Life of Job

[rabsnider]

I kind of feel bad towards my kids. I told them that what their father is doing is wrong, but he is your father and he loves you no matter what happens. In the begining of the affair, their father was very distant with the kids. Only had them on his weekend and now he has them 2 nights a week and calls them on the nights he doesnt have them. I am very proud of him for that. Just dont know if I should tell him or not. He was never that close to the kids. Didnt go to soccer games much. Now he goes to everyone of them.
I wont let the kids go to his house with her there. They dont like her(I use to watch her kids). He was pushing them at first and now relises that they are hurting and dont wan to be around her.
I guess let them now that things happen and sometimes dont know why. But dont condemn your mother for doing it.
Affairs are, I call, temporary insanity. They are confused and THINK they are doing the right thing. Which the right thing would be either work things out or get a divorce first.
Hope this helps some
Take care
rabsnider

[Heartbroken]

8 - you did a wonderful job with your daughter and I hope to follow your lead. My D(13 in June) just asked me about my friend who happens to be the Ow - I am not sure if she is fishing or just concerned we no longer talk (Ow and &). I hope to spare her from these ugly details if possible, but need to be prepared that the truth will come out, especially if H thinks he'd rather continue with Ow - then does it come down to a choice of his own daughter or Ow?? I cannot imagine a 13yr old wanting to be with the person that helped destroy her family... I think of these things everyday.

I do NOTHING to tarnish their Dad's image in their eyes - at some point in their lives they will figure it all out. They will know how much I have tried and how high a road I have taken and I hope to only lead by example. D may be in my future and it may not be - I need to be prepared for both to be the best Mom for my two kids!!

You are a wonderful Dad and I thank you for your words of wisdom!

HB

[81388*]

RS and HB; Thank you for those kind words. I just know at this point that if I have any chance at all, it is as her friend. As for the kids, we have always been a team(wife and I) what one said spoke for both and the kids knew it. very few times where the kids even attempted to play one against the other, so for now this is not much of a stretch for me to continue.

[81388*]

Theoden;

My broken heart goes out to you brother. It wasn't until this afternoon that I realized the depth of your pain. My friend, we are cut from the same cloth.

I too see things as black and white, I always have. Mine has been a world of moral absolutes. Things have always been either right or wrong, not a lot of middle ground, if any.

You have been there for me and given me so much to think about, I hope that I can do the same for you.

The problem with moral absolutes is that they can work against each other. Which is more important, not comitting adultry or honoring you mother? I think that is why it was made so clear that the two that are most important are to love God and to love each other as ourselves. When we do those two, the others fall into place.

So where does that leave the two of us? The pain and anger that we feel is the result of those who have loved themselves above all others. Above their husbands, children, and their God. If our response is to condem, even indirectly, then we fall short.

Why do you think it is through this infidelity that we are being tested? I think that for me it is because it is what I value most. You touched on this the other night. My idol has been my wife and my family. I was a good man because my wife and children were happy and well cared for. Whatever they needed, I could provide. Although we taught them about God, I expected them to rely ONLY on me.

The other reason is because I can be so hurt by the breaking of the bonds of trust. We are men of honor, our word is our bond. When we say we will, then come hell or high water it will be done. We tend to attribute this quality to others once we accept them into our close circle. I even gave that benefit to the OM before I knew the truth. Why? Because my wife, who was seated at the head of the round table vouched for him, and that has always been good enough for me.

How much more difficult to be betrayed by not one, but two people you have loved. With some men I would be concerned that they would not understand the use of love in that sentance, but I feel certain you do.

I have been blessed in this world with two best friends. The first was and still is the guy I grew up with. He too stood at my wedding and once again vowed that he would help me stand in the face of all adversity. He again vowed allegence to me and my family as he stood at the font with my baby girl in his arms and swore before God that he would do everything in his power to help raise this child in a way that is consistent with His will. I have and continue to be fortunate that he has been good to his word.

The other has been my wife. We were invinceable. It didn't seem to matter what we took on, we knew we would succeed. Our courtship was turbulent, but passionate. I think we thrived in that environment. I never had any doubt that my wife would personally hold back the gates of hell for me and our family and felt secure in the knowledge that I would do the same for her.

To have lost one of these friends is incredibly painful and confusing, I can't even contemplate loosing them both. The unfaithfulness of your wife is only magnified by that of your best friend.

You have helped me to see that we are called to share in the sacrifice of Christ himself. How much did he suffer for the "pleasure" of sacrificing himself while we were yet sinners.

My friend, every fiber of my proud human nature wants to shout from the rooftops and the street corners at how contemptable my wifes behavior is, how injust it is, how unfaithful she has been to our bond of honor and committment, but at the same time I see that for what it is. It is an attempt to draw me in. To tempt me to my basest behavior.

I am confident over time that I will be able to continue to teach and show my children what is expected of them as christians. If and when the truth comes out, and they have difficult questions to ask, I will honestly answer them to the best of my ability, if I don't have those answers I will make it my quest to find them. If they ask why mom did what she did, I will tell them they will have to ask her, because I simply do not know.

I am confident that if God can lead me through this, he will lead me through the continued rearing of my children, so that as they grow, even if they turn away they will return.

Peace be with you my brother, and may God wrap you in His loving arms, take your burdens, and reassure you that as a man of honor you will be given everything that you need to stand in the face of this hellish attack and live to fight another day. Rest well my friend, we have so much more to give then we think.

[theoden]

8,

Thanks.

I know you understand.

But, as you point out, will I be consumed by love or by rage?

Today, I'll choose love.

Thank you very much.

--Theoden

[osu43130]

8,
How are you doing brother?

Got a couple of things for you.....

I could stand up and name the sin for what it is and condemm their mother, but in the process what example do I set for them about forgiveness? When the thing does go south, what are they going to remember, that Dad stood up for his principles?

Do not condem her. It is not our job to do that. IMHO There is one person that can judge people and that is not either one of us. I know it is hard not to say something when you feel that your morals are being sacraficed. However, what the kids do need is a strong loving father that did everything he could do to save their family. That is what they will remember when this is all said and done...You do not want them to have any negative feeling towards you at all. So condeming the W will do nothing to justify what you main goal is and that is taking care of you and your kids. Let the W show her a$$ to the kids. They are not dumb they will see what is going on and figure it out on their own who is the wrong individual here and they will take action in their own way. You job is to simply provide love and security for them....

I in no way intend to leave it at "it is OK" for people to do this to each other

Show your kids through your action. As long as you are there for them they will learn from you.

I have no intention of remaining friends with wife if we are ever divorced, I would find that too painful

I feel you there brother, however, you do have kids and will have to remain civil for the kids sake. I am not friends with my STBX either but I will not let the kids know that nor will I talk bad about her in front of the kids either. When she is around and she is around everyday, I simply act "AS IF". It is hard sometimes but it is what is best for my kids.

Just my 2 cents brother..

[81388*]

Theoden;
Your welcome brother.
It is a choice, so continue to choose love. Have a great day!

[81388*]

Hey Ben, How you doing?

Thanks for your .02, that is what I was trying to say.

I know that by doing anything negative towards W, I would destroy my kids view of me. It never has been acceptable for anyone to attack Mom or any of us in any way, that is the way they were/are being raised.

When I say I wouldn't be friends with her, I don't mean I would be mean or resentful. H#ll, there are billions of people that I am not friends with but would treat them with respect because they are human beings. I just mean that I would not be able to be buddies with her. I know we will always be parents together, and with that comes some interaction, but I would not be comfortable with the twisted picture she has of a seamless, binuclear family where everybody likes each other and enjoys spending time together.

I would continue to be civil, and respectful, but that is about it.

Thanks for checking in bro, hope your doing well.

[osu43130]

I am doing good and you kinda scared me there for a minute. You blasted me a couple of time for the same thoughts...

Just remember sometimes we have to sacrafice our morals for a greater cause and our kids are just that. Yes our W's are nut cases and seem to have a twisted way of veiwing what is right and what is wrong but again she will have to pay for that on her own time.

Take care brother.
Ben

By the way. My sitch really has not changed much. The temporary custody hearing is on the 21st. It willprobably get pretty ugly after that...

[theoden]

8,

Wow....hard stuff to think about.

I'm gonna vent....

Co-parenting. Ouch.

I imagine we are also supposed to be civil to the OM, too if our spouses end up marrying them -- for the sake of our kids.

What's the future hold? An amicable divorce where I'm a weekend dad and the OM gets to raise my sons and daughters? That fuck-face gets to steal my wife AND kids? Oh yeah, where I live, mothers generally get principle custody. By the way, he's been chronically unemployed for years. Imagine this -- I get to pay alimony, which might support him financially.

I don't want my kids to be civil towards him. As a Christian, I wuold want them to forgive him and love him. But my goodness, I sure would love it if they made his life a living hell. ;-)

I...can't....even...breathe...when I think of this.

I'm getting far ahead of myself...this may never happen. Maybe I should start my own thread.

--Theoden.