Chrome, I figured that was the scenerio. I so wish I could talk to all of these other LD wives and tell them how good it can truly be if you put some effort into the M and that includes the ML part.
Been there and don't ever want to go back. Still praying that it's not too little, too late for my M. Things are going great, but obviously takes awhile for the WAS to get back into things after the bomb, etc.
I think my H is finally getting to the point where he realizes that the changes I've made are for real and he's willing to put himsef out there a little more w/o worrying that he's going to get hurt again. I'm just making sure that he knows that for sure and making sure that I don't ever do the things that hurt him so badly ever again.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I think all of us HD wives have said this on here at one point or another I so wish I could talk to all of these other LD wives and tell them how good it can truly be if you put some effort into the M and that includes the ML part.
Maybe I'm wrong about this, but I see that many of the women who are "HD" as opposed to "LD" minimize the conditions on their SL. In other words, the LD woman wants to be romanced, lots of AOS/WOA/GG, revving up of their "engine" before sex can occur. HD women want the same things, but they are not necessary conditions for sex. We often talking about jumping through hoops or walking on eggshells or passing tests, etc. But the HD woman has (as you say) come to the realization that her sexuality is an important part of her life, and thus acheives balance and a higher awareness of how R issues should be dealt with. The H is not sexually punished for other failings, those failings are dealt with in the appropriate context.
Anyway, just some random thoughts that have been brought up many times before.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I think a HUGE part of it for women too is how they perceive sex, their bodies, their roles, etc. and what they have been taught to see these things as.
I had to change my mindset before I could change my actions.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I just want to throw in here that one source of "variety" in a relationship has nothing to do with different hair color, eye color, body shape. It has to do with what Schnarch calls "shades of meaning" in sex. If your sex life provided adequate shades of meaning - fun sex, raunchy sex, angry sex, freindly sex, romantic sex - props, no props, different moods, smells, lingerie, nudity, naughty language, silence, music, no music,positions, types of sex etc...then "variety" may cease to be such an issue.
So true. We both had some issues to overcome first.
Experimenting is hard when you're afraid of failing, and when you misinterpret a slight bit of resistance as "hell no" when it really means "convince me".
I found some moves that nearly always brought her to O, and stuck with them lest I fail to get her there and leave her frustrated and unhappy. Stuck with them for years. Didn't let her do much to me for fear I'd finish too soon. Watched porn where the girl was up for anything and wished we could do it like that. Meanwhile she was tired most of the time and unhappy with her body and (now that I think back on it) bored out of her mind.
Originally Posted By: karen1
Guess what - that sort of variety is your responsibility too.
Yep. Actually, at least in my case, that sort of variety is mostly my responsibility... she generally follows my lead. (Although, after she'd lost a bit of weight and I'd led her through a few change-ups the last several times, she surprised me by asking to try a position we'd never been able to get into before, and it worked!) She sometimes asked me where I got a move I was showing her, and I smiled and said "I saw it in a movie once" (porn does have its uses). Once I got more confidence, I went from "why can't we do it like that" while watching those videos to "we can do it like that" to "we should do it like that, and I bet she'll go along with it if I lead her in a manly fashion like that guy in the video", and I took on the attitude that, if something doesn't work, we can try something else next time... it's not the end of the world if I don't push her over the edge every time, and she has a lot more fun if I relax and play with her.
And dropping the conflict avoidance paid big dividends recently... I brought out an inflatable exercise ball from the closet right before we started, and while my head was turned, she threw it right back into the closet! In the old days, I'd have assumed that she was not interested in playing with it and just dropped the idea. Now, after we warmed up for a while on the bed, I took the exercise ball back out of the closet and led her to it... and we got plenty of exercise with it! Later I asked her if she'd originally had misgivings about it, and she said she didn't even realize it was I who had brought it out before, much less why it was out; she was just cleaning up and putting the ball away before she started playing. She wasn't resisting the idea at all, but I could easily have fallen into the trap of thinking she was rejecting a simple variation and then blaming her for a boring sex life if I hadn't pushed through my own insecurities.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Wow, it's been a while since I checked in and I hadn't realised my post was getting more answers. Quite a lot there to look through and a lot of different view points.
My sitch has pretty much moved on anyway...I have been living back with him since November and over the last couple of months there have been many niggles and disagreements and many times he has said he wants me out. I have pretty much bitten my tongue and carried on as usual, this is a 360 for me as I'd normally argue and leave. This went on for sometime and his asking/telling me to leave became more persistent, so last weekend I stayed over at my own house. He called a lot and asked me to go out, said he wanted me to go back and denied saying he'd ever asked me to leave. So I went back and he was more attentive and affectionate in general although the only time we had sex I felt like a blow up doll. I had to go on a trip over Wednesday night and got back late last night, he called as I was nearing home and offered to make me something to eat, which was really kind of him, and we ate watching some TV, I liked this as we always sit at the table for dinner, I said so and then listened to a lecture on how he didn't want it to become a regular thing, it was OK very occasionally but he didn't want to make a habit of it. I couldn't even be bothered to answer, I'd just driven 350 miles over 7 hours and was exhausted. So I drank most of a bottle of wine and we went to bed. I initiated sex, something I rarely do as I am so often rejected but after a bottle of wine I was more daring. So I go down on him, and realise after a while he doesn't want me to get up, I'm doing my thing and wondering should I get up and go on top, then just think it's not worth it, it will be unsatisfactory anyway...he finishes, I move up the bed and stroke his stomach and he starts talking about how many MPG I was getting in my car over the journey. I listened for a while becoming quite angry then turned my back told him he was selfish and could he not put the shoe on the other foot and imagine how he would feel if our roles were reversed. He said we wouldn't have sex again it wasn't worth the hassle I was always unhappy and he went to sleep in another room. Tonight I have come back to my house. Writing about it I see lots of places I could have done better last night and the wine probably didn't help. I feel like the whole time I've been back I've bent over backwards to keep things running smoothly, and he said he's not going to do anything he doesn't want to do. I feel he's like a stone pillar completely immovable and if I want our realthionship to work then I have to do all the changing. It has my head battered and I really feel I've done as much as I can, and I don't know what to do next.
Boyfriend want head, boyfriend give head, then boyfriend get head.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I so wish I could talk to all of these other LD wives and tell them how good it can truly be if you put some effort into the M and that includes the ML part.