The chronicles of Me

[phoenix2]

Hi all,

I feel like I need a place to put my thoughts and get input on occasion about marital issues. It's hard to find a good spot for me.

I've been on this site since March of 2005 under various names. In brief, my wife and I separated in early 2005 and went through the rollercoaster that seems to go with the territory. We divorced in May of that year...an easy, painless process and I guess that should have been the end of the story. We did remain friends although I certainly wanted to be more, although the desire to be her husband had started to wain. Anyway, On New Years Eve 2005 she had an epiphany of sorts, called crying, and ended the convo by asking me to think about trying again with her. To make a long story short...we did end up trying again. We've been living together since February of 2006. I love her, she loves me. We had a somewhat rocky 2006, but we've made it through and even put most of our hang-ups behind us. If anything, my wife is stronger for all of this. I just want to journal some issues and maybe get some help.

Okay: Me 39; two kids of my own S15, S13
Her 41; two kids of her own D13, S10

Our problems have centered mainly on the "blended" family and also on some of my doubts and fears. We didn't remarry. I asked her last April and she said yes, but because of certain issues that cropped up, I actually never pursued the marriage. She's asked about it several times and I've in one way or another put her off. Part of the problem is I guess fear of being once again legally responsible. We live together, share finances, shares the same goals and dreams for the future like a married couple. So, I guess I'm not sure why I wouldn't just do it. Waiting for a sign from God? For one thing, I haven't reintroduced her to my family. It feels almost like starting over and so I feel like I should at least have my x-wife/fiancee jump through those hoops again rather than call and say, "guess what, we're married". I also would need to discuss that with my boys. They would need a heads up before I got married again.

The difficult part is the step family. It was the difficulty we encounted the first time around (coupled with an EA). It seemed easier when we were separated. And many days it's easy now. There are times though where I am just so frustrated with my step-kids. It's hard to step back and let my wife deal with it because I feel like they are walking all over her, treating her like a servant, and being disrespectful. She's actually very good to my kids, but they aren't essentially full time like her kids are. I don't know if she just bites her tongue or has learned to live with things. Anyway, we have talked about this and she really would prefer that she just handle her kids. Guess then that the problem is mainly mine if I can't live with that. My problem is mainly with my step-daughter and perhaps it's just being a teen. Plus she's emotionally more immature than that and has learning diffiulties and ADD. It makes it hard, but who she is. I do need to be more accepting of that. It's hard not to compare to your own kids, who obviously are seen in the most favorable light.

Did I ask a question? Guess not. Anyone have experience blending families? Anyone have no hang-ups living with their spouse, but concerns about being official married? Anyone have any book suggestions for step-families and also starting over? Anyone just want to say, "that was a very boring, vague, and mammoth post and I fell asleep just reading it"?

[cat03]

Hey there, all I can say is that you shouldn't married if you have misgiving about how the kids' attituted are being handled. If you feel it isn't right, (the way she is treated) chances right it will come up later and will create more problems between you two. If you don't agree with the way she is proposing things will be, then think this stich very good.

ADD people are on a league of their own, it can be very frustrating to live w/them, but they also have their good sides. My H is ADHD, so I can half imagen what kind of things your sd does. I think it will be very beneficial if you read about ADD/ADHD,the best book out there is "driven to distraction", takea look at it.

And yes, girls are way more emotional and are more work, I have a boy and an girl, and as little as she is I can see my work is already cut out for me :P

Also, 13 I think is the worst age, kids are rebels without a cause!

[phoenix2]

Thanks for the reply cat

I have a different topic that isn't related to me. It's about infidelity.

Infidelity is rampant. If the WAS isn't cheating, it's more often than not because they haven't been caught yet. It's really sickening. It's almost as bad when the LBS latches on so desperately that they are willing to just accept the affair, forgive, forget, if their spouse would only stay. My personal opinion is that the cheating spouse responds much better to being kicked to the curb. How many times have you heard about the cheating spouse immediately begging and pleading for another chance when they find themselves kicked to the curb? This, "I'll take whatever he/she is willing to give" attitude I think leads to them accepting their behavior as okay. "My spouse drove me to it" and that's b.s.

I also think that the cheating spouse should only be given another chance when they seek forgiveness and another chance. They need to come back repentent, with guilt and remorse. It makes me mad when I read about them coming back and the spouse that was cheated on walks on eggshells.

Oh well, off my soapbox.

Nothing new to report really. I've screwed up two nights in a row and said something to my step-daughter about issues. The night before last I didn't like that she wouldn't even attempt to eat her dinner and basically demanded that her mom make her something else. Last night, at bedtime she mentions she has a homework assignment due the next day. I should have just butt out of it. As my wife said, it's my SD responsibility to do her work. It really spoiled a couple nice evenings and we went to bed in a fairly unloving way...no kiss, no ILY, and really just a grudging goodnight. I'm tired and crabby at night and my frustration level is high. If I want to make it through the day I need a different strategy to handle the last couple hours before bed. I'm going to experiment with a few things

[phoenix2]

Is it just me or are there a lot of people in piecing that actually have a spouse that is either still cheating on them or are hung up on the person they were cheating with?

I honestly believe that being the understanding spouse (especially understanding wife) is the surest way to drag the affair out for a couple years. It must be a real rush to have a couple women that want you and especially a rush to have your wife so desperate for you that she'll either ignore the affair or better yet, see it as her fault. I think that these cheating husbands should be kicked to the curb. A) they'll come back faster and more desperate (because suddenly the woman is a challenge) and b) you'll save a little of your self-respect.

I really struggle with the notion of piecing when your spouse is still cheating. Only two can piece....not three. Oh well, to each his own. That's just my gripe.

[Heywyre]

Phoenix

I don't think you can control the feelings your spouse might still have for the OP - that can take an unbelieveable amount of time sometimes, however, I would venture to say that unless the unfaithful spouse has physically eliminated the OP from their life (and when I say physical, I mean not having a sexual relationship as sometimes they work together etc.) and is dedicated to working on rebuilding together with their partner, I don't believe the couple is piecing at all