Hi Everyone. I know I said I was done, but I'm back and I think the piecing is real this time. My h is here with me as I'm typing this. He is truly a new man. He is everything I ever dreamed of. He's fun and funny and smart and caring and compassionate . . . I mean, he's back and better than ever!
Now I seem to be the problem. I can't get over everything. It feels like too much has happened. I've lost so much of myself. I don't even know how to describe it. I think he described it best when he said I'm just a shell of the person I was, just going through the motions.
I am so hurt to find out the whole story. I keep hearing his voice telling her he loves her. I keep seeing their hands and mouths on each other. I keep wondering "Did she do this with him?" or "Did he do that with her?" I feel like their emotional connection was way stronger than anything I ever had with him, so of course I'm jealous and comparing every conversation I had with the ones I imagine he had with her.
I don't want to leave him, but sometimes I feel like it's the only way I'll quit hurting. I don't want to wake up in his arms with her in my head any more. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to make all this go away so I can focus on now and appreciate who he is now. How can we build a future with this in our past?
H-44 M-36 Married 6/7/03 8/17/06 - H not sure he wants to be married any more 8/17/06-present - Just crawling through the rubble that's left of my life 2/8/07 - H admitted affair
You need to read the chapter on infedelity in the Divorce Remody book. It has helped me understand how to cope with this. Even though I am still caught in the latter part of an A, my wife is trying to break it off. It still gives me hope that I can overcome this. I'm sure I will feel and already feel the same things you are, but I know GOD will give me strength.
I don't have the book, but I'll try to piece some things from it.
1. ask questions about the A, only if you can handle the truth. If you can't then don't put yourself through that. But sometimes the truth is better than the assumptions you are having.
2. Forgive him, forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. You won't forget what happened but it will help start the healing process.
3. Find out why the A took place. that will help with it not happening again.
4. You will have doubts and bad thoughts all the time, when your ready you will have to put a stop to them. When a bad thought starts you have to conciously tell yourself to "STOP" and start thinking about something else. As time goes on you will not have to force yourself so much and it will get easier.
5. Ask for reassurance, he should be able to give you some when you need it.
6. When he is late or somewhere you don't know, ask, but in a positive way. If you are accusing him of where he is, it will make a negative conflict occur and will push him away.
7. Start on regaining your trust back, by all of the steps above will allow you to build that back up.
My W's uncle still deals with this after a lot of years. He said it's hard and bad thoughts still roam through his mind. But he needs to ask in a positive way and trust that the truth is what he is getting. You will never be able to forget what happened, but you can forgive him and if you want to be with him, you need to be strong. Change your marriage to a much stronger one, make the changes which caused the A to happen in the first place. Make sure that you never get into a situation that will put your marriage in jeoperdy again. Ask for GOD's strength everyday, HE has the power to heal.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
You WILL get over it, I too never in my wildest dreams thought I'd get over the details of the A, but I have. Do I think of ow/A daily? yes, but with less frequency and it doesn't burn ANYmore, it's just mostly out of habit though, one I am breaking. It took about 8-9 mths to get to this stage of peace.
I want you to get your hands on the book "healing the hurt in your M", read the part about forgiveness (if you look at my thread on this board, I posted something about it)
I know it seems unlikely you'll forgive, but it is possible, time will help you. I will post some posts from last year from awesome people who posted when I thought I'd die thinking of what I had found out (A). These posts I carry w/me and read them over and over when I thought I was about to vent on my H.
==================================== Hey cat....it's OK to feel how you do. You just unearthed a lot of stuff. As long as you don't take it out on H or kids, it's OK to feel crazy, like screaming, like hell. I have a suggestion. I have also found some horrific stuff recently, and it was so much easier to deal with since we're separated. Our lives are not together now. I'm not suggesting you separate, but can you perhaps go away for the weekend or something, just to get some space. Right now, you are with H, near the room full of letters/stuff, and just memories. At least a day trip. Your H probably did a LOT of things while he was gone that is hurtful to you now. The hardest thing to remember is that he did it to himself, not to hurt you. Moreover, you will get over this, while H has to live with it and likely screwed himself up more. I suggest you take a look at Pregnant and DBings thread....she has a really good take on the whole thing.....that lives were separate while gone and what he did then was his life. It's tough one to swallow, but it's something that I am beginning to realize might be the thing to think while finding forgiveness. =================================== I think it's always better to redirect your energy and focus to a beneficial place rather than to try and stop focusing on something that's detrimental. If you need to be reassured that something bad is not happening, because you are allowing yourself to conjure up images of these things, then you are not focusing on positive change that you can bring about. Come up with a way that you can be comfortable directing yourself internally. I think that if you always look for an obstacle that's external to you to blame for not doing what you agreed to it's only an excuse. Don't look for excuses, look for opportunities. We can praise the little things, or we can ignore them. praise is so much better, and makes us want to do even more. I am not sure, but time helps. And myself deciding I didn't want to live my life having to think about H betrayal, OW, lies and the hurt I felt. I was ready to put it all behind me and begin living my life for me, in the present and not the past. If H decided he wanted to be with me fine, but if he didn't I would move ahead without him. I had to get away from the hurt, forgive and move on. I was ready to forget this part of my life. Now realize it took 2 yrs post bomb to get to this point. Now H did hear my anger many times as it surfaced. But how many times can you beat a dead horse. One of H fears was that I would never let him forget what he did, would always bring it up and make him feel bad. So I have worked hard never to mention it. ===================== I won't go on and on with this but I am not suprised...no man wants to admit to an affair....they know it is going to open up so much and they can't handle anything....he didn't lie to you in his mind....he lied for you.... Listen to me....you need to relax....you need to stop casting blame....you need to realize that he is back with you and it is going to take time...my H has been back for 6 mos. and still can't say "I love you"....but he is here and we are getting better....it is hard to see as it goes along...it is when I look back that I see how far we have come.... Get control of your emotions....if you can't control them then take a personal time out....let him know why....tell him you feel out of control and don't want to make things worse...he will respect you for this... Also...hug him, kiss him, I will leave the sexual thing to you because I understand the "pity sex" feeling...but don't take away you affection....that is what heals...that is the glue to the relationship....and it isn't just for him...it will help you too... I also had to wait for my H to do the STD thing...I just got him to the doctor this month!....so far things are good just a few more tests... Let you husband keep his dignity...no more quizing...it will only make you feel bad....him feel bad for making you feel bad...and in the end you both have gained nothing for it....what's done is done...you can't change the past but you can change the future...look to the future....the only time I look back now is to see how far I have come....how far we have come.. You will be fine...today is a new day....embrace it...enjoy it....live it.... And honey...I got the debt thing all over on you...you think 10K is bad....how about 120K!....and 16K of it is on me!!!...even after bankruptcy on his part he will owe the IRS about 30K!!! So count your blessings. Lin We can only imagine how horrible it was for H's to be talked to like that. It seems that the A overshadows all the past, but I have to rememver there's a LOT I did to get down that path. ===================== He helped OW with bills and other things (gifts, etc)....he said it wasn't really the physical stuff at all, but more that someone appreciated and needed what he gave them and was grateful. Someone that was 'crazy' about him, and just knowing that was really nice for him. Also, that it was a distraction for him from our mess...which is what explains the 'addictive' type of behavior or spouses do when in the A (constantly calling, checking emails, etc) more so than when they were with us. When they fell in love with us, life was balanced and happy and whole, so no need to go overboard with reaching out....but in the A, it's a product of feeling miserable in part of your life and shutting that out, so you're reaching out overly so, to distract yourself, do dull the pain/ugliness of life. The answer, I put together just recently after his confession and our talks: H admitted that during all this he was in a 'fog' of sorts. Was not himself. He said that he no love for himself, let alone for anyone else (when I asked if he 'fell in love.') and was feeling miserable (about us), guilty (about himself). He was barely keeping it together during the months. Not the strong balanced person he was. So at this low point, he goes OVERboard in indulging in a distraction, self-medication of sorts. Think of it as drinking. When life is good, you enjoy a few drinks, to kick back and relax, to enhance your life. When life is bad, you want to drink heavily to forget. So, in a way, it's a GOOD sign that H's are less indulgent in US. Means that they are more balanced and well-rounded....esentially more capable of TRUE and LASTING love....because those things are built and given only when you love yourself, are happy and feeling strong. Of course, I understand it, but it still hurts, when I think "geez, you can call OW a million times, but you can't call me until the end of the day b/c you have no time..." Reading up on your posts. I KNOW how you feel, we all do! I'm piecing too and some days are good and some days are bad, but the one thing I can tell you is that if you don't let go, you will destroy everything that you want so bad. If you want your marriage to survive, you have to let it go! Your H made horrible mistakes and probably will in the future but it sounds like to me he wants to be with YOU - not the ow. Your H, like mine, knew what his consequences would be but he got so caught up at the time it didn't seem to matter. Now, that the cloud lifted, he sees the damage and now he has to live with it. Piecing, IMHO is harder than walking away. You have to be goal oriented. Get through today, then tomorrow, then the next without snooping, loosing your temper, etc. Take one day at a time. Don't look at the big picuture right now, you're not ready for that. Take one day at a time. Get up in the morning with a positive attitude. Tell yourself "I'm happy today" and be happy throughout the day. Then when you go to bed, say to yourself "I made it -tomorrow I will decide to be more compassionate and then do that. One day at a time. That's what I do and again, sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not, but I pick myself up, set my goal for tomorrow and strive to meet that goal. ======== Please STOP try this excerise. what is the worst thing that you can imagine. I don't want to make things worse, but lets try it on for size. your h was gone. He was with OW in PA, even told her that he wanted to D you and M her. He was with her right up until the 2 of you began reconcilliation and ML. He wanted the best of both worlds. Told her XY&Z. made plans for the future. Even booked a cottage with her for New Years this year. What does that mean? Cat it means that he did stuff that would hurt for you to know. none of the things matter more than the other honestly. When he left, that was the worst punch that you had to take. All the rest of it is just part of the recipe. I've said this before about my sitch, maybe it will help you. One wrong or another doesn't matter which. they are all wrong. God does not have a sin scale. Once you realize that, you can stop comparing them. Now that you have the worst of the worst thought out. what's next. He came home, and you are working on things. The stuff that you are looking at, seeking out, torturing yourself with, that is all the past. Reality is that you are working on the future. The here and now is that he is with you. Don't wait to create a great day. God Bless you ,HH ======== Oh, honey. I don't even know what to say to you. I certainly won't lecture about the snooping b/c what's done is done. But don't look at any more of it, Cat. Just don't. I KNOW how hard that is to put feet to. I know how hard it is not to chew on that bone, and just gnaw on the things you already saw/read. I KNOW. Just sittin' here with you on the curb sipping my beer, b/c I am no pro at doing the right thing, but I can hang out here and hurt with you like nobody's business. Grieve what you need to grieve. Absolutely. But don't throw it in his face in a fit of emotional insanity. Put it elsewhere. Post here. Write in a journal. Talk to your C. PROCESS it first. Don't R talk. Don't A talk. Just sit still and work thru your emotions and get a game plan. Get centered. Get your head together. As much as you can, anyway, when your feet have been amputated out from under you. I know. Breathe in and out, Cat. It's all I know to do some days, honey. You WILL survive this. This will not consume you and you will be able to breathe without that elephant foot on your chest. I don't know when, but you will. Here is my favorite new verse from the Message bible : So here's what I think: The best thing you can do right now is to finish what you started last year and not let those good intentions grow stale. Your heart's been in the right place all along. You've got what it takes to finish it up, so go to it. Once the commitment is clear, you do what you can, not what you can't. The heart regulates the hands. 2 Corinthians 8:10 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19 If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3 ==========
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks. The reading has helped. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I was so deeply damaged even before I met my H, between my childhood and twenty years of bad decisions, that I'm possibly the exception that proves the rule. I cannot seem to recover no matter how much I try to re-direct my thoughts. I talked to my doctor and apparently each episode of depression is more severe than the one before it, so I guess trying to do this without medication is a bad idea.
I'm just so angry at life right now. In the past seven months my husband has had an affair then walked out on me, my mother moved away, I had to give up my dreams of making family a priority and find a real job (on the plus side, I have been promoted to CFO at my new company), and my best friend died in December of cancer. That's the last seven months, now I'm in the middle of my own cancer scare (more tests tomorrow) and I'm looking back on my life and I'm just angry. I'm partly angry at myself and partly angry at God and mostly angry at the man who was supposed to love and protect me.
He is a dream husband and has been since January. He was making some efforts from Oct-Dec, but January he really turned around and became the kind of man any woman would be thrilled to have as a husband, and now I'm just going through the motions as much as possible and making his life Hell far too often. He feels so horrible about everything, you would think that would be enough for me, but I'm so tired of starting over, picking myself up and believing in better things to come. Every time I do I just get knocked down harder and I'm ready to admit that life has kicked my a$$.
I just needed to write a little. I think I'll start posting more often again just to see if getting it out will help at all. Of course, the advice is always great and I will do my best to try anything anyone recommends. I'm stuck and willing to try anything at this point.
H-44 M-36 Married 6/7/03 8/17/06 - H not sure he wants to be married any more 8/17/06-present - Just crawling through the rubble that's left of my life 2/8/07 - H admitted affair
so I guess trying to do this without medication is a bad idea.
I personally had been trying to battle my severe anxiety and depression also for years. I can do this alone , I do not need meds etc. etc. I said all those things to myself. And now that I take them it is like nite and day. I am still me only better. Life seems more manageable now. THE BENEFITS for me outweigh the side effects. Its up to you sweetie but for me the way I see it now is MY GOD why didnt I take these @ 4 years ago when the Dr suggested it? It took a very severe Panic attack for me to start taking them a few weeks ago. Sad really~
I look back now and see that alot of what has happened was b/c I was living in the fog that depression leaves you in.
I thought I could do it alone and if I would have realized with just a little help life could be sooooooooooooooooooo much brighter for me.
It a personal decision really~ .... but I remember the day I went to the DR. I was still saying no thanks I do not want to take meds... and his respone was.... Wouldnt you like it if you didnt have to feel like this everyday? And with TEARS coming down my face. I finally said " YES I would." And that was that. Think about you and take care of yourself. You will be in my prayers.
I also suffer from depression and attempted suicide last June. I am a lot better now because of 2 things. One, I take my meds as instructed. Secondly, I pray, and pray alot asking for Jesus to help me. You sound like me and I also had a terrible childhood and many of us on this site have also had poor childhoods, with abuse and things like that. I too felt I had no hope. And I also brought this thinking in my marriage.
My W used to try and help me in some ways, but in other ways, she was very controlling which made the situation even worse.
Its a waste of energy for you to be angry, I know, I speek from experience. You need to stop being angry with yourself and your husband. Most important, do not be angry at God. The situation you are in is not something that God wills, but the devil enjoys. The devil is laughing at you and at me but I have prayed alot and have made many changes within myself because I only have control to change me, no one else. Don't let Satan win because that is what he wants.
I think you are fortunate that your husband has made some changes since January and you said so yourself that he has become the kind of man any women would be thrilled to have as a husband. I have made many changes too and my wife is treating me the way you are treating your husband. Your husband feels horrible about his past decisions so he is sorry.
You need to forgive your husband and I only wish someone would tell that to my wife. If we are truly sorry, everybody deserves to be forgiven the way Christ forgives us. If you do not forgive, Jesus will not forgive you and then what will happen to your eternal soul?
You say you are stuck and that is because you choose to be stuck. Let go of it. God loves us all and please pray often and give to God all your worries and heartaches. Believe me, God can do anything, nothing is impossible for God.
I know you're right about choosing to be stuck. That's kind of the problem . . . how do I choose NOT to be stuck? How do I find the strength to believe again? How do I convince myself that it's worth it to pick myself up again, dust myself off again, start over again, and believe in a better tomorrow AGAIN?
I know what I need to do, I know what will work and what won't, I'm just not sure how to make myself believe that it matters any more.
Our SS Lesson was on what you talked about, forgiveness. I am unclear on what exactly forgiveness means. If it means that I don't want him to pay any more for what he's done, then he's forgiven. If it means that it instantly disappears from my mind, then I can't. It's just another part of who I am now, just another chapter in a long line of crappy chapters of my life. I can't just put this one away, I've done it too many times and I think my heart, mind and soul are all just too tired to do it any more.
H-44 M-36 Married 6/7/03 8/17/06 - H not sure he wants to be married any more 8/17/06-present - Just crawling through the rubble that's left of my life 2/8/07 - H admitted affair
Okay, I'm feeling somewhat better today. My poor husband went through his own hell. He dealt with it in his own way. There are moments when I can accept that and it looks like this is one of them . . . I like those moments!
Today is going to be hard, the cancer screening is at 11:00 this morning, then we have our first marriage counseling appointment at 7:00 tonight. I'm not sure which one I'm more worried about. We tried a counselor in August, but it was a fiasco. I think this time we're going to make it clear from the start that we're not interested in pointing fingers or re-hashing the ugly things, we're just there to learn how to move FORWARD.
I look back and I get so confused over how, when and why it all happened, but I need to remember that he's confused over the same things. He's really not sure how, when or why it happened, either. Maybe this counselor can help us both put the monsters away for good.
We have so many great things planned for the future . . . we have "Date Night" every Saturday night, we have a "grown-ups only" getaway planned for one weekend a month, we have a family vacation planned in June, we have lots of great things to look forward to, all I have to do is turn my head around and look that way.
H-44 M-36 Married 6/7/03 8/17/06 - H not sure he wants to be married any more 8/17/06-present - Just crawling through the rubble that's left of my life 2/8/07 - H admitted affair
I see a lot of positives in your R. Both you and your husband are looking to move forward. You said that your H has is own stich too so I am assuming he is also DB'ing like you.
To forgive someone you need to forgive and be Christ like. Now for us humans, that may seem impmosible. But if we are truly sorry for our sins, and make a sincere confession, Jesus will always forgive us. Then, once Christ forgives us, and this is key, Christ forgets our sins. If Jesus did not forget our sins, then He would always hold that against us and no human being could ever be saved.
I think though as human beings, someone who has wronged us can never be forgotten because its just in our memory. So give yourself a break there because it won't disappear from your mind.
To love someone means you do not hold a grudge and bring up past wrong doings of your partner. My wife has brought up that I ruined her 40th birthday party, 3 years ago, several times. I apologized for my behavior once, twice and 3 times but she still brings it up in my face. My conclusion on this, she hasn't forgiven me for it yet. I will not grovel and apologize to her again for it because it has no effect anyway. To define love, read below what St. Paul said in his letter to the Corinthians.
1 Corinthians 13 (New International Version) Love 1: If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2: If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3: If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing. 4: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5: It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6: Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7: It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8: Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9: For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10: but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11: When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12: Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I know its hard, believe me, I know too well, but don't give up. I have to tell myself this everyday, and more then once a day. CY
