I had the A, how to regain trust?

[LoginName]

Hi. You can read my sitch from the link in my signature and here:

My posts on MLC and Piecing

But, I'll give a quick summary here too. I had an A a few years ago. I ended the A when I realized how harmful it could be and that I wanted my W and family more, even if I wasn't really happy. I kept the A a secret. However, my W got a clue about it and suspected. She tried to fix our M and make me happy. It worked for a while, but failed. Maybe it failed because I did something wrong, or because she wasn't sincere in her changes, or other reason. She wasn't happy in M either, I guess even more unhappy than I.

Then, her first love found her via internet. She had a phone/email EA for a few months, then drops the ILYBININWY speech on 10/3/06, leaves me and kids on 10/5. She tells me that she knows about my A and that it didn't bother her and that's part of the way she knew she didn't love me anymore. On 11/4 she came back. I think that's all the basics.

Last Sunday, during R talk, she says that my A did really hurt her. I apologize profusely, sincerely, and offer to do anything. She says she doesn't know if she can ever trust me again.

So, if you all can forgive me, can you give me advice? What can I do to make up for my terrible mistake? Can she ever trust me again? (Of course, I have my own trust issues now too, but in many ways I don't think her A is really the issue. Mine isn't in some ways either. The issue was our underlying unhappiness and it's causes). If your W or H who cheated on you (it hurts to admit, publicly, that I'm the cheater) what would you like them to do or say?

[*KS*Chick*]

I think sincerity, showing her through your actions that you ARE sorry, that it will never happen again......and time. You can't DO anything about time, just pray, wait and show her you DO love her, you ARE sorry, it will never happen again and you want HER.

I am also the cheater

[LoginName]

I should move this back to Piecing, or maybe to separated, I don't know. I say this partly because I now think that my A really doesn't play into my sitch much. I don't think this is an infidelity issue.

My W and I had a few talks the last few days. As is usual, it takes a while after the talk for some of what she said to sink in.

Here's the part that is sinking in: she wants to separate from me. She won't say divorce, she says she isn't thinking of that at all. She doesn't know what she wants (at least that is what she tells me) and she needs the time, and maybe the space to figure out what she wants.

This weekend, she went to her mom's in a neighboring state, with my daughter. My son and I are home. So I've time to think. I don't like it. I called my best friend, who has gone through a divorce. He said that maybe separation is best for both of us. She needs the space and can't think or decide with me always here. I need to find out that I can survive on my own, rediscover myself and what I like and what I want. He thinks I should support a separation.

What do you, any of you, think?

On the one hand, I see his point, and her point. On the other hand, separation seems so final and a step in a direction I don't want to go. I admit, I'm afraid of being without her. And, what about the kids? I don't want to leave them, even for the weekend, or longer.

If we separate, I don't think I should leave the house or the kids. I think if it's her idea to separate, she should move out. What do you all think? I'm tempted to say I'll move out and let her have the kids full time. Would that give me a better chance to discover myself. Would it help her decide what she wants?

Then there is the job and money issue. She hasn't worked for a number of years. She is within two months of earning her Phd. She is applying for jobs and some of those jobs are out of state. What if she moves out of state? What if she goes back to the OM? Oh god, This is not fun. I think that once she has a job, she will want to separate. She can't take the kids out of state. The kids love their schools and friends and grandparents. She wouldn't want to move them. If I’m home as a single parent, how would I be able to manage getting the kids to school, etc. and work? When she left in October, my job let me alter my hours and I was able to do it all. Work has changed a little. It won’t be as easy now.

Should I support her desire to separate? First, I should confirm that this is how she feels. But assuming it is accurate, should I support it? I want to do what’s best for the kids. What would that be? Obviously, for their parents to reconcile and commit to the M, but if that’s not possible for a while, what would be best?

[believing_isaiah43]

Hi there,
I don't have much time but wanted to say quickly:
don't know what state you're in, but in my state whoever leaves the house without a legal agreement in place is guilty of ABANDONMENT. So the best thing for YOU is to stay in the house.

If she wants to separate, you cannot stop her. You CAN tell her it's not something you want to do, but you understand how she might feel this way. etc.

I'm sorry for your pain. It's so difficult to process all the possibilites, so DON'T. Drive off each bridge as you come to it

[LoginName]

Thanks, BI,
I've read some of your posts on other threads, and I value your advice.

[LoginName]

Hey, the whole infidelity thing is fun, isn't it guys? I've been told, and I believe, it really isn't about the OP, but, dude, it can sure complicate things, can't it?

After more talking, I don't think my W is too upset about my A. It was a few years ago, and I think she is thinking of other things more, bigger questions - like do I even want to be in a R with this guy (gulp!).

But, I'm still struggling with her A. She mentioned a couple of things she did while she was with OM. Basically, she had a great time out there. He is handsome, fun, and probably better than me at everything . I'm doing OK trying to keep these evil thoughts out of my head, and see things more realistically, but it's hard.

So she played poker with him and his friends. I didn't think she liked poker. I'd love to play poker with her and friends. So she saw a few movies with him. I would have liked to see those movies with her too. She went out with him and his friends - she never really wanted to go out with me and mine. If she was such a fun person, why didnt' she show me more of that fun side?

But you know what? She came back. Even if it was just for the kids (I still think it was at least a tiny bit for me in some wa), she still came back and she is here now. Maybe the fact that she told me some of these things shows she likes me and wants to share her life with me. She didn't seem to be mean - and she has been a little mean in the past.

I'm jealous of the OM, I'm jealous of the good times they had, and I feel really inadequate. I want to go and have good times for a month too.

But I know I can't try to compete, I'd lose. I've got to be myself and be confident.

And I know she came back. She is here and talks to me some. I know I can overcome these feelings. But I wonder, is he still the reason she can't decide if she wants to be with me or not?

[*KS*Chick*]

LN - my H struggles with some of the same things you're struggling with. In his eyes, the om had everything he didn't. SO not true - he was there for me, when my H wasn't.

I think she's giving you some good insight into her though - she does have a fun side. Work on being those things for her that om was.....

You sound very committed to your M, I think you two will be ok. Time....

[*KS*Chick*]

oh and in regards to a S - if your wife feels you need that, IMO she should seek out the place to move to, etc.

And stop listening to divorced friends - KWIM?

[LoginName]

Thanks UA,
It's good to get that perspective. It's really hard for me sometimes to get out of my own head and pain and try to see it from her point of view.

I remember something TL or GH told me early on. Don't worry about he OM, enjoy your W and accept what she can give. The OM isn't worrying about me, he's living in the moment and being happy. I think I need to act like that.

From my A (which, another thing I'm jealous of, wasn't as much fun as hers! ;-) I can look at the OW and think that yes she did do some things much better, she did give me some of what I needed when my W didn't, but I don't find my W lacking or even in competition. Maybe my W looks at OM and me the same way.

Although, this OM is a star. He is her first love from H.S., a lawyer, muscular, on and on. I can easily get myself down thinking about him. Also, he appears to be an honestly good person (except for sleeping with a married woman). He let her go when she needed to come home to kids.

One of my W's regrets and guilts is she thinks he and I could have been good friends, and we all could have been friends.

Fun is hard to come by right now - because we're broke and getting broker ;-) But we do have a little fun. I took her to my company holiday party, and she had a good time. I took her to test drive the car she wants (dreaming is free) and then talked her into having a beer with me. She had a good time. I took the family to the newest James Bond movie at the $1 theater, I think she had a good time. So I'm trying. Mainly, I need to remember that I can't compete with OM.

UA, you have been posting so much, I've not been able to keep up with you. I would love to have my W acting and feeling as you do. I think you'll be successful in the end (I better catch up with your sitch to make sure it's still going in the right direction!)

When I first chimed in on your posts, the initial reaction of the others was to disagree with me. I think, after better understanding your situation, they've all kind of come around to agreeing with us, right? Just curious.

I am committed, but maybe I should be instead. I don't understand why it's so hard for my W to say that she at least hopes she can fall in love with me again - but I tried to push and that was a mistake. I'll discuss that later today in my other thread.

thanks for your comments and support UA. There are some good people here. I hope I get to meet some of them some day, and I especially wish the best for you and all.

[LoginName]

Thanks! I think I KWYM