I've always said I'm the luckiest person I know. Even with this mess that has become my life I still feel that way. Therefore....I'm sending it to you for tomorrow. Be well and be strong. Remember you are FABULOUS.
Hi everyone thank you for checking on me regarding court yesterday its been a rough couple of days!!
Here is the latest:
H was supposed to "appear" via phone and he did not!! GO FIGURE.
His atty said that H has been very hard to get ahold of and so him and my atty just worked out #'s for support and presented it to the judge.
Basically I was awarded full custody of the kids and all of the money out of his paychecks that the law would allow. There was nothing to fight about b/c H did not call in to fight for anything not even his kids!!! H lives in another state and he has been in another state all week for work, very busy with meetings as he says.
So, I was obviously happy with the ruling although this was just for temporary orders so who know what will happen when the permanent orders it, H may decide to fight me then.
I was very sad that he couldn't even pull himself away from his busy schedule to call in. And, the amount of money that I was ordered to get from him plus what I take home every month w/ my job is still not enough to get my own place and give the girls the life they were used to just a few months ago!
OK so now for the fireworks!!!!::
I have not responded or talked to H in almost 2 weeks which is unheard of for us but, last night he starts calling. I assumed it was regarding info he had received from his atty so I did not answer. He called 15 times then started w/ the TM that he just wanted to say hi and checkin and let me know that he wanted to come in to town to see the kids this weekend. I TM him back just to say he would have to let me know his schedule b/c girls have plans this weekend, he TM that he would. Then the calls and TM kept coming, "why won't you talk to me" ?. I finally just turned my phone off, I was too hurt about him and court.
So, I wake up this morning to the following TM from him
10:30pm " I don't understand why you will not talk to me. Everything we have gone thru I still and always will show you the respect you deserve...I will always care about you and how you feel. I know I had ambitions for us to remain friends and will always want that with you. You are important to me and to our children and hope that we can someday talk and enjoy each others company again. I'm sorry, bye"
Ok this made me so sad b/c for one it is the same stuff that hurts, he just wants to be friends, isn't that sweet. I guess I should have been happy about that, but his history lately is that this is just his way of covering up his own guilt. And this time it was probaly b/c he knows he was wrong and missed court! How can I be only his FRIEND right now when he has abandoned us? I know this is not a positive DB attitude but WTF?
Well my assumptions were right b/c then I got the next TM after he had obviously received an email from he atty regarding court.
12:30am (only 2 hrs after the previous one, boy did he change his tune)
"I just found out why you are not answering my calls... I didn't know court was today I thought my atty was going to get the day switched. Well Im glad you got what you were looking for...I honestly just wanted to talk to you...I hope you realize what you have done...you don't DESERVE what YOU get. You ruined my life long ago. But I knew you would do what you could to continue to ruin it. Good luck with the rest of YOUR life"
I was devestated but not suprised at this, first I deserve the best then I don't, I have ruined his life??? How, by taking care of him and his kids???
I sent back a TM this am that said, "I'm sorry you feel that way your life is not the only one that has been ruined, please let me know your schedule for this weekend"
Then this afternoon he sent me 2 TMS
"I am busy in meetings all day today" (??? SO what is what I thought)
"You doing okay" (what would make him say that???)
I have not had any contact since then.
Can someone please tell me what to make out of all of this, how do I continue to DB when it is obviouly over??
I hurt so bad. I want to tell him still even after all of this, just come home to your girls we love you and want you here.
My C says if he comes in this weekend to have NC with him. B/C everytime I do that he sucks me back in only to dump on me again.
What would be the correct DB thing to do? I don't feel like even being his friend right now, he hasn't even earned that right and he completely takes advantage of it time and time again.
My C says to just let him unwind like he his starting to do and let the cards fall where they will, he has made the choice to not be a part of our lives.
He can not start to climb out of the tunnel until he hits rock bottom and he hasn't yet, will I know if he ever does?
It obviously drives him crazy when I go dark, but shouldn't I continue to let him go crazy for awhile, I have always made this too easy on him.
Remember that NC and going dark is to save YOUR sanity not to do anything to or for him. Sure he may realize he missed you, but then what? Is he going to see the light and want to some home? Would you trust him if he did. I know you love him and want him back, do you really want things to be the way they were? I know I don't. Granted, my H is still living (I guess that's what you call it) at home, (and I have never been more lonely), but these are just some of the things I think about when I consider what it is I want for the rest of my life.
Yes, at this moment I want him back, but not the way it was. Our M/R has got to become something greater or not at all. I read somewhere on this bb that you should take about six months before make any major decisions about your R. Your hand is being forced, but do what you have to do to protect yourself and your kids and think, read and listen. Everything won't apply to you, but take what you can and don't forget to evaluate what your doing that works and doesn't work. If you journal at all (either here or privately), this could help you to look back and see if there's any progress or not, this includes your own mind set.
I don't now if this is helpful at all to you, but I hope it gives you something you can use.
Thank you. I have heard nothing from him now since the TM yesterday afternoon. Now, why after all of that on Tues nite and Wed would he not even try to contact last night?
My H does the same, he says the sweet stuff and the next minute turns around and throws out all the bad stuff........it hurts like hell, I don't see how we keep taking it in.........it's hard isn't it?!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
You'll make yourself crazy if you keep trying to figure out what he's thinking. We all do it, I know it's hard not to. I'm working on developing a new habit. When I find myself "mind reading", I do sit-ups. Of course this only works when I'm in a place where I can. Otherwise i use the "stop sign" or a THICK rubberband on my wrist.
You can make today better for yourself. I know you will.
Jen, anything I say, please evaluate it and either use it or throw it away or somewhere in between What I want to say is that I think everything that has happened so far is positive for you. Let me explain, your H is going through this weird journey that you did not ask to be a part of. You and your H made vows to each other and you are the only one that kept them. The "normal" H would never have dreamed of doing what he is doing to you and the kids but he is just the same.
You do not know how this is going to end up but you do have an idea of some of the things that may happen according to other peoples experiences and from MWD's books. From what I am hearing, you are DBing among the best of them. Of course it is going to get crazy. One moment he is going to be nice and the next you are the worst person in the world. That is because everything is about him. At one time, that wasn't the case until the MLC fairy came along. Now, he is extremely self centered. When he was nice to you, it suited him. He may have had a moment of lucidity and was feeling bad but not quite enough to say or realize, "I love you" so the most you are going to get is "I want to be friends". To him, he is being gracious and you should thank your lucky stars that he is being so generous. How can he say that he loves you when he does not love himself?
When he is mean, let it go. Let his mean, cruel words go as hard as it is to do that. He is hurting inside and he blames you. It is because you are still "safe". He knows you love him. You are his safety net. Even in his current state, he knows or thinks he knows, that if his world comes crashing down, you will be there to pick up the pieces and hold him as he cries.
That is why you need to be strong and let him fall on his own. If you are to hold him, he cannot learn to pick himself up again. The hard part is letting him fend for himself (same problem I have with my W because I always wanted to be her knight). You will have fears that he will become too self sufficient to want to come back. That is my irrational fear of my W becoming able to take care of herself. But remember it has more to do with them choosing to be married, not being married because they rely on us.
Hang in there. Don't give up. Stay on the boards. And if you are afraid you might weaken or not sure of your next steps, talk to one of the coaches. Use your husbands money to pay for it
God's got your back (put on that spiritual armor)!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
What I want to say is that I think everything that has happened so far is positive for you. Let me explain, your H is going through this weird journey that you did not ask to be a part of. You and your H made vows to each other and you are the only one that kept them. The "normal" H would never have dreamed of doing what he is doing to you and the kids but he is just the same.