I found out about OW back in December. We tried until the first week of Jan. to make things work. He moved out first week of Jan to go live in a tiny apartment with OW. OW is divorced twice with three kids none of which live with her full time. This told H nothing. End of Jan on my birthday the 31 he moved back lasted 5 days and withdrawl for OW got the best of him. He has always told me he loved me. He has had a hard time dealing with the guilt and had no counseling. In January I did the whole call, texting, begging, chasing, inviting to dinners with me and our two kids. BTW our daughter is 11 and our son is 8. At the beginning of Jan it was this is my choice I love her but by the end of the month he was missing us so much and had softened. He is now back there with her and everyone had told me to back off. I had a hard time until this past week. Last Sunday morning he was rude to me on the phone in front of OW and I decided to give space then. I started seeing Counselor this past week. She explained why I can not chase and why I cant initiate contact. Ow is also having surgery next week a hysterectomy. Back in Jan when I would ask him to come home it was always I promised to get her through her surgery. Anyway counselor said this is perfect timing to do no contact because OW will be kind of out of range for him and I will be not as available either. Okay I understand all this and I have become closer to God through all of this. What are the other aspects to this besides not initiating contact? Should I still talk to him about how is night or day is going when he calls? Should I ever invite him to anything? He has to drive 30 minutes to our home now to help with kids and I know that will wear on him as well. Not to mention we just bought this house last Spring and now he is with her in a dinky apartment. Any other advice and any other insight will help. Everyone has said no way will this work because she wont stay with him knowing she cant meet his family. They have already made it clear she isnt welcome, she will not be around our kids, so no holidays. They really have nothing together. My husband has told me he would not divorce me because I can not refinance our home on my wage and he said he wouldnt do anything to cause us to lose our home. Okay sorry so long and sorry I am rambling. What does everyone else think????????
alone I am sorry to hear about your situation. I know that one positive that has come out of this for me is finding my spirituality. I recommend a book by Joyce Meyers called Battlefield of the Mind. I am taking a class actually on this. You can also find helpful information at Joycemeyer.org. there are articles and things. I am getting my copy of Divorce Remedy next week. I sure hope that the no contact works. The way that I figure is that I tried everything else so why not try this. As a man, do you prefer to do the chasing? I am thinking that this whole thing works differenly depending on if you are a man or woman.
that's an awesome book sl, I love it. Another great book you need to read is "Love is tough" by J Dobson, it will explain you the whole "chasing" thing (pretty much, let him be in what mess he's put himself in and that you should find your confidence again).
Call him now and then. When my H was away I still invited him over to my family's outings, but I was very casual about it, like it wouldn't break my heart if he didnt come, keep your cool at all times.
Hang in there, I also found God again, and I think sometimes we need a wake up call like this to realize where we've gone wrong.
Another great read is For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn. Hang in there, it is a long ride, but you will be fine.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat how long was your husband gone? The OW had a hysterectomy two days ago. He stayed at the hospital with her. Everyone has told me to let her be the nagging one and complaining one. I have been told they will both tire of this situation because there is no place for their relationship to go. I am trying hard to hang on to patience.
You will learn a lot when you read DR. Also, if you get a chance read "Not Just Friends" By (I think) Shirley Glass.... and then take a look at "Getting Back Together," "For Women Only" and then basically pick up all affair/relationship/marriage books you can and skim though them.
But DR, will really give you good advice on your sitch. Make a "cheat sheet" which you hide in a safe spot (where husband won't find!) and read, re-read and try to commit to memory useful information you learn there. Doing that REALLY helped me!!!
By the way, I think there's a difference between chasing and occassional invitations for events. Because he wants to see his kids (and you want to keep that relationship strong) I think it's okay to invite him over to see what he's missing (as long as he's interested in coming over and all contact is very positive... you want him creating good memories of you and the kids). I always made sure I looked STUNNING (and sexy!) when husband came over (either to visit, pick up kids, etc..), and I was always cordial, friendly (but not overly so)... although I would be a little flirty sometimes!!!, joking, happy... I made sure I asked him lots of friendly questions (nothing personal or about OW), about work, how he was doing, feeling, health, family,etc... Let him talk about himself and just listen and be supportive. As books on men point out, men want respect. A little ego building is nice too!
Another thing. My husband loves his kids too and I knew he missed them terribly. I also know my husband tends to dislike being "left out" of family events. So during the divorce I made sure I did a lot of fun things with the kids. I took them to festivals, museums, outings, etc... and I'd take lots of photos, and put them up in the house so my husband could see all the fun things he was missing by not being with his family.
Another thing, even though I'm pretty clean about my house, I made sure whenever he was over it was VERY "homey." Candles, flowers, positive vibes, a place that anyone would want to live in. Of course, now that he's back I try to keep it the same way!!! He's going out of town tomorrow, but I'll make sure the house is clean and nice before he leaves and I'll put flowers in the vases and that way he'll take with him good mental snapshops of his home and family when he's not here.
So.... my suggestion is stop worrying about OW and focus on yourself and your kids. Use this "break" from your husband to rework yourself into an even more amazing person!
Running thanks for the advice. I need all of the advice that I can get. My goal this weekend is to get the house cleaned up. I am so busy that I haVent been putting the effort into the house as I should. It was very messy when he was here yesterday and that is something I want to change. I try to always wear things I know he likes to see me in and I am working on losing weight. How do I deal with issues as far as him helping with the kids. For instance this week I need him for something every day. His comment last night was well that is every day and I said well being a parent is every day. I said it takes two to raise children. I also couldnt resist getting in a dig about her because she doesnt have her kids. I said having them two days is a glorified babysitter. I said parenting is full time. If he bails on me on any of the days I need him my friend said I should say okay you have a good evening I have to go now and hange up the phone. She said it will bother him more than anything I could say to him. Also last night when he went to leave kids were upset that he was leaving and didnt give him the mushy love he is used to them giving him. I told him that they are just upset he is leaving and then I said dont think what you are doing isnt affecting the kids and he turned around then left. I dont want to screw this up.
I have found a great website http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com if you go down to bottom of the page and read the archives, it has a lot of what is in the book. My H didnt think all this would affect the kids, but it does. He kept telling me that I was the one making them upset and they would soon get over it. Well it has been 7 months and they still dont want to go to his house with her there. They have even told him that they will nevr like her. He just says I have been corrupting them. Since New Years he has not pressured them to go to his house. See his mom is against the kids being around her and they have to stay at her house. Ha!Ha!
DR will give you a lot more direction--one thing to pay special attention to is that pointing out the obvious (i.e. parenting is full time, what you're doing is affecting the kids) while true, is something that will most often have the opposite effect from what you want.
I fully understand your issues with needing/wanting more help with the kids--I have three under age five myself, and every day is exhausting. The thing that has probably given me the most strength, is acceptance of the reality that for now, I'm a single parent. It's not what I ever wanted, but it's true. And I am a whole lot stronger than I ever realized before all this happened. Worst case scenario: I remain a single parent. If that happens, I'm already prepared! If it doesn't, I'm so much happier with myself--I know I can do ANYTHING. You can too.
Not only clean up but toss out lots of stuff. Donate junk, get rid of stuff, just totally dejunk your life. I've found having less stuff feels really good. It's like having a weight lifted.
Why do you need so much help with the kids? If your husband died tonight in a car accident what would you do? Yes, it certainly is ideal to have two parents raising kids, and being a single parent is VERY difficult (I know because I've done it at times -- with two special needs kids, one autistic! -- and I was raised by a single parent), but sometimes there is no choice and at this point you need to consider that your husband may not come back and you need to start living as if he was gone.
Yes, I think most people know not having dad around effects the kids. In the beginning of the divorce I told my husband these things, but I eventually realized that saying this only made him dislike me more. In time, he could see on his own what it was doing to the kids, and I think him coming to that conclusion without me telling him or blaming him made it much more effective.
One more thing... I know your husband said he won't divorce you, but when a man is addicted to another woman you need to be prepared for anything. For custody and to minimize any possible future contact between your children and OW, you're better off being the more involved parent. It looks much better in court. Not that you're going to end up there!!! But always think ahead.
Last edited by runningoutoftime; 03/03/0701:58 AM.
Thank you both for your information it really has helped me. I took a step backwards tonight got down but thanks for my mom in law which has been a rock to me through all of this,I finally realize what I need to do. He called tonight, I answered and he talked to the kids. When he got on the phone with me( he is a city police officer and normaly works nights) I asked so you going into work soon and he says no I took the night off. Then I said so going tomorrow night? He said no I took the whole week off. Which means he spent Monday and Tues at the hospital with OW took off wed thur friday and sat nights. He wont go back in until this next wed. I said you sure are missing a lot of work and he said well I had some vacation time. I said wow amazing. He said okay I am going to go. I said funny anyone else I know that had a hysterectomy sure didnt have that luxury. He said okay bye and we hung up. As soon as I hung up, I freaked because I knew I had screwed up. Instead of have a good evening and reacted because I was hurt. So I have decided his calls will go to voicemail. That way I can listen to what he has to say and collect my thoughts. If it is to talk to the kids, I will give them the message and the option to call their dad. I wont force them to. I have to become unavailable which I havent done really.I did stop initiating contact as far as phone or texting but when he is here then I always hang around. I am not doing that anymore. His mother isnt calling him either. We decided that if the entire family backs off of him and he has to really deal with this we will accomplish much more.
