Sure, the you-complete-me stuff works fine in the beginning. It's even fun. Like two people cinched together for a three-legged race, there is satisfaction in getting the groove of operating side-by-side with perfect fluidity. But when you try to keep those tethers on indefinitely, reality intrudes. Two people aren't going to agree on every move. And they'll get tired of always accommodating the other -- by keeping quiet, by moving the same way, by propping the other one up.
Edited to add:
Quote:
Schnarch says that what happens with many troubled couples is analogous to what happens in children as they mature emotionally. A key developmental task of adolescence is to form separate and unique identities from our parents. (That's what the dismissive remarks and the skin piercings are all about.) We assume that by the time we're married, we're past all that. Not true, says Schnarch. We've merely switched our focus from our parents to our spouses. Temporarily, some of us adopt joined-at-the-hip intimacy as an archetype of marriage.
The bold is for you, cobra. (I know you agree with the first part of that paragraph.)
Several other good Valentine's Day themed articles on msn today.
I understand that being “one” or joined-at-the-hip are both enmeshment and therefore not desirable, in the long run. But for the short term, I think there can be advantages to enmeshment, especially as a way to give temporary comfort to lower defenses and hopefully realize that the two people really are on the same team.
Then there is the issues with MrsHD. Can she ever get to the point of differentiation? That is a big question mark. I don’t think many people here believe that she can do that without some sort of realization break through of all the skeletons she is hiding in her closet. So short of that, what is the next best alternative?
This is real life. We may not always be able to achieve the “ideal” preach in all the books. Lou is another example. Will BB ever become truly “healthy?” If not, what is his next best option to make his life as comfortable as possible and minimize the pain. Maybe it is not a truly differentiated approach. Maybe he and HD will have to be content with either a manageable form of enmeshment or leaving the M. That’s all I was trying to say.
Then there is the issues with MrsHD. Can she ever get to the point of differentiation? That is a big question mark. I don’t think many people here believe that she can do that without some sort of realization break through of all the skeletons she is hiding in her closet. So short of that, what is the next best alternative?
MrsHD's issues are irrelevant here unless she starts posting on this board. What really matters is HD, how he reacts, and how he pursues his own differentiation...if that's something he wants.
Becoming more differentiated stresses the system (and your spouse). It can even force your spouse to change. In many of Schnarch's success stories, the lack of drive is linked to the fusion and the associated resentment one feels.
There's no guarantee that your spouses sex drive will change at all with an injection of differentiation. It all comes down to the "crucible"...you can't predict the outcomes in your spouse. Maybe they rise to the occasion and try to change themselves. Maybe they become increasingly more anxious and/or depressed. Maybe they finally realize they are gay and come out. Maybe they just leave.
If we perceive that our quality of life would be worse without our spouse, then we should be very judicious in the quest for differentiation and reflect carefully on our motivations.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
