Oh GOD help me!

[sweepsr]

I cant believe it but Im back again! Its 1 year and a day since I moved out, almost got divorced(a week the from hearing), moved back in bought a house and now she doesnt love me. AGAIN!
I think Im in shock.
Today her friend emailed me a spam letter. When i went to reply it had the full email addresses. My wifes was not the normal one. It was a brand new hotmail account. I stewed for a bit and then called her. I asked why she made a new email account? Her answer was, "I dont want work to read my emails." , and I said ok. But why not keep using the yahoo one you had? She had no answer.
We had been seperated for 6 months. This was the second time in 3 years. I thought it was the last time. Things where good for a couple of months but then she began to pull away. The counseling always goes for a month and then missed appointments and we stop going. We havent had sex since Nov and I have been sleeping in my daughters room since I returned in Sept. My daughter is afraid of the dark so she sleeps with my wife. I complained about it several times and tried to laugh it off but... My wife uses the excuse that I snore and it keeps her awake.
Asked her point blank if she stayed with me for security/daughter/or if she actually loved me? She said she didnt know. Of course she tried to say I ALWAYS throw the affair (the reason for all this) in her face. But I havent! I asked her about the email because she IS so distant to me. No love is expressed by her. Shes more loving to friends then me. She works 2 jobs because money is tight. But it was her choice to do so. I make more then her still and I pick up our daughter after school, make dinner, etc.
I dont bitch about her being gone all the time. I care for her and all that. Still she just doesnt love me. Im just the FATHER of her child. I feel so beaten down.
She asked if I want out or something. I said NO! I have lost everything twice. I AM NOT moving out , losing my house or my kid. I AM NOT going to embarrass myself AGAIN to all my friends and family. I said i will stay in a shell of a marriage and see women on the side. She was shocked but I dont care. I told her I have loved her and stood by her but Im not getting shit on again.

She had no answers again and said she has things to think about.
I swear to god I cant take the loneliness and pain anymore. If it wasnt for my daughter I dont know what I would do. Probably pack the car and drive away from everyone and everything.
I feel like such a loser.

[cat03]

is she experiencing MLC symptoms? It seems you really try to do the right thing and she is in la-la land, that isnt' your faults, don't beat yourself about it.
Don't say things just to shock her anymore, it will just make things worse. I know you are at the end of your rope and don't want to leave, I don't blame you, being separated is hell.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but you shouln't sleep w/her anymore, buy her one of those carousel lights, the kind that spin around slowly and have picts on it (my daughter has one w/fishes, looks like the fishes are swimming, plus, she has an extra nightlight and I leave her window shade up a bit.

I don't any more advice other than wondering if she is having a MLC, in which case you know the drill, work on yourself and wait it out.

[~Sol]

Hi sweepsr,

I'm sorry to hear about your sitch. But are you SURE that she doesn't love you? Man, if THAT's the case, it's TIME to MOVE ON... C'mon, Is this your return to the BB's or is it the first time?

I swear to god I cant take the loneliness and pain anymore. If it wasnt for my daughter I dont know what I would do. Probably pack the car and drive away from everyone and everything.
I feel like such a loser.

From your post, it sounds like you are NOT DB'ing right now, and need to start. If not to save your M, then to save your sanity!!! Stop and think about this "loneliness" that you're talking about if you leave your M - (if that's the right decision for you).

If I were to leave mine, I would not dwell in my own pity party but would get my act together and move on, to include dating!

I don't think anybody is really a "loser", as you put it, if one can look at themselves closely and realize what they need to change and improve upon. I would call that being a "winner" and a "Gold Mine"!

[sweepsr]

Hi sweepsr,
C'mon, Is this your return to the BB's or is it the first time?

This is not my first time here. It started in '03 with a 10 month long affair on her part. She just pushes everyone away and throws herself in work. Her best friend and i joke how she is trying to save the world one restaurant at a time.
I just feel so kicked ya know? Its all so confusing. One minute she hugs me cause I bought her favorite things grocery shopping. The next she comes home and pours a drink. Sits on the couch and only talks about work. She doesnt ask about my day or anything.
Then off to bed. We can go almost 24 hours without seeing each other but she wont come home and hug me or miss me.
As for moving on..NO! I have tried and was pulled back twice.

I guess I just dont know how to do a 180 anymore. I cant for the life of me figure what Im doing wrong. If i never made dinner or didnt pick up the kids etc. I would then do that. The only thing i can think of doing is what i said to her. I will have other relationships. No lying about it. Just point blank honesty. "If you dont want me then someone else will!" Its better then being a liar or cheater. Im telling her the truth and getting what I NEED. I put my cards on the table!!
Granted i havent done anything. its just words but dont you think it would give her the kick in the ass she needs? Even if it means I go out to a movie but let her think Im out at a bar.

Ideas welcome.

[~Sol]

OK, sounds like you want to mess with her head, and give her a sort of "wake up call". But from what you described your sitch to be, it seems like she's in MLC and you're her doormat. Am I close?

As far as seeing other people while you're still M, it just isn't right, no matter how you slice it. Your own values are being compromised, but I know where you're coming from. If you wanted to see other people, then why not just end it with her and D? I guess I'm about values and I am sure I wouldn't cross that line regarding stepping outside my M to get my needs met.

You know how to DB, but now it seems like it's time to work on you and completely detach from her (without seeing other women that is). If you want her to fall in love with you again, you know what to do. Be that attractive man again, if you want to save your M. Otherwise, you need to move on.

Let me tell you about what I would do if my W cheated on me a second time. I would just leave. I couldn't handle the pain and suffering again - it was TOO INTENSE for me, and I couldn't survive another infidelity from her. Oh, and I would NOT get involved with someone else if I were still M, whether I wanted to save it or not. Something about values and self respect that burns in my conscience.

I do agree that she needs a kick in the A$$. But show her what she is really going to be missing, you know?

So here's the question: Do you still want to save your M?

[sweepsr]

God yes I want to save my marriage. Its just been sooooo long you know. We went through 3 miscarriages, her affair, seperation, fighting, a gleem of hope, fighting, seperation, a bigger gleem, fighting.
I just hurt sooo much and I feel myself hating her so much for all of it. I know i dont WANT to be a cheater and it is against my values really. But im so lonely inside. At least today. I used to be this great guy to her. I was the best!! Then around 99 things started slipping. My dad died, her job fired her at the funeral, miscarriages, affair, her son graduating HS, and my depression on top of it. In just the last year we have had the S and her son fighting a heroin addiction. He better now and off in London for school. I know the distance and his issues hurt my W a lot. All I ever wanted was a happy family cause mine growing up was fights and divorce. I thought I had it all and then this 44 magnum of crap began shooting me. Its just so hard to hang in there. I love her to death. I really do. When she looks at me in a loving way my heart melts. But I tend to see more hate then anything now.
I checked out some of the MLC stuff and it could be that. But i know I have tried to find the answer before only to be hoping for the answer. I cant help but think sometimes its me too. I dont know anymore. Im totally confused and feel like Im going insane myself.

[sweepsr]

UPDATE-
I talked with W today just a few minutes ago. I asked who was getting our D and if we could talk later. She asked it I needed to talk now? basically she feels like I am always bringing up the affair and its in the back of my mind. She started to cry a little and said working was the only thing she is good at. Not relationships or anything.
I told her I was mad and my comments where trying to give her a kick in the a$$. That I love her more then she knows. I also tried to explain WHY I get jealous or crazy. That its because I get no attention from her. That inside I feel so alone.
I guess its a vicious circle. We each react to the others and continue the cycle. I just do know how to sit back and be soooo patient while feeling so alone and forgotten. I end up feeling such hatred towards her. its like she can just get up and go about her day. As if nothing bothers her or she doesnt care.
But I guess it does inside.
UGH! How do i stay patient and not blow it all the time?

[*KS*Chick*]

my H said the same thing to me - I'm getting on with my life and going to work every day (but so is he and what is my alternative?!)

He has NO idea how I feel every day though - because he's not here and he doesn't see me awake all night, fighting off tears at work........he has no idea

[~Sol]

We each react to the others and continue the cycle.

Think about what you said. You 2 both REACT. How about if one of you doesn't react? Have you thought about seeking a DB coach?

It just seems that your W still has some major issues she needs to address and doesn't want to. It might be wise to seek professional counseling for both of you, but she has to be willing. Otherwise, try to get a one time session in with a coach. But the one thing you CAN do is to stop doing all the wrong things, like being needy, begging, fighting, etc. I know it's hard to do, but you need to let her process her emotions/issues/thoughts or whatever is going on with her.

How do i stay patient and not blow it all the time?

OK. On this one you need to do one thing. LET HER GO. You are too co-dependent on her on that is not helping. You really need to picture a life for yourself without her, but treat her like you would a really good friend - you know, just like when you 2 met and started to date? That will help on your part in being patient again. If she sees you doing the RIGHT things in DB'ing, she will notice. ACT HAPPY, but go one step beyond and BE HAPPY.

I could go on and on, but I'm sure others will follow and post here too.

[sweepsr]

Good advise. Im trying!! Its so hard when I have tried to go on with my life 2 times by moving out.