W's affair is now absolutely over. Last night, W talked with an ex-girlfriend of OM's. In the context of that conversation, both of them realized that OM is much more of a liar than either had previously believed. W is deeply offended at the way he has treated his ex (even worse than he treated her) and W is now determined to expose who he really is to OM's new girlfriend "Alison", his friends, maybe even his new stepmother.
I told her that I think this makes her look vengeful and small, but she insists that they need to know and she doesn't want anyone else to be fooled by him the way she was.
Finally, though we have gotten dramatically closer in the last two months, there is still no commitment from her to work on our marriage. She's spending most nights with me now, and there's been a suitcase of clothes at my apartment for two weeks, but she isn't "moved in". I think this will come soon now, though time will tell.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
W had calmed down and gotten off the warpath when I got home yesterday. She actually strongly considered going to a Weekend to Remember conference with me this weekend (and probably would have gone if I had pushed her to), but we ultimately decided that her mind was still occupied with OM and she wasn't really ready to start thinking about "us" yet.
Unfortunately you now need to give her time to get over him. This wil be the hardest part maybe,,, maybe not??? To sit and wait for her to fall in love with you again and stay strong and not feel hurt. Been there done that. My prayers are with you honey. All my best to you,, hang on and keep praying. Not trying to hurt you,, just my h did the same thing and when he was leting OW go I tried so hard not to lose my resolve. It challenged my every fiber and it took all my strength to keep loving him while he hurt me. I am so proud of you and the human being you are wish there were more like you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God bless.... Ali ( I am in piecing if you ever need some feedback)
Ali, this is not the hardest time by any means. Things are progressing very well. We now ML freely (though W still doesn't like to kiss me on the lips). She's spent 7 out of the last 9 nights with me. There is a lot more teasing and playfulness. We're continuing to go to church together regularly.
Last evening, I was a little grumpy, and W smilingly said "I think I know what could make you feel better" and pulled me into the bedroom. We then had MIL and SIL over to dinner to meet D4's new hamster. I think, for W to act as hostess in that situation, it really helped make her think of my apartment as her home.
Something else that also helped was giving her a $100 gift card to Bed, Bath & Beyond and telling her to shop and buy whatever she wanted for the apartment. I'm really trying to invest her in that place, so that she feels at home there with me.
RB You have gone through a long hard battle and many of us in the beginning of the war can learn a lot from you. I believe that God can transform people through love just as you do. Your commitment is incredible and I pray that one day I will have my H back in love with only me.
One of the best things I did was give my husband space and time, learned to be very patient (hey, it's the journey that matters, not how quickly you get there!). I also told him he needed to be very certain he wanted to be with me and the kids before he came back, and even though I'd try to make everything work, he'd need to understand it might not always be perfect or happy and he had to be okay with that.
I didn't try to convince him to come back, I needed him to convince himself that he wanted to be back. It took time, but I think it was worth it.
W has now learned (through a mutual friend) that OM is planning to elope with his new girlfriend. She is 22 and has two kids from different men, so she's probably just as messed up as OM. (W broke up with OM the first week of December and they then were "back together" from Dec 25-Jan 7.) W continues to be dumbfounded that she was in love with someone who didn't exist -- that she was in love with a fantasy.
OM's mom called W for the second time yesterday, trying to get W to send some of OM's stuff back. It's fascinating to me that OM doesn't even have the courage to call W to ask for his stuff -- he has to get his mother to do it, because he's too ashamed of himself to talk to her.
If you send the stuff back....I would insist that the OM or his mother pay for the shipping. If the stuff has value maybe the nearest pawn shop...but that is just me!!!
But I second the point that W may need time to really unlove OM and relove you...
I am going through this with my H...we have been married for almost 27 years.....just before our 25th he moved out and announced he didn't love me....then I found out about OW....it was over 18 months before H even considered trying to work things out with me....this was because even though they broke things off a year prior he still had feelings for her that were so strong he couldn't/can't tell me that he loves me....he says be patient...he is working on his feelings....it is hard...but I feel that eventually his love will return and he will be able to express it to me freely....that is my goal
So if there are times that W pulls back...don't worry....she will need to work things out and it is best if she does...that way the commitment to you will be solid....
