Had my prior thread locked up, so here's a new one with a shiny bright descriptive title:
"A Legion of Complications"
Didn't Jesus cast out legions of demons at some point? I'm just hoping that I can come to terms with understanding all the twists and turns of what's going on right now.
My prior thread is linked below.
I'll be back with a whole new set of questions later, but the first one cannot wait for asking:
My W, who had been angry, upset, depressed, and generally miserable, apparently is back "together" with OM - I know that she's met him recently, after a promise to cease and desist with the affair.
And now she's not angry, upset, depressed, or miserable. In fact, she seems pretty well adjusted. And she tells me that she forgives me for all the wrong I've done her.
I don't know what to make of this. Maybe it's just the final chapter and she's moving on.
But that sort of blows away the WAW or MLC model, doesn't it?
Often the chemistry between affair partners functions as a kind of anti-depressant. Clinically, the activity levels in the brain of someone in a state of romantic love are quite similar to that of someone on cocaine. Love is an intense stimulant, and quite often literally intoxicates - but the stimulation can have a medicinal quality. A person who is depressed find relief, and therefore often can't comprehend the destructive nature of their actions. They feel better than they have for some time. The depression is temporarily lifted.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
That's interesting. I'm not sure it fits, though. I really can't be sure.
Over the last few days, my W's been affectionate and upbeat on odd hours and not so cheery on the evens.
We've been exercising together, which seems to raise her spirits, but I find it odd that her moods shift the way they do right now.
For example, she got angry at me at one point, saying, "You know, I'm not going to live my life in limbo anymore with you," implying that D was immanent.
Later that evening, she was talking about some of our problems together, and somewhat tenderly said, "that's why I'm afraid to come back to you." She was very affectionate afterwards, telling me how much she loved me and so on.
I don't know how much this has to do with the OM and how much it has to do with what's going on inside her.
I do know that when I compliment her on her work (she's an artist), she seems to feel much better about herself, which reflects on how positively she interacts with me.
But how much of what is going on is light-years away from anything I am (or am not) doing?
Sounds like your wife can be depressed or bi-polar. Expect insanity.
An affair is a roller-coaster at times. Remember? Up-down-up-down-up-down....some people get suicidal during affairs.
You see, the problem is her. She's trying to find a solution to her unahppiness by having an affair. It's a temporary solution.
Muddle is right, being "in love" releases endorphins, adrenaline and a whole host (legion) of chemicals that make the person euphoric, and, at times, unaturally calm. These get triggered by contact with the other person.
When she's with you she feels pain, grief and guilt. When she's with him, she feels good. It can happen in 5 minutes. It's like pavlov's dog -- she's been conditioned feel good around him.
It's not fair. Who said it was?
Ride it out. Sooner or later, his shit will start to smell. The chemical length of this state is anywhere from 6-18 months.
Yes, I know that's the theory. I've seen a hell of a lot of it exemplified in my W, so I know there's some validity to it. But I'm still confused about a good deal of what she does and says. Sometimes it seems as if no theory really "fits" what's going on.
For example:
I mentioned my W's "mood swings" - sometimes it seems as if she's flying high, but I find out later that she was really sad or anxious. Or the reverse is the case: she seems sort of quiet or sad, and later she says that she was calm and at peace.
Over the course of all of this (about nine months now) she's been mostly affectionate with me. Very much so, in fact. It's not that she hasn't been angry, but the baseline has been very loving.
I guess this is part of the "love you, but not in love" thing.
But she's emphasized how much she loves me so often that I don't really know what to make of it.
Am I a "default" love-object because of her lack of family?
Is she nostalgic for the past?
Does she really love me, or does she say this to make me feel better? (I don't try to make her feel responsible for me, so I doubt that I'm "asking" for this, but who knows?)
Is she guilty about the OM, and making up for it by being affectionate with me?
Are her own personal problems assuming so much importance in her life that she is simply reaching out to me to ease the pain?
All these things COULD remain up in the air, but here's the rub:
It seems as if she's moving toward a kind of resolve vis-a-vis divorcing me. She says that she's sad, referencing our "years together," emphasizing how much she loves me, etc. But she doesn't mention ANYTHING about working things out.
A few months ago, after one of the abortive breakups with the OM, she was on that "work things out" boat, albeit not for long.
It seems that she's come to some kind of acceptance of her "friendship" with the OM too, although I don't really know what that is. She keeps saying things that she is worried that she'll always be alone, so I'm figuring that she's not committed to this joker, but she did give me the "following her heart" speech recently too.
Then, to complicate matters, she asked me what I thought "following your heart" means. She volunteered that she thought it might be an excuse people make for themselves when they are doing something wrong.
Does this sound like a MLC? Like the WAW thing?
I don't know.
It's as if she's decided to call it quits, but is haunted by sadness about it. Then she mentions how afraid she is to come back, as if returning to the marriage would be a distant possibility, but a possibility nonetheless. I don't know how to read any of this.
I don't think that's such a good position for me to be in right now, especially so far down the road.
I'd think that this kind of talk (which went on months ago) would have run out by now.
Well, I thought I might fish around for some advice, insight, or something resembling a handle on what's going on.
For those of you who don't know my particular hell, here's a rundown:
Me - pushing 4-0. W - mid-thirties. No offspring. No living pets.
W left in June. Needed to "work things out," required "time alone".
By July, obvious that OM involved. EA, likely becomes PA by August.
Present: ever-renewed questions about future (divorce). Conversations like "well, it's been nearly a year now..."
W lives within walking distance. Spends a great deal of time with me, constantly reiterates how much she "loves" me. However, cannot "come back to this marriage."
Background: W from abusive family. Cut off contact about ten years ago; now dealing with aftermath.
Possible "MLC," especially dealing with self-esteem and self-realization issues.
Definite WAW - now says she was "unhappy" for years; big job change (mine), and she's gone like the wind.
For the whole dirty tale, please see the previous thread. I assure you, it's a wonderful tale of misery.
OK, here's my question. Somebody please help with this:
What do you do when the OM appears to your spouse as "friendly" to her "self-becoming" (or whatever you call what happens when people go through psychological growth periods)?
Her OM is "soft like cotton" regarding her efforts to "become herself." On the other hand, she says that she feels like I "look strangely on it."
That's about as definite as she's willing to cast it for me.
In the past, I seemed to be "controlling," etc. Part of this is true, part isn't: my W had pretty serious problems, ie. drinking, self-destructive behavior, etc., and I thought it was "best" that I "watched over her." I'm just laying out the fact, not trying to justify myself. Some of this has probably carried over even after she's gotten past some of those things.
So now, as she "grows" into a woman who can have an adulterous relationship with a moron twenty years her senior (and who, incidentally, "makes her feel like she is mentally ill), I'm once again cast in the role of the evil, controlling old husband who wants to keep her under his thumb.
Which is about as far from the truth as can be.
I've learned since this has all blown up that I've been so tied up with her feelings and so on that I could be called "co-dependent." If she was happy, I was. If she was sad, me too. Not miles away from "controlling" behavior to be sure, but not exactly good for one's psyche, either.
Don't want that anymore.
And, on top of that, every time she realized her ambitions, I loved her more. It was kind of nice to have her "going somewhere" in her life too.
Ok. Have I made it clear that I want her to grow, but just not into the arms of a shambling approximation of a man?
So, in line with all the vaunted principles of DB, I've been "working on myself," etc.
And I've been listening to her - which means patiently sitting through her admissions of love for OM, how he makes her feel (when not crazy), and all manner of other sorts of things that make my flesh crawl.
But it really makes me feel like a piece of you-know-what when I'm still seen as the "enemy" to her becoming "herself".
In the end, she claims that this marriage nearly drove her to suicide, and that she lost herself in its midst. I'm horrified by this, and would do anything to change it. I thought I was. But apparently the idea of me as a husband arouses all the fears of her losing her very self all over again.
I'm not a psychic vampire, and I'm selfish to only the average crappy degree. But I'm making improvements.
How do I show her that I'm there for her in becoming herself, while still in the middle of her affair?
Ok, since last time I've gotten the "I want a divorce" speech, I've seen my wife break up with the OM, and I've once again been the brunt of a whole lot of anger about our marriage.
Is this something that's destined to cycle forever?
Oh, and if anyone has some insight, it is certainly welcome.
