Well, I thought things were looking better and H was seriously taking a hard look at re-evaluating what God wants him to do. Then, late last night he got all agitated and went on the internet. I asked him what he was doing and he got all nasty with me. The internet has not been a way for him to be in contact OW in the past - only cell phone/texts. Anyway, he was on some site where you can share videos. Oh God.. at first I thought that she made him a little porno video but the site says that they won't allow that. So, who knows what he was doing... She probably makes little videos of herself that he can look at and not forget her while they're apart. BARF!
Don't assume
Be patient. Pray
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I know.. you're right.. Like you said - it all just sucks!!
I do have a snooping problem. I feel like there are so many lies and that's the only way to find out what is really going on. On second thought - that may not even be a good gauge of reality since he is probably lying to her to keep her hanging on, too. hmmm...Well, at least I just walked out of the room yesterday and didn't say anything more about it.
But..is saying it's OK for him to leave if "that makes him truly" happy really honest? If it is..so be it. I could never say that honestly. --Theoden
I know this was written awhile ago, but just wanted to comment on it and share my own personal thought on this. My views may differ quite a bit from others, but it's a persepctive I want to share.
Even though it hurt and was not something I came to easily or quickly, eventually I honestly did want my husband to do what he thought might truly make him happy. I did believe his happiness would be with me and our children... however, I also felt that I had 20 years of a fairly good marriage, I had great kids and my husband did a lot for our family during that time. I was thankful for things I had and the years we were together as a family. If my husband thought he wouldn't be happy with me why would I force him or try to coerce him into staying somewhere he would be unhappy? Regardless of what he had done to hurt me, I did still love him and I honestly wanted him to do what would make him happy. If staying with me would make him unhappy and miserable I realized that wouldn't be a good situation for either of us.
Of course, regardless of what he "thought" he wanted, I did know where he'd be happiest (with me and the kids). But I needed HIM to realize that on his own. I knew there was no words I could say that would make it any different. This was a decision he needed to make on his own and it's something I realized I needed to support regardless of what decision he made.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I can't in my heart say what you are saying. I can't let go like that.
Maybe I'm a little too religiously constipated, I don't ever think that my wife can TRULY be happy by running off with the OM, even if she thinks/feels she is happy.
What if, in our ethical/religious understanding you believe that and affair and a divorce doesn't just "hurt my feelings", but is, fundamentally wrong?
There will always be someone out there who can make us happier than ther person we are with. What's the solution? Serial monogamy?
I'm sorry - you have struck a deep, deep nerve.
And I understand that DB says that a person will not come back to you because it's their "duty", but because they want to. I agree. But what does the marriage promise mean then?
And I realize we are trying to invite not indict. We are trying to attract nor coerce.
But is that a marriage? A place where, indeed, only our personal fulfullment is the barometer of the cohesion of the family? Is the marriage, really then, a situation of "What have you done for me lately?"
I also agree with you...I believe my wife's happiness will ultimately be fully fulfulled with me and the kids, and I realize SHE has to see that. I can't make her see it.
I just, in my heart, can't be that "zen" about it. I'm learning all this psycho-babble and practicing DB, but, for heavens' sake, can't we be HONEST with each other and say, "Yeah, adultery is a sin, divorce is a sin, and MLC are self-indulgent, destructive flights of fancy
By the way....contgatulations on your divorce busted.
I agree with you that the things you've described are sins and that MLC is self-destructive and that tearing apart a relatively healthy family is selfish (and maybe even evil!!!), but I didn't have control over what my husband thought. And trying to tell him what was good or bad only seemed to make him more determined to think differently than me.
Also, I needed to come to terms with the fact he was completely set on leaving ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN and I needed to make peace with that (for my own healing). Being in divorce with someone who has finally decided to "get off the fence" and finally leave doesn't give you much options. During prior separations (My husband was in MLC for about 3 or 4 years before the divorce), I didn't have this attitude and hadn't detached. I'd make promises of changing, would make those changes and basically tried to be exactly what he wanted. It was like constantly walking on eggshells!!! Anyhow, I had no choice but to let go... and even if what he did hurt a lot of people I believed in my marriage vows, I never stopped loving my husband so I chose to support him in whatever decision he made (even if I disagreed.I did share my personal thoughts... just never hit him over the head with it or tried to make him feel bad or guilty... I knew he was basically good and would eventually come to that on his own... someday!). I even chose to be his friend. In doing so I KNEW he'd probably never find someone who loved him more. To love unconditionally and without any demands or expectations...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I appreciate your expressiveness, in many ways you have stated my inner dialogue so much more eloquently than I can! I truly believe that H has to make his decision entirely on his own, and though it hurts, I would much rather he stay away until he is firmly commited to me and our family. I have no desire to be his 'ball and chain', with whom he stays out of obligation. That said...
Theo,
Both H and I come from deeply religious upbringings, and I have struggled mightily over this very issue--the need for me to love H unconditionally, and the knowledge of just how deep and spiritually crippling his sins are--not only to me and the kids, but more importantly, to himself.
I don't have specific answers per se, but I have decided that it's in God's hands. It's not my responsibility to persuade, judge or condemn, but only to love. Unconditionally. He'll make up the rest. Now or later, I can't say, but that's the test. Can I be patient and open and free from bitterness and resentment? I wasn't sure about those things for a long time, but now I can say, YES!
Running, I admire your ability to let go. I have just recently come to the conclusion that I needed to back off and that the more I tell him what he needs the more he will do to prove me wrong. My H moved in with OW first of Jan then moved back home for 4 or 5 days. He left yet again Feb 5th. His OW had a hysterectomy this week. She has played this to the hilt. He even took two days off from work to help care for her. I could really use some extra advice if you want my email is slmom9598@yahoo.com I keep thinking that he is going to realize this on his own. He will wake from this fog. I am holding onto God and patience. He says he loves me. I know he does. He thinks he is "inlove' with the OW though and I come to the conclusion that it is him that has to realize it is not love but infactuation. Our home is 30 miles from the apt. he is living in with her. So, every time he sees the kids or helps with them he is having to drive 30 mins. I am getting DR this weekend. I did print out the first chapter from online. Would anyone show that to their wayward spouse or should I just read the book and leave him alone?
Hey Lonelyolive, Sorry for hijacking your thread!!!
Aud, you have the right idea, and Theoden you're going to get there.
Slmom, I'll try to look for your thread and share anything I think might be helpful. I liked DR enormously (helpful when you're in separation or D) and I learned a lot from it. "Not Just Friends" and "Getting Back Together" were tremendsouly helpful for me too. They really helped me develop a healthy strong perspective about things. Now I'm reading "For Women Only" and another book on communication that are awesome.
I think reading a lot of books like these during times of relationship upheaval is crucial. It really helps one stay grounded, grow and heal. Do not show these books to your spouse!!! When I felt there was a particular section my husband might find helpful I did photocopy it leaving the name off (so he didn't know what book I was sharing). The problem with this is some spouses see it as controlling and oftentimes that's just what they are trying to escape. So in general I tried to avoid this type of thing...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
