Not swift enough to get my oldish post over here - was under hes_my_man in Newcomers. (Had to change my name - couldn't remember my log in info).
My title refers to the proverbial "elephant in the living room".
I feel like right now this is where we are at. Hubs is home and says he wants to be there with me more than anything but I'm having huge issues with GAL and moving along. I saw a wonderful saying today "How can you embrace life and love with two hands when you have a deathgrip on the past?".
I honestly have let go of the details the actual affair. I understand why it happen and what it truly was and other than worrying about the contact, it's really a bump in the past. I guess I'm just on the ups and downs of wanting everything right and wanting it right now. I am quickly finding out - it won't work that way.
I am sad. I am lonely. I feel like I have a man I adore and am wildly attracted too...I love him and want a future with him (here's the big butt) I feel like I'm going to have to settle now to have that.
I have a huge issue that I struggle with daily - control. Hubs tells me daily this is going to be what drives the ending wedge between us. He tries to "help" me with this by only being "selectively available" to me while he travels and only contacting me at times he says he will. To me this sounds cruel blah blah blah...but I've had several people say he's right on this one and yes, I know I NEED to get a life. But in my defense (is there one?) up until 8 months ago, this man was at my beck and call. I was never a bother and numerous calls through out the day about nothing at all was no biggie. I know that's being unrealistic...I really do, but so is expecting me to be ok with all this in one day.
We have a C appointment on Thursday. I spoke with her yesterday when I made the appointment and she basically said, I am a short term solution therapist - I will work with you guys on goals and a plan and you will need to decide if this is the way you want to go. I told her I really didn't want to spend the time rehashing the past blah blah blah, it needs to be acknowledged, but I need assurance that he's in this...Is that a wrong expectation to have??
I'm floundering. I know the fate of this can really depend on me and my attitude. I KNOW this, but dang, it's hard to put that knowledge into action.
I am scared. I am fearful and I am letting that rule my day and life. And then the what if's....(again control...do we see a pattern here??).
I know I've wandered aimlessly through my thoughts...but still any words would be welcomed.
I do love this man and I know he loves me. I guess I just want world peace and no more hunger along with that...is it really too much to ask?
I don't always feel comfortable recommending this, but one thing that's helped me tremendously with obsessing on the past is low dosage antidepressants. I take 5 mg of Celexa and it has really made a big difference.
I think there are other "stop thought" techniques and mental games to try and control this as well.
Although sometimes the only thing that really helps is time. Good luck!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
men coming back from As are very protective of their privacy (mine was, since I found out about A through going through his things)
Accept his new boundaries, the past R is that, past. You have a new R now, and if his wishing are for now not to talk w/you 5+ a day, give him that. With time, when he feels better, he'll open up a bit more.
Thing get better, took about 8mths + for my H to actually be loving to me and me getting over the worst of the A and feeling loved, but it's here, and all the wait and work was worth it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
A couple of weeks ago I saw our company Dr and he gave me a 5mg dosage of *gosh* I can't remember the name!! But it's more for anxiety - it has REALLY helped with the obsessiveness that I can feel over this.
Cat,
Thank YOU for the reminder. It's hard to forget that they feel *justified* in their actions and so they get to make the rules - as much as I want to fight them, why??!! I won't win and if I have to do this stupid flippin' game for a bit in exchange for the rest of my life with this man, than suck it up. Am I even close??!!
Sheesh...how on earth do we EVER get to this point? Totally and completely mystifies me.
First, if you have some time, go back through some of Cat's threads. She's right and has applied some pretty good patience as her H found his way home. Some of what you write in your post reminds me of what she had first posted as she came over to piecing.
Second, what kind of counseling have you had yourself if you don't mind me asking. It seems to me you have a pretty good handle on what it is that might constitute destructive behaviour in your M (the obsessiveness). Since a lot of this comes not from recent events, but programming our entire lives, what do you think is the trigger. Personally, my W was (and still is somewhat) very controlling. As I watched her over time, I understood that she had very little control over her youth (parents divorced, her mom an alcoholic) and that haunts her today. As an adult, she feels entitled to rule with an iron fist.
That's not to say she isn't better about it now - and the small credit I will take is that I stopped being a subservient wuss and started communicating it to her when she was being a nag. I've worked on finding ways to lead her such that she doesn't feel manipulated and can find her way out of her funk when she is in one. The benefit is two fold. First, she feels connected to me emotionally and second I get to feel like I hold some significance in her life.
Also, to this day my W has still not apologized for the A - however she has thanked me for changing - grabbing my life by the horns (GAL) and making changes. I will tell you I have NO expectation of an apology - simple fact of her making her realizations that I am the real deal is validation enough. No sense living in the past - only takes away from what we need to do going forward.
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Sheesh...how on earth do we EVER get to this point? Totally and completely mystifies me.
To me, this can be a hard pill to swallow. But, I will tell you that I think most content, loved, and intimate couples generally don't stray apart or have affairs. So for the LBS, you question needs to be answered - because there is an answer.
For me, I was a workaholic cowering wussbag. Hey, I'm okay saying it because as a part of my GAL and 180's, I've killed that person in me and changed my life for the better. Result, W is back, and our relationship (and my relationship with my kids) is better than ever.
I'm not sure where I was going with all of this only to say first, Welcome to Piecing - its great you are hear but that second, now the work begins. Whatever it was that brought you H back is what you need to focus on with goals and patience. Your H too I am sure is riddled with his own emotions and guilt. Let him find his way as YOU find yours. Patience, patience, patience. Like Cat, it took my W 8 months as well from the "I think we should give this a shot" to "I love you".
There is a lot to be said of a spouse that says they will call you at X time, and then they do. Its not about winning here (something I have recently been wrapped over the head by another friend) but finding happiness in yourself. Confidence in yourself. That will make you a better spouse and that much more appealing to your H....
Hope that helps.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Actually happy couples can have affairs! I read that in "Not Just Friends" and found it a little surprising. The problem isn't always happiness (in other words it's not a fool-proof method to avoid affairs) but boundaries and avoiding secrets... because sometimes A's can happen very gradually and innocently.
HMM2, I'm glad to hear you're on low level antidepressants. Just take vitamins, meditate, read positive books and let time and serotonin do it's job! Yes, you'll have ups and downs, but that's really normal.
I think there's probably a lot of people borderline OCD, or with OCD tendencies, and when things like this happen their reactions are just a little stronger. Time and those low dose meds should help. Hang in there!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Your're right - I was generalizing and so I'm busted. I was thinking cause and effect. If you're communicating well, are happy in that and respect the boundaries of a M, then they are less likely to happen.
What I was going for here is to say that what helped me a lot was to NOT take a victim's mindset. Sure, I didn't force the affair, I didn't wander - I messed up for my own reasons - took ownership and fixed them.
I think HMM2 will be fine, I'm sure of that...
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
You say you need to get a life. Enough about him and how to deal with thinking about him.
Make a plan to get a life. Let's see, list some hobbies or interests, some other things you think you are perhaps called to do in this life. Make a list, make some goals. It's hard. This is the toughest thing, but let me tell you, it's easier to do with a husband than without. You have to get a life no matter what. You may as well start now. Expect to not always be comfortable. Expect to not always want to go to your new class, club etc. Resistance usually accompanies change. However, when I left home for college, I was scared and uncomfortable, but I went. THis is a growing, differentiation thing. Just know that the bad feelings are normal and then you may be able to deal with them easier. Okay, so list some things that you're into and then turn it into smaller goals. Example: I've always wanted to knit. Okay step one, look up a knitting group, step 2 go to a few specialty yarn stores. goal setting: I will knit a scarf by the end of June. I will join a knitting club/class and attend 3 times by the end of June.
Example 2: Hm, I like birdwatching. Okay. Step one, I will read about new birds. step 2 I will rent some movies about birds. Step 3, I will look into birdwatching clubs, activities etc. etc.
See this getting a life thing almost like a semester in college where you ahve to sign up for 4 or 5 classes. At the beginning they seem interesting, that's why you sign up. During, you don't always feel like going, but you go anyway. At the end, you are proud of yourself for finishing the class and the new skills friends you've made.
I'm serious. Stop worrying about hubby at all. You're number one issue is to Get a Life, so let's make a full subscription/commitment right now.
Oh, and when you're busy travelling doing your own hobbies and work, and charities, guess who will be calling you to find out all about it, because it will be so interesting and he doesn't want to miss out?! lol
Also, you need to learn some self soothing and self validation. Another one of the toughest lessons life has to offer.
Next time you really want to call H and are mad, think about why. What feelings am I having right now that I want him to take care of for me. and then take care of them yourself. Yep, your an adult, gotta do it. Example:I feel really ugly and lousy today. I want to call H and have him reassure me how beautiful I am. Nope. Instead, go for a walk, buy some flowers, arrange your own boquet and one for a neighbor. make some tea, hmm, I kind of feel better now, oh! look who just called, Hi hon! and your happy and excited and so is he and he just naturally tells you you're beautiful which is just a cherry on the top, because you already made the icecream sundae yourself.
Example: I feel really lonely. I'm married. I shouldn't have to feel lonely. I want to call H, then I won't feel lonely anymore. Nope! what else can you do? Hmmm. I'm going to go to the coffee shop and bring a book, I'll be around other people. Hmmm, I think I'll call a girlfriend...hmmm, I think my sister wanted me to babysit...
Get it? I'm not saying you're not allowed to have needs. I'm just saying to do your part to fill them as much as you can. Then when he fills them it's fun and extra and not a duty or responsibility or chore to him. You're not his kid, you're his wife. He'll fill your needs, but you need to do the work to fill your own as well.
Now saying all this, I would like to add that I do not know your story, apparantly he had an affair? I don't know, I just read the last few posts. There's work that needs to be done on the marriage. It sounds like you guys are doing that with the counselor etc.
I'm just encouraging you towards your goal of Getting a Life as this was the hardest thing for me to learn and I'm still struggling with it. You can do it!!!
You can do it!!!