Valentines infidelity-help!

[jzp]

Well, I read that it's easiest to catch an affair on Valentines day and unfortunately, I did just that. I heard a phone call with my husband and OW with very intimate details that blew my mind. I could not believe this was the same person I was married to. He has not been interested in sex for a long time, but said it was due to stress- I'm so stupid! Anyway, he has been very apologetic and says it's over, but I can't believe it from what I heard on the phone call. I don't believe you could end something that intense in one day. I have read both DB books, but cannot get past the ranting, raving stage. I know he would rather be with the other woman over his crying, depressed wife, but I can't help myself. Can anyone let me know what helped them days after the affair?
Thanks

[lovelyolive]

I am sooo sorry that you are in this situation and heard what you did. I completely understand what you are going through. I think we all feel stupid when we find out.

When my H told me about the A, we were able to have very long conversations about what is missing in our R. He also told me everything I wanted to know about OW and their R - what needs she is fulfilling. Then, I read everything I could about A's - why, how, etc.. In my opinion, knowledge is power. Remember, you can't believe anything your H is saying right now. Don't take the bad things that he is saying personally. Just work on beginning to understand what you need to do..

Once the shock wore off somewhat (although I'm still shocked when I hear/read their "love messages"), I made a plan of what I needed to do to make changes in myself to better meet H needs. I add one thing each week and keep referring back to it. I journal what is working and what is not.

Trust me, you will go through a multitude of emotions. In fact, I was that same crying, depressed wife just last week and I've been going through this for almost two months! You just keep trying and give yourself attitude adjustments and keep going back to your plan.

[Ophelia]

I'm so sorry you had to find out like that.

Can anyone let me know what helped them days after the affair?

All I can tell you is what didn't work for me, and that was the ranting and the hassling him about wanting details. H had already moved out several months before, and told me about OW via email. The only contact I've had from him since is one angry txt message telling me to leave him alone and get on with my life because our M is over, and one letter from his lawyer about a property settlement. After the emotional way I reacted to him telling me about OW, he just doesn't want any contact with me at all. It's been almost a whole month since I had contact with him.

In your case, I gather your H is still at home, so make the most of that by cutting out the begging and the ranting. God knows that I know how impossible that is, but if you don't really try, you'll just push him further away.

I know that right now you feel like you couldn't possibly ever feel any worse. Take it from someone who's living it - if it gets to the point where your behaviour makes him feel like he can't have any contact with you at all, that does feel worse.

So do your damnedest to be a good DBer right now and make the most of your crappy sitch. If you don't put in the effort, then it's pretty much a guarantee that things will just end up getting worse.