I titled this thread Harmonic Divergence, partly because that is what my marriage feels like right now, but also as a play on words, referring back to the August 1987 "Harmonic Convergence" new age event when my wife accepted my proposal for marriage so that we could partner for a lifetime of spiritual and artisitic growth together.
My W and I had graduated with degrees in Fine Arts from the University of Florida just weeks after we had met and fallen in love. We have always shared so many of the same interests in art, music and spiritual pursuits, and I always felt very lucky that she and I had so much in common.
Fast forward about 19 years...
She had seemed a little depressed in the past year or so, but I thought it was due to her having trouble adjusting to our move to the small town of Amesbury (one hour north of Boston) after living in boston for 16 + years, and the fact that she had put on weight as a result of us not riding bikes and exercising as much as we used to when we lived without a car in the city. She's never worked through self-esteem and body-image issues which date back to criticisms from her parents and an abusive boyfriend prior to meeting me. (I have always been careful to never criticize her phycial appearance, and the two nicknames that I use when I communicate to her are: "bellisima" and "beautiful").
In early December 2006, she decided she wanted to see a therapist, and I thought that would be a good thing to do. After just a single visit, she informed me that she was feeling numb and detached from her feelings and she felt like she needed "to spend time alone" to understand what she was going through. That was the first bomb because in the previous 19 years, she had never expressed any dissatisfaction with our marriage, never requested or nagged me to alter any habits, behaviors, etc.
We began to see a marriage counselor together once a week about 8 weeks ago, and she is still going to her therapist in Cambridge once a week. At our first marriage counseling session, she informed me that she was not interested in working with clay anymore, and that she did not want to pursue the dream of working full time together with me, in a business making decorative ceramic tiles, which is a dream we have shared and been working towards for many years. This is so inexplicable too, because she was very passionate about pottery and decorative ceramics over the recent years.
The second bomb to explode was a silent bomb that I still have not acknowledged to my Wife or counselor. I peeked in her journal a few weeks ago, and I saw in her own writing, a yearning for a new partner - someone to bring her "euphoric connections, joy, joy, joy! Someone to travel with" etc. She wrote about the fear that she might have to pay alimony, which indicates she has been thinking about divorce, even though she still has not ever brought up that topic in discussions. She also wrote about guilt that she feels because she does not want to work on repairing the marriage. And she says we have both "given and received all that we can in this marriage".
My heart and head does not agree with that last statement at all! I realize now that I had taken her and our marriage for granted, thinking that we would always be together because we were soulmates. I truly do believe that if we could work through this period of multiple difficulties, we might enter the best phase of life and marriage yet.
Right now, I am 2/3 of the way through Divorce Busting, and I have read enough about techniques to know that I need to work on bettering myself and not putting any pressure on her. The frustrating thing is, as I have cooperated in verbally supporting her need for her own space and looking for an apartment. In the past week, she seems happier, but she has also requested that we not have sexual relations any more. So the Divergence is happening as I help keep things Harmonic.
I will try to finish reading DB in the next couple of days, while my W is away in New York City for a convention of the College Art Association. I am also busying myself with builiding a jewelry making work bench as a belated surprise Valentine's gift for her. After she told me she did not want to work with clay any more, she signed up for a metalsmithing class again that she used to enjoy in years past. I would like her to know that I am encouraging her artistic expression, even while I am coming to terms with the fact that our dream of working together seems to be fading away. I have to hold on to the hope that if I can change myself for the better, she might reconsider her future with me too.
Thanks for reading my novella. I will welcome any insights or advice as this journey goes forward.
Marc
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Tonight I experienced another of so many examples of the telepathic connection that exists between myself and W.
I had just stepped outside to walk my dog in the snow of the upper Millyard, and I had the feeling my wife was going to call me. One second later, her voice was cheefully describing her day of attending arts presentations at the College Art Association Conference in Manhattan. She sounded happy and told me about running into one of her former photography professors from the University of Florida, at a presentation about "emerging clay artists in the U.S.
I wonder why someone who is supposedly not interested in working with clay anymore, would choose to attend that talk, when there are so many other topics to choose from?
She also informed me that she was going to stay an extra day and a half, and would not be returning home to Amesbury until late Sunday night. This 4 1/2 day trip will now be the longest we have ever been apart in 20 years. If she does go ahead and get an apartment on her own in the Boston area, I can tell I am going to have a hard time with the transition.
I tried to not sound too disappointed, and said I would look forward to hearing about her day's events when we talk again tomorrow evening.
Back inside, a few minutes later, I began to feel anger rising. It seems so unfair that she can drop a bomb on me, walk away, dashing our dreams of working together, initiate preparations for a separation, cut off sexual relations with me, and then take a trip to New York where she is feeling happy and seeming oblivious to the pain that she has caused me.
The rollercoaster has begun, but this time we are not belted together in the same car.
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Marc, there probably isn't much you can do to head off this storm. You can't control what she is going to do, but you don't want to send the message that you'll help her along in this quest. You can validate her confusion by saying something like, " It must be hard to feel so confused that you feel the answer is to move out." This way, you are not supporting or agreeing with her decisions.
I am sorry you're going through this...it may become a long and bumpy ride.
Thanks for pointing out the finer points of communication. It is a great suggestion and I know I need to improve ways of acknowledging what she is going through while at the same time giving her an opening to talk.
BTW, romanticism won again. I just bought Dido's song "White Flag" from iTunes.
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Frankly, I'd put my time into something else besides building a new jewelry bench for her. It sounds kind of grasping to me. Kind of supplicating. As a 32nd degree Supplicator, I recognize one of my own. Yo, bro. (hairdog gives LG the secret handshake).
Do you think she might already be involved with someone? (Nopkins infidelity premonition post in three, two, one.... Hmm, okay maybe it's too late for him to post.)
Finally, don't be too hard on yourself about peeking into the diary. She might have wanted you to see it anyway, although she'd probably never admit it.
Too late Hairdog - I finished building the work bench earlier today. But if she doesn't appreciate it, I will start focusing on building things in my life sooner.
I don't think my W is involved with anyone else....yet. But I do worry that she might be on the lookout. She did stop wearing her wedding ring on her ring finger about 4 weeks ago supposedly because, as she put it : "I am so fat, it doesn't fit anymore". Well the fact is that she has actually lost about 30 or 40 pounds in the past weeks and is getting very close to her former healthy weight, so I would bet that if she took the wedding band off her right pinkie, she might find it would fit nicely now back where it belongs.
Would it be appropriate for me to ask her to try fitting it on her ring finger again? I am really having difficulty knowing how to act without being seen as controlling.
I guess I am off to bed too.
Marc
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Oh dear... I'm not liking her behavior at all... taking off the wedding ring, ending sexual contact, staying away longer... This sounds very serious.
I'm definitely getting the "someone else in the picture" vibes. Have you thought about coming out and asking her if there's someone else?
I don't have any advice except perhaps to contact one of the divorcebusting coaches on this site.
Taking off the wedding ring is the worst one... a good friend of mine has been a widow for over 10 years, and this week she finally took off her wedding ring. Anyway, she lost 30+ lbs, and NOW she's too fat for the wedding ring?!?
How did she lose 30-40 lbs in a few weeks? THAT doesn't sound possible... Did she start wearing the ring on another finger in preparation for taking it off altogether?
You say she's been depressed for about a year? What else happened besides the move?
It is very likely that your wife is having an affair. It is also likely physical since she has cut you off sexually. This usually happens when the infidel doesn't want to be "unfaithful" to the new partner.
The first rule for cheating is that all cheaters lie. The sooner you learn that rule, the better off you will be. What that means in real terms for you is that anything she says or does, especially involving activities away from you, is highly suspect.
You will need to start doing some quick work on yourself. If you are being grabby, needy or controlling, then you need to stop it immediately and change your behavior.
Next, you have some emergency reading to do. Get a copy of Michele's book. Get a copy of "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley, and get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Read all three books. All offer similar perspectives and approaches to the problem. All provide unique remedies. You will need to devise your own strategy from the three. Don't let her know you are reading the books with the exception of "Not Just Friends". Leave it out in plain sight. For now, this is the only hint you will give her that you know what its going on.
Don't waste your time asking her about an affair, she will lie. Do some detective work and get your own proof, then confront her.
Whatever you do, do not facilitate her affair. That means you don't pay for her to have it, you don't help her with apartments, stop funding her activities away from home. Get your finances separated immediately (especially any savings). Get legal advice about protecting your rights.
Get ready to fight to save your relationship. She just threw the first punch.
Let us know when you have taken the first steps.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
