Huband just moved in with OW

[TabD]

Danu,
How are you doing today? Have a good day! I sure hope so. It is Friday the end of a work week, well for me anyways. I hope your weekend goes well... I will keep check up on you and see if you are the STRONG person you can be!!!

[Danu]

Hi Tab!

I'm having a pretty good day, thanks for asking. I have a miserable cold, but other than that it's a good day. I had a counseling app, and that always puts me in a good mood. I took her copies of some of the MLC stuff from this website last week and today we got to review it. She agrees with everything but the stages. She doesn't think we should go by that, as everyone comes through this differently.

My C recommended "The Dance of Intimacy", and I've been reading it. It's very good. One of those books everyone in the world should read.

Spent about an hour and a half chatting with my buddy (OW's H) He's doing well too. He's really starting to understand more and more.

Hope you have a good weekend too! I sure plan on it!

Thanks again,

Danu

[TabD]

Danu,
Stinks about the cold, but that will too pass

My weekend was good. H worked yesterday morning and didn't get home until 7:30p.m., when he new we had plans of friends coming over about 6. H had called and said he would be late but should be home by 6 at the latest... I guess you really can not believe a word they say.

Today H didn't work at all... we went to Perkins for "brunch". then did a few other errands... H had promised to help me in the bathroom (trying to fix it up a bit) but of course since the weather is in the mid 50's H was out tinkering on his Motorcycle. I just plugged away at it myself... H came in and said he would help... I said ok, but I am doing just fine... but he did come in and help after I cut my finger. So does that mean he does care?

I am having such a HARD time detaching... Any tips or pointers?

Then tonight I just got home from a belly dancing class... wow, more of a workout than I orginially thought it would be, but still fun, he took off on his bike. H tole me he had to run into work. He just left so we will see how long he is gone. I sure it will be quite sometime... can never just run and come home.

Anyways. I need to be with my D's. Have a great night!

Tab

[Danu]

Hi Tab!

Glad you had a good weekend. Me too. Now I've got the flu on top of a cold. Just goes to show you the physical manifestations of stress! But, I'm feeling good enough to go to work tomorrow, thank goodness.

Detaching was so hard for me with H living here. Now that he's gone it's much easier, even though I know he's with her. I was so hopeful and really believed my H wasn't going to leave that I just took it one day at a time, and if he wanted to be with me I was there for him. He left so infrequently, so my life was about the same until just before he left.

What really helped me to detach are all the insane things he's done since he left. I don't want to be around anyone who would do those things, so I'm actually happy he's gone! Also, I know that he has to go out there and see if the grass is really greener. It's all part of the process. It's just another step for him (I hope)

From what I understand from my male friend who went through his own MLC, they need lots of time alone to think. The thoughts run through their head so fast that they get overwhelmed.

I do have some good news I think.....OW paid her H a visit and it went well. She actually had tears in her eyes, and we're looking at this as a positive sign, along with her silence when he asks her if she's really going to file. She even let him hold her hand, hug her, put his arm around her, etc. We're trying not to read too much into this, of course, but at least she's not yelling and screaming at him anymore.

I spoke with my H, had to call him about getting some money to pay the bills. I reminded him that he was supposed to call me after payday, but all he said was that he was wondering why I hadn't called him. We chatted a little bit, he sounded like himself for once (I know she was there because he covered the mouthpiece and said something). He was very nice. We made plans for him to come over Tues (today) and he wanted to come at 9:00AM (I think so he could visit with me???) Anyway, because I got the flu I called his cell while he was at work and told him I was sick and didn't want to meet today, and told him to call me soon.

That's the update! Ha! Ha! Not much, but enough for a little hope.

Danu

[TabD]

Oh Honey, I am sorry about the flu, your right, look what stress can do...

Thanks for the pointers on Detaching, somedays I think it will be better when he is gone and easier for me, but yet i am scared for that day to come! You say to think of the insane things he has done. I can think of the past, b/c right now he H has been GREAT. and I don't want to think of the past, it is the past and there is nothing we or anyone can do to change that... I don't want to think about the future either, I don't want to think of H actually leaving our home we have together.... is that wrong of me?

I just get so confused on things that H says. Like Monday night he sat down and paid bills with me, he has never done that before, and as we were sitting there we were looking out side at the "mess" this weather is causing. H asked about finances and if he thought in the next few months or sometime this summer we could purchase a pressure washer so he could keep the patio clean as well as the garage and cars. I said we will wait and figure out financing in a couple of months b/c we have court with his Mom on 04/26/07 for "grandparent visitations". Long story maybe I could fill you in sometime. The reason I say this is b/c he has been head strong that when this is over with his Mom that he is moving out. this with his mom has been going on for almost 3 years (3 in May)

So I think if he does go it will make life better or should I say easier, but then I think that the way he has been acting the past 3 weeks is like the "old" guy is coming back. H has been more touchy feely (like he was in the past) and also much more snuggly at night. And let me tell you the Sex has been GREAT the last few times. Feels like to me that H is "trying"

I am still taking it day at a time and trying to make the best of everything that happens. B/c I have decided that i have to make my days GREAT... no one else will right?

You are such a great person helping OW's H... but that is Great if things are working out for them. I never like to hear or see someone getting a D... But my next thought is where does that leave your H if she does leave him? will H just come running back or take it out on you! I know you will protect yourself I just fear that for you... Oh wait here I am talking about the future

Danu, please take care of yourself, you will get better and out hooping it up before we know it.

hang in there

[Danu]

Thanks Tab!

If things are going well, then focus on that, because I think we have to live in the here and now with these MLC people. In my situation, things haven't been good since he moved out. Sure, he's been civil, even nice, but taking my kayak, leaving the condoms, sneaking in here to get his stuff after promising he wouldn't really make me mad. I think my H is deep in the sickness and I know there's nothing I can do to help him, and so having him gone is easiest on me. I also know he needs to be on his own to learn his lessons. This way I can still be his friend when he does have contact with me. I think you are doing the right thing, he's giving you the impression that he's not leaving, and I say roll with it like I did. The only other alternative would be to kick him out and I don't think that's right. He's got to feel safe with you, to make it easier for him to come back if he does leave.

I don't think OW is ready to go back to her H. It's only been 46 days since she left, and I think she's real confused too. I have no idea what will happen if she does go home. Certainly I'm hoping that would be the "hitting bottom" my husband would need to come out of this, if that kind of thing really works. I have decided that I don't want him to move back in unless he wants to rebuild our relationship. I wont go through another 11 months of his cell phone ringing with calls from other women. My H has never been physically violent, so don't worry about that. He's only been verbally abusive in the beginning when I pressured him for answers as to why he wanted to leave.

Danu

[TabD]

You are on the right track, I think! I haven't been thru this all yet, but what you are saying about not wanting him to come home until he wants to work on your M... I think that is right. But yet again I am not sure b/c my H hasn't left. so I will support you in anything you do and will be here for you!

I am glad and relieve that he was never Physically abusive... I would find a way to protect you. You seem so strong so I didn't believe that was the case... but you never know... Thanks for letting me know this.

Thanks... that makes sense... keep him "safe"... I know... I want our home to be a happy place... There isn't ever a whole lot of fighting here... which should help matters... And also if he does leave and wants to come back, he has to know he left on his terms, not me kicking him out, and that he can come back on MY or should I say "our" terms... b/c i do feel if he ever left then it would be something that we would have to set ground rules before he could return...

Well H just got home with the kids... have to Run.

Have a great night.. Hope you had a Good night!!!!

[Danu]

Hi Tab & everyone,

Here's the update. OW's husband chased them down the other day in his truck. He pulled in front of them and slammed on his brakes and made them stop. They refused to get out of their car and took off. The next day, OW went to see her folks and got into a big fight with her mother over the affair. Good grief, this is like watching a movie!

I met with OW's H for the second time and gave him the books Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy.

I am staying out of this whole thing, just kind of watching from the sidelines. Can't believe with all this going on that I'm actually doing pretty good mentally!

Danu

[TabD]

Hey Danu,
Glad everything is ok... And I think you are taking the right path and staying out of everything.

But how will this all play out? if OW's H, keeps pushing then OW will start being clingly to H and will that push him out of that relationship? Then what, will he come running back to you and where do we go from there?

I am sorry, I am kind of a downer today! things went well this weekend up until today when H was getting ready to leave for work. He left 1 hour early. I got upset and I must have let it show... H made a nasty remark and ran out the door. So I have that to ponder over until he gets home tonight at 11 or midnight.

Ok, enough about that. i hope you had a good weekend and I hope your week looks bright too!!!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Danu,

You are doing amazing well.
Keep your expectations low though ok?
I love it when the OM/OW acts crazier than we do/did.