Nothing to pick up on, I thought it was pretty clear. I don't know what your particular situation is, nor do you know mine, but I have enough self-esteem to move my life forward if it comes to that. I have asked myself if I want to be with someone that doesn't want me, and my answer is NO.
I certainly appreciate your position on working harder and longer to put your marriage back together. I hope and pray that your strategy works for you if you are going through a similar situation. It is a terrible thing, and a very painful/hurtful thing to experience. I have been there and I still am there. I have tried everthing I know of to try to get my spouse engaged in putting our marriage back together. I have been rebuffed on all attempts. All I need is a little willingness and openness on her part to work on our marriage. If that happened, I'd be 100% involved in anything to restore our marriage. I will not put my life on hold indefinitely for someone that does not know what they want. People seem to think that my poor wife hasn't had a husband that wanted her in seven years--that street runs both ways, for seven years I haven't had a wife that wanted me. She started this divorce process, and she can end it; I have no or very little control over the situation. She knows of my willingness and openness to work on our marriage. She has the ball, I will give her time to do something with it, but at some point, I will have to move on with my life. I am very surprised that people see this as me abandoning the marriage, with little thought as to what my spouse has done to begin this whole divorce process. The two months thing is an arbitray figure, I could wait for 22 months if I have hope. As of right now, I have no hope. I have accepted that I cannot do this on my own.
It seems that your point of view on this is very narrow.
Please. I'm one of the most wide-open people you will find on this board. Sheath your claws.
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Do you think the man is solely responsible for starting all of the physical contact in a relationship?
Nope. Not at all. I'm not for simpering men, either. It's very unattractive to the female species.
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I am certainly not waiting on my wife to make this work. She cannot make this work on her own any more than I can. The difference is that I tried for two months after the bomb was dropped to try to get her into counseling, tried to engage her in conversation, etc. only to be rebuffed on all attempts.
Tell me exactly HOW you tried. If you were placating and coming off as begging and wimpering... it won't work. I would bet the farm your woman has a man on the side, if not in a PA, then in an EA. You cannot tell me, in all honesty, in the SEVEN years that you gave up on sexual affection and lost all hope for communication that you would LET your wife flounder and HOPE she would find her own way. Marriage is a partnership, afterall, and you dropped YOUR FAIR SHARE of the bargain. If you can at least admit that, then there might be hope for you. You are here, afterall. Tells me you want to work on the marriage, but really, you have no clue. BTDT. Everyone here has.
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I love my wife. I want to spend the rest of my days with this woman. I have accepted that this may not be possible.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. THAT is your problem. Placating all OVER the place.
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That being said, I cannot wait forever for someone that doesn't know what they want to do. She wants a divorce, she can get one. She is making no attempt to get one, nor is she making any attempt to reconcile our differences.
Exactly. She is making no attempt. I can tell you, if she wanted one, if she wanted to go on the offensive, she would. I did. She is waiting for you to TAKE THE LEAD. And.. I am glad you have gotten yourself a life, I am glad you are getting yourself back into shape, I am glad you are taking this attitude... however, if you want to save your marriage... cut out the poor me crap. Take the lead. A man leads, a woman follows. She is slapping you upside your head, in the only last way she knows how...
Now. If you want to get in my face about all this, bring it on. If you want to shut your azz up and fix your marriage, then by all means, lose the 'tude, and be the bright, intelligent, capable man that we all know on this board you can be.
And stop getting in my face. I'm trying to help you.
I have no idea what TROLL means (other than to fish or a very small creature). I will make no assumptions as to what context is being applied to the word in your post. However, if you have something to say to me or about me, please be an adult---say it!
Let me tell you soemthing. People who show up on this particular forum are ready to roll their sleeves up. No one is saying that you don't have gripes... we all do. Everyone does. But that doesn't help you in your current sitch, as you are here, and your spouse isn't.
So.
If you want to save your marriage, by all means, you will get help here. Seriously. And we'll get in your face about it, too. But you have to lose the 'tude, brother. No one is blameless. Sorry.
You might be right Corri. I may have no clue. I have never found myself in this situation before.
As far as a man on the side--if that's going on, I don't want her back. If I find out that something of this nature is going on, she WILL be leaving our home.
I have never begged or simpered for anything, nor will I ever lower myself to that. It's not only unpleasant for women to see, but for men to see as well (and no, my wife is too much of a woman to lower herself to this level and I would never expect nor wish her to). You have read me completely wrong if you think that I am here with a poor, poor, pitiful me attitude or a woe is me attitude. I am not looking for anyones sympathy, including yours; I am here to see what I can do that I haven't already tried to save my marriage.
How did I try? Well, I found a respected marriage counselor in our area and setup all of the visits to our marriage counselor, when she no longer wanted to go to the counselor I continued to go. I was nice when I was being told that I wasn't wanted and that she had no intention of working on our marriage. She has never once admitted to, said that she was sorry for, or accepted responsibility for anything that she did or didn't do to put us on this path. I have apologized to her and accepted responsibility for my actions or inactions in our marriage. When she went to the counselor all she talked about was divorce.
So, I feel that I've done my share to rectify our marital problems. As stated earlier in this post, I will not beg anyone to be with me or stay with me. I will not beg someone to meet me half way. If they have no desire to work with me on problems, so be it. I am thankful everyday that the good Lord has given me the common sense, and the peace that goes along with it, to not squander my time and efforts on any issue that I cannot fix by myself.
As far as an attitude, you're correct, I have one. I will not eat S**T from anyone that tells me or implies that I have not attempted to save my marriage or that I have not been a man in my marriage or in this situation.
I didn't come here to fight with anyone. That's simply foolish and unproductive. I didn't come here for that. If you think that I have been disrespectful to you, I sincerely apoligize. If we cannot be respectful of one another in our communications, I would rather not communicate.
You and I have a completely different perspective on what I can and cannot do to put my marriage back together. It appears to me that you think that I am in total control of this situation and that all responsibility for putting my marriage back together rests on my shoulders. I don't agee with that if I am understanding you correctly. Because I do love my wife and do have respect for her I will not pester her about this. If she is using a ploy here to engage me in our relationship (waiting to see if I take the lead), she has made a terrible miscalculation. My wife has known me for 16 years; I will be very disappointed if she is gambling with our marriage.
Yeah, you're right again. I am a bright, intelligent, capable man.
You're right, your work is no one's business, but it is your wife's. The reason I asked is that in spite of your chest thumping, trying to convince yourself that you are a man's man, I get all kinds of acating from you too. I suspect your anger is really toward yourself because your woman has one-upped you in the workplace and you feel emasculated.
That is a tough load for any man to bear but the state of your marriage and your general sense of victimization tell me this your self imposed sense of helpless is really fueling that fire.
I was going to ask whether any kind of job training might help re-start your career path, but I don't think that will help. If you play victim at home then you probably play victim at work.
Where in any of this is the male strength, leadership and security that will make your wife want to follow you? Or your co-workers want to follow you? Getting angry, withdrawing, sulking and waiting for your wife to rescue you is not the answer.
I'm being tough on you but you asked for it. Now show how you can be a leader and start practicing the example you need to show your wife - how to examine and fix your faults and take responsibility for your actions. You want her to do this, right? Don't make me come back at you because you can't bring yourself to do what you ask of a woman.
That was supposed to read "I get all kinds of placating from you."
Seeing your reply to Corri I am sure you have NOT tried everything to repair your marriage. Honesty, sincerity and vulnerability are not in your vocabulary. Revenge and control seem to be your main tools.
If your wife is seeing someone else, then you are going to have to turn yourself around. Like Corri says, I don't see how your W can't at least have found a sympathetic man to talk to. If you were truly ready to walk away from this marriage you would not be anywhere near this angry, you would be resigned to the fact and you would just do it.
What I see is a man who is hurt and scared of losinng his wife, and embarrassed to admit that he may have already lost her. That doesn't mean you can't get her back, but you first need to drop the theatrics and admit to yourself that this is what you really want. If so, you need to set out to accomplish that, take on your reforms and make your plan on your own initiative and stop waiting for someone else (like your W) to do it for you.
