total wash because our communication opened up and I had a more compassionate understanding of her and she become much more respectful of me.
I still have moments where I feel bummed that she doesn't initiate more. It really is magical when she does and it really boosts my feelings for her.
Now for the kicker...and kids...pay attention to this.
A couple months after my infidelity, I had a small bump appear in the vicinity of my private parts...the exposed area just above where the condom was. I didn't think anything of it and my dermatologist froze it off and said it didn't look like an std.
4 years later, after going through some stressful life changes, another tiny bump reappeared in the same area. I went to a dermatologist who excised a bit for testing, and electrocuted the rest of it off. What happened next was a bombshell. The dermatologist called my house and told the test results to my W...it was hpv. My W had never heard of it but googled it and completely (understandably) flipped out.
Out of denial, I didn't want to believe it was from my infidelity but rather something I had been carrying around prior to meeting my W or divine intervention (which I'm still not ruling out ;-) ). But mostly, I didn't want to confess to the incident from 4 years back. After more prodding from her about it, I finally confessed. She took a cool head and asked me to get more details from the Dr. and ensure that it wasn't the type that causes cervical cancer. The Dr. said it was a type which is 1. no the cancer-causing type. 2. harder to spread 3. even harder to spread as long as I have no physical traces of it. 4. would require a combination of me having signs of it and my W having a low immune system to spread it to her. 5. That being a squamous cell, it didn't necessarily come as an STD. My W was comforted by these results and even joked with me that I confessed for no reason.
Despite the fact that it was physically minimized and my W's "seemingly" good reaction, she W needed some time to come to grips with my infidelity but according to her, my not telling her was more of a blow. She would say "I'm hurt that you felt you had to lie...I can handle anything and we can work though anything as long as we both want to stay with each other".
Having apologized profusely and explained how it was the precursor to all the R work, books read, time and money spent on C, etc. She was surprisingly decent about it. The things I read and learned from the C really helped a lot during this time. I let her be upset with me. I never got defensive. I never tried to blame anyone except myself nor justify it. Her anger eventually subsided (as much as it could in this situation) and we were back to our routine and even ML a few times.
Now the next bombshell - she got a bump last Oct. in the exact place that coincides with my spot. Ugh, She started treating it and we haven't been together since. Nightmare.
Then I got another spot which my new Dr. treated. She gave us a strategy to fight this by getting monthly inspections and treatments for up to the next 3 years. At the sign of any problem, my W uses a cream, and I have mine frozen off. The Dr. also gave me an alpha-interferon gel to rub on the area. I might go over to hpvforums to discuss this but I'd be interested if anyone knows about treating this.
Back to the R issues. This has been a huge blow to my W and I feel nauseatingly bad about this. She's now having to work extra hard to cope with this. She had never had a yeast infection in her life and the prescription cream she used caused her to have her first one. Rightly so, she's not happy with me but she is actively trying to get over it. She's a saint and doesn't deserve this. It just totally sucks.
I'm struggling with a range of conflicting emotions. On one hand, I feel like we now have a valid reason for not ML and this takes the pressure off of me. I'm not sure why I feel this is a good thing...it contradicts everything I want. I need help exploring this one.
I also feel like I'm damaged goods and would never be able to ML with my W (or anyone again).
I'm feeling like this situation is making her more candid and communicative with me. She used to be very private..locks the bathroom door and "spares me" from her female issues. Since this, she has twice asked me to pick up feminine hygiene products at the store.
I'm also feeling like this is a bit of crucible moment and she's questioning her needs for security and/or her faith that the world is all rainbows and happiness. This might harden her some. It might make her detach. Who knows. I have no control over her growth nor do I want it. But there's a part of me that would like to see her assert herself as independent. For a brief moment between the time she asserts her independence and the time she leaves me, I think I would be incredibly attracted to her. I rally don't think it will get to that point but it makes me wonder how I can have those feelings. This reminds me of Schnarch's Passionate Marriage book where he talks about siamese twins.
In the past few weeks I've started to think I might be accepting this situation and won't really care if ML causes another spot to appear on me because we're on such a diligent treatment schedule that if a spot appears it will just be an inconvenient part of life similar to getting a haircut. Maybe my W will reach that point too and we can have a normal life again.
Sadly, I doubt I will be able to find someone here to relate to their experience...it's a very embarrassing issue. But I guess I'm just looking for hope that we can overcome this despite the pre-existing SSM issues. It's like we finally had a bit of kindling starting to burn but was extinguished. Should I give up my desire to have a sexually decent marriage and just be happy to be with someone who kind and compassionate? I'm spinning.
Pete, this is pretty overwhelming to read about... I can't imagine what it must be like to be living it.
Many of us (well, anyway *I*) have done really embarrassing things, especially in the sexual department, and I commend you for being brave enough to toss your sitch out on this board.
I don't have any advice at the moment, just wanted to welcome you and acknowledge your post. This is indeed a crucible time.
A bitter lesson here... (Thank God it wasn't HIV.)
Now the next bombshell - she got a bump last Oct. I was thinking more along the lines of she discovered a bump as in, it was developing for a long time and asked yourself, why wouldn't both people have it. When you first discovered yours, I would have assumed the HPV was already transmitted to your W. 4 years later, after going through some stressful life changes, Yes stress brings out dormant diseases.
I'm struggling with a range of conflicting emotions. On one hand, I feel like we now have a valid reason for not ML and this takes the pressure off of me. I'm not sure why I feel this is a good thing...it contradicts everything I want. I need help exploring this one. Maybe because of all the guilt and conflict that different forms of sexual activities have caused, you have a variety of frustration, anxiety, and guilty feelings, knowing how your W feels or has felt about sex. I think some of the old baggage is really to get past and can cause problems for a long time, even resurface after being dormant for some time.
Good sex causes feelings, and on the other end, even bad sex influences how you react to intimate feelings and/or interactions.
Since this, she has twice asked me to pick up feminine hygiene products at the store. Well she is changing. It can be a good sign. Something to show she depends on you and isn’t reluctant to have you help her with her needs.
I did this for my sister was I was 12, red faced but I did it. I do it for my W, wondering what others think but why be concerned what someone else thinks. Do it because it needs to be done.
My W was working as a nurse a few wears ago. She had a needle stick so had to be placed on blood transfer disease watch. In simple terms, we had to use condoms for 6 months, till all her blood work came back negative. Here I am at Wal-Mart, a 60 year old male with a female by my side about the same age, buying “rubbers’ and going through the check out line.
What did people think? Maybe I picked up a older hooker, a AFF date, was fooling around with my FWB (friend with benefits)????? It needed to be done, so “I” did it.
Y’all have a good laugh. It felt a little like I was in the kid in the drug store in the movie “The “Summer of ‘42” I took then home and didn’t fill them with water BTW.
Sadly, I doubt I will be able to find someone here to relate to their experience.. I can relate to the sexual disconnects between you and your W. It happened to many of the posters.
About the HPV, I don’t have any experience in that area. I did see a TV program directed to females about STD, rates of transmission from females to males and from males to females. The transmission rate is not always equal and the cure methods/rates are not equal.
The final advice which made sense was wash before and after and the woman should use a female condom http://www.avert.org/femcond.htm They were more effective reducing moist tissue STD's. I would ask your medical provider about re-infecting each other and ways to lessen that chance.
If you play outside of your marriage these days, it is extremely likely that you will end up with the "player acceptable" STD's, HPV and Herpes I and II. A condom is only good at protecting from a few STDs, and that protection is somewhat marginal.
I am glad that you confessed to your wife. Ultimately, she will be able to help you deal with your guilt, but there will be a price to pay as she now carries some of the burden of your guilt. It will change your relationship. The both of you will have to make a plan for recovery and a new direction for your relationship that will help protect the relationship from further disrespect.
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------- But there's a part of me that would like to see her assert herself as independent. For a brief moment between the time she asserts her independence and the time she leaves me, I think I would be incredibly attracted to her. I rally don't think it will get to that point but it makes me wonder how I can have those feelings. -------------------------------------------------------------
Those feelings come from guilt. The attraction comes from a desperate desire to see the dynamic of the relationship change.
You two are unlikely to get through this without some outside help. You are going to have to get to a place of understanding as to why you did what you did. Your wife is going to have to come to terms with her contribution to the state of the relationship. Then a plan will have to be implemented that will deal with both major issues.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'm sorry that you and your W are going through this. I believe the current statistics are that something like 50% of all people over 25 or so are carrying at least one strain of HPV. They used to say 25% but have recently increased the statistic. Frankly, it is possible that the infection was not from your infidelity although it is the likely explanation. What is important is where you go from here.
There are some good books on the market about healing from an infidelity - with tips for both of you. You need to make sure that you are scrupulosly honest with your W about your whereabouts, plans etc... You need to make sure that you have answered all the questions that she may have about what happened. You need to be careful about who you associate with. You need to spend time with your W just rebuilding the basics of your relationship. I agree with Nop - some kind of professional assistance is necessary too.
Hi Petri, just thought I'd share my experience with hpv. A few years after I met my husband I started getting 'bumps'. I have never slept with anyone else (really truly!) and neither has he, we were both virgins. He has never had any signs of it. I got mine frozen off when they appeared and the doctor told me to use colourless iodine and a prescription burn cream for a few months. I haven't had any recurrences since the last one was frozen, which was over 10 years ago now.
I can only imagine how I would have felt if I had found out my H had been unfaithful and that's how I got this problem. I bet I would be pretty pissed off though! Your wife has to get past the hurt before she can move on I guess. Good luck!
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
What makes this a really odd case is that the issues leading up to the fling were addressed through 2 years of C. When I told her that the fling was the precursor to all the counseling, she seemed to appreciated the actions I took and chose to move on.
In a way, her lack of passion over the A is almost more brutal because its forcing me to work through my own guilt. Having her beat the crap out of me would have sped up my own healing process. She also seems to have rationalized it away some and minimized to just a drunken, stupid, physical thing. Our life together hasn't significantly changed for better of worse since I confessed. We still have fun together and enjoy spending time with one-another...except for the female product shopping. It's almost creepy how the fling part is playing out as a non-event. I WILL say that the hpv bit isn't playing out as a non-event...she's definately pissed.
Maybe this crap psychosomatically manifested itself on my body (remember my divine intervention comment?) as a means to create an issue. I want so badly for her to passionately engage me that it's possible that I sabotaged myself to get some negative attention? That's just sick...right?
I've been thinking about my last comment and I think there's some sick truth to this. I think down deep inside, I want her to "wake up" and I'm (on some level) trying to agitate her and see if she's got some fight (in a metaphorical sense) in her. I'm not sure what I'm doing.
Is this a fusion fantasy whereby I want her to provide my moral boundaries? Maybe she truly doesn't care that I had fling. That would be scary because it's either a painful tale-tell of the R or simply be the way she's wired. I guess I should take the advice of everyone on this board and live in the moment. As long as she is her happy self each day and continues to want to spend her life with me, why should I question it?
( 5 minute moment to think)
Ugh..I think I just answered my last question. I'm not questioning her feelings but rather my own.
(Thank God it wasn't HIV.)