Yet another thread locked ( Muddle's Waters ) - thanks Whatis for locking it on a good note!
I just rode into work through what's left of the snow and ice on my mountain bike. Studded snow tires work wonders! I went up a 27 degree grade through slush and snow like it was dry! What a rush - just have to watch out for drivers who can't handle the stuff.
Well, I've decided that I'm done muddling through this situation. I've found myself on a track that is pretty clear to me. I've still got a lot of work to do, but I know where I'm headed. Things may or may not be working out in my marriage - W may be beyond the point where she's willing to turn around - but I've found the way I'd like to live out my life. Interacting with my W is a good way to hone these skills - it's difficult to respect myself when my W takes me for granted and always condemns me for not being thoughtful or nice etc., just because she thinks of something other than what I've done that she thinks would have been nice. I want to be regarded as nice and loving according to her, but I also need to recognize and respect myself for everything I do and have done. I just don't want to do the same thing over and over and call her crazy for not appreciating it.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, congrats on getting locked out. On this BB getting locked out seems to be the equivalent of getting laid!!! Good work. LOL Ooh, it just occurred to me that I locked up your thread so was it good for you? Just checking!
You know this is what i said to myself in Nov. It worked for a while and I got a response from her that sent me spiraling down into pursuit again. I came here and it really centered me and put me back on my way. I was amazed how bad i got in just 2 days. But then again this path is winding and i don't know where the end is. All I know is if you go forward looking backward you just keep getting hurt. Whatever the outcome all of us in here get to grow and find ourselves. Muddle have you any advice for me? I do appreciate another perspective. Thanks and good luck
Last night W calls me at the office asking me if I had any thoughts about dinner. I told her tortellini appealed to me. She told me that that wasn't really appealing to her. I said "ok." I didn't say anything else. She sarcastically told me that calling me had done her a lot of good. She told me that she had called me so I could make her feel better about dinner. Then she hung up on me.
So she was upset because I didn't start rattling off solutions to what was essentially her problem. I also think she was being dishonest because she asked me what I wanted and I told her what I wanted, yet she really wanted something else. She should have asked me directly. Had she taken responsibility for her feelings by saying something like "I really feel at a loss about what I want for dinner. Would you help me figure it out?" would have honestly expressed her feelings, identified the problem and allowed the two of us to find a solution together. Instead she didn't identify the problem, she asked me about something else trying to get me to take ownership of the problem for her and then got angry at me for not responding to the real problem when I directly answered her question.
I'm frustrated with this sort of interaction, but this is where my boundary work comes into play. She's used to me taking responsibility for her problems. If she's got a problem, she's unhappy and miserable, she takes it out on me, so it's my problem, I've got to fix her problem so I can solve mine. No more. If she's miserable about her problem, it should be incentive for her to solve it on her own and grow as a person. My problem is responding to her abuse in such a way that I neither am abused nor respond to pressure to fix her problems for her.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
How pathetic that she would be arguing over what to have for supper. Could she not have just said "I feel like having ???? for supper tonight, is that ok with you?" Or, better still, just make whatever she feels like having. If you don't like it, too bad (that's my theory). I figure if I can go to all the trouble to make supper every night, the least H can do is appreciate it. Otherwise, take me out or make it yourself (which he isn't going to do because he can't cook
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Yeah, the supper thing is pretty lame. I think it illustrates her biggest issue with me. That I don't read between the lines well enough. I "should" have know that she was feeling stressed and was trying to avoid the additional stress she puts on herself figuring out things like dinner. Instead I frustrated her and I stressed her out even further, more signs that "we just don't work together." Clearly. But how about we take responsibility for our own part in this? Why not try and figure out how to communicate better? What's there to lose? Being right about not working together? Don't want to lose that now, do you? Oh, I forgot, I'm the one with the problem communicating! Sometimes I wish she would run off and have a relationship with someone else so she can recognize that she is responsible for a lot of the unpleasant dynamics in our relationship. Oh well, enough for now.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, you can't read minds either? Is this becoming an epidemic! I wonder if they keep doing these things to prove that we aren't up to it or are they hoping that one day we will be? If our S's really believe that we are inadaquate and want another more fulfilling R then why do they keep "testing" and getting pissed when we don't come through? If they are so detached and through with us then why the anger on their part? Just some thoughts I sometimes have when I think of this issue in my sitch.
Hey Muddle, remember my "bed" story? When I asked her if she wanted to buy a specific bed that she liked, she replied NO it was too expensive. I then told her the expense did not bother me if she felt this bed would help with her back problem, she said NO. Then months later she told me that I should have known that she really wanted the bed and therefore should have bought it despite what she had said when asked! Does that top the Tortellini? LOL
I guess I will have to add myself to the list of people that can't read minds - oh woe is me
Sorry, but we can't know what you want if you don't say it. I would refrain from saying a lot of things. Primarily because (1) it didn't really matter one way or the other and (2) it wasn't worth the hassle. Now I don't do that anymore. If its bugging me, I say it. I don't "assume" H knows what I am thinking or what I would like. And, I can't assume what he is thinking either. If he doesn't say it, it doesn't happen. Plain and simple (is there such a thing?)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
