Hi folks, I've been posting over on teh MLC board since July. But I think I may belong here as well.
Background: Me: 33 H: 33 M: 7 years (together 14) Kids(2): S2, S4 Bomb: Jan '06 (OW) Came back Mar '06 for 1 week - couldn't live without OW H came back: May '06 Since then, there have been MANY touch and goes with H. We're now in the process of trying to reconcile.
Prior to H's A, I treated sex like a chore. I wasn't interested. I jsut wasn't. I would look for ways to keep the kids from napping at the same time so H wouldn't come on to me. I just didn't realize at that time what a huge impact it was having on our M.
After my H's A, I realized that it was an issue and that sex is an important part of M. So, we worked on that. I got much better.. MUCH, but still not great. Sex got a little more interesting and also more frequent. Yet it still didn't seem to be enough.
Since my H's return in May, he has been struggling with feeling pulled away to OW. Everytime he goes back to her for a night or two, he realizes she's not who he wants to be with adn he comes home. Then a few weeks later, he gets restless, withdraws, and leaves for a day or two... and there you see the cycle.
This has been a huge struggle becuase whenever H comes home, he seems to be so sure that he wants me as his W and he wants our family and to move back home. But then smoethign comes over him and he wants to flee again.
H has been in C since May. This past Tuesday, H had what he called a "breakthrough". He said that he thinks about sex so often and he wants it so badly but feels like I not interested. Now, I knew this was an issue, but it wasn't until H opened up to me this week that I realized what a HUGE issue it was with him. We had a good, open conversatino about it that day.
He said when he withdrawls, that's what he's thinking about. He said that he feels like he spends the weekends wondering when we can have sex, and he thinks I spend the weekend thinking how can I avoid sex. He said that he thinks I'm not interested. He said he tried the flowers thing and it still didnt' seem to make a diffence in bed.
I opened up to hm as well and told him that I am interested in sex, but that I don't like him to just pounce on me. I need some kisses on the neck first. I need some open, honest communication. I need to feel loved. I told him that sometimes I feel used. He didn't understnad how I coudl possibly feel used.
Anyway, we had a pretty open convo about it.
My question is this... does his interest in sex seem over the top or is this typical of a guy's view of sex?
The other thing I shoudl mention is that he does look at porn, which has always bothered me to a small degree. So, he said that sometimes he just looks at porn because he it's easier than trying to get me to have sex.
There's mroe to this, but I wanted to get some initial opinions first. Thanks!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I'm sorry you're here, but glad you feel you belong.
I can speak only from my own experience as an HD male, but I don't think there's anything "over-the-top" or unrealistic about your husband's sexual needs. And an HD male will, after repeated rejection, be deeply hurt and may in fact give up (I did).
However, that does NOT justify him going outside of the marriage to have his needs met, and CERTAINLY doesn't justify him continually leaving and coming back to his family as he pleases!
This past Tuesday, H had what he called a "breakthrough". He said that he thinks about sex so often and he wants it so badly but feels like I not interested. Now, I knew this was an issue, but it wasn't until H opened up to me this week that I realized what a HUGE issue it was with him. We had a good, open conversatino about it that day.
Peaceful,
Did he really never say anything to you about this before? Many spouses "nag" about sex, which tends to only backfire (esp. with a HD wife nagging a LD husband, cuz we all know us guys don't respond well to nagging! ) But had he never just TOLD you how important this was to him, or how your rejecting him made him feel?
Choc, My story is so long with so many details. No, it doesn't justify him going outside the M. And it took him a long time to figure out why he did feel the need to go outside the M. Believe me, I was ready for a D. I had an L... we had gone to mediation. I was ready. Then he came back and admitted he was having trouble and needed to get help. That's when I decided to let it play out to see if he could get the help he so needed. Just to be clear, this isn't all about sex. he just needed help in general becuase he was very confused and didn't know what he was feeling.
On the surface, it looks like i've let him come and go as he pleases. I have wanted to throw in the towel many times. But as H and I have explored these issues deeper, we've identified that there are underlying problems going on with him, for which he is getting help. He was at one time very opposed to seeing a counselor. But now he goes every week. He has also seen a psychiatrist and we were in MC for a long time. Also, when I say he has "come back", i only mean that we've recommitted to trying to work on the M. He has not moved back in, nor will until I feel completely secure that these issues have been worked through and resolved.
As far as him saying something before, up until the A happened, it was him nagging me for sex, as you said above. No, he NEVER told me how important it was to him. In fact, he told me the other day that he would tell himself it was no big deal, but that he realized that it is a big deal. I viewed sex as an extra... something that H wanted but didn't need and something that I didn't wnat or need. WHen the reconcilliation started to get underway, we did talk about it. I knew it was one of his issues. But it wasn't until this past week that I understood just how strongly he felt about it. It was quite eye opening to me.
Lil, Thanks for the reassurance. I guess I jsut don't know what the normal sex drive of a man really is. My H has just never opened up to me about it before.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
does his interest in sex seem over the top or is this typical of a guy's view of sex?
Sounds typical, compared to my view. Understand, however, that MY view is the view of a man who gets to ML a few times a year with his W. For example, last year, about four times.
Some things I was nodding my head to, as I was reading your message: "He said that he thinks about sex so often and he wants it so badly but feels like I not interested.... He said when he withdrawls, that's what he's thinking about. He said that he feels like he spends the weekends wondering when we can have sex, and he thinks I spend the weekend thinking how can I avoid sex. He said that he thinks I'm not interested. He said he tried the flowers thing and it still didnt' seem to make a diffence in bed." Yep.
Sounds to me that your sex life hasn't been very good for you because your husband has been using you, using you to prop up his own sense of self and of masculinity. Using you as a sexual object to relase the anxiety and tensions of life instead of an intimate expression of love with a person of desires,emotions and an internal life of her own.
PS, I admire your willingness to look at your contributions to the marital mess...not an easy thing to do when your spouse goes off and has an affair. You are a wonderful person and I hope that this is the start of a new marriage for you.
I'm glad some of our esteemed SSM posters have chimed in to help explain what sex means to the high drive spouse.
I have my own impression of what goes on over on the MLC boards, but can you tell me what kind of advice the regular posters over there have been giving you? What is their position on you H going back and forth to the OW? Do they still see MLC as a "disease" that you have to wait to pass? How much introspection are they doing over there? (I'm too lazy to read through the threads to get an up-to-date feel of the attitude.)
PS is really a gem because she is really working on herself while simultaneously trying to protect herself from her H's affair craziness. She's doing that dance of detachment and connection that we speak about.
) But had he never just TOLD you how important this was to him, or how your rejecting him made him feel?