Me-38 WAH-40 3 kids- 8,8,9 Separated since Fall 2004 Me-MLC 2004-2005 H MLC- 2005-Present
Journaling I guess …
Not really sure why I am writing so this may seem like a mumbling diatribe. Please bear with me. First of all, let me say THANKS to each of you for posting your stories, your feelings, your experiences and most of all for sharing this walk and offering a seat on the curb for me. It have been here for a while and have not posted too much for a variety of reasons. One of those being that I have been in denial about all of this, the pain, the rejection, the fear of my future, all of it for so long. I also stupidly thought that I could control the outcome. I have come to see through all of you that I do not have any control over any part of this other than myself. I guess, now I am trying to figure out what to do with MYSELF.
I think that I found this site and the books a bit late, almost a year and one half after all of this went down so I may not have capitalized on the feelings that we still had for eachother and probably did more damage to the relationship. We still maintained daily contact, phone calls, TM, emails, dinners and putting the kids to sleep. Sometimes even watching TV and dating. As of today, none of this happens anymore.
I believe that he is now in PA as him mother reports that he does not sleep at home several nights a week. I have done all that I can, prayed, cried and then prayed and cried more. I have H given space, I have been in his face, I have been cold, I have been independent, I have been needy, I tried ignoring him , I have tried pleading … you know the drill.
Nothing has changed other than H is colder than ever to me. I miss him. Let me correct myself, I miss the man that I married. I do not miss the alien that has taken over H’s body. I feel discouraged today. I feel worried today. Worried that my kids will grow up only knowing the alien. Afraid that I will continue to be hurt and never outgrow the feelings that I have today. Afraid that even though we are 2 years down the pike, this is still as fresh and raw as the first days. Afraid that I will sleep alone for the rest of my life. Afraid that OW is actually better than me. Afraid that I will never see his easy smile or feel his hands on my belly at night again. Just afraid. I have admitted it. I am just afraid. I am lonely. My friends have been great but there is nothing more heartbreaking than sitting alone in the dark with the glow of the TV and nothing to look forward to other than just getting by.
I just wanted to say that i am sorry you are feeling so down today. I understand your fears about what is going to happen in the future, but only you can decide that. Somehow you need to find your inner strength and try and look to the future with a positive outlook. It may be with or without your husband, but there is a wonderful life waitng for you, grab it with both hands. Maybe it is time to do something for you, something that have always wanted to.
I am not that experienced at this MLC stuff, i am sure other people will give more valuable advice.
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
Thank you, NickyF. I have spent so much time trying to figure out how to turn this around that I have spent no time trying to figure me out... I don't even know what i like, somewhere in being married for so long and then a mom that i just lost myself.
________________________________________ Just thought of something …
I remember my father going through MLC, my mother could not take it anymore (rightfully so) and opted out. We left him. We did not see my father again for 16 years. He has been back in our lives for about 4 years now although my parents will never live together again. He often tells my mother what a great job she did with us while he was “growing up”. He tells her how proud he is of us and our children. I am not “attached” to him, I really don’t have feelings for him one way or the other and I still avoid calling him Dad because I just feel that he was never that for me. My sister feels more that he is her Dad and that is what she calls him although she has recently distanced from him somewhat. He went through a lot of bad times during his hiatus because in my opinion, God don’t like ugly and the way that he went about it was just CRAZY.
Don’t you know, 5 weeks ago my father at 57 years old had a debilitating stroke. He is now paralyzed on one side, wheelchair bound and speaks with a slur sometimes even I cannot understand what he says. He told my mom that he was sorry for all of the trouble that he caused, sometimes it takes people a long time to grow up he said. Ain’t that the truth?! Whoa is me today.
I don't believe I have ever posted to you. This whole thing does suck. I also tend to fall in the fear trap. I am also a worrier so that does not help much. The bottom line is we don't know what is going to happen or not. I do know that God is going to take care of you regardless and that he has plans for you. Plans of good things and happiness. You have to put your trust and faith in him.
My dear sweet aunt gave me some advice the other night. I told her a similar thing that you told us. I miss my H's arms around me at night. I miss feeling his touch. She told me to put my arms around myself at night. This has really helped me feel protected and secure. I know this sounds silly, but it works.
We are all here for you. Maybe you need to post more to get your feelings out. We will all listen to you and support you. We are all in this together girl....
Luv Goal
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
Take one day at a time. Feelings of anxiety, disbelief and fear were my initial reactions.I couldn't eat, focus on anything pleasurable for myself..After a few months I started to feel alittle stronger.They say that time heals, sounds like a cliche but it is true, time will bring healing and resolve. Just take one day at a time. Sometimes I took one hour at a time. Make sure you have a friend or two, a prayer buddy, someone to talk to to process your thoughts, feelings...
Goal and Indea: Thank uou for your words of support. This is now hard for me. I am at a crossroads. It is time for me to make a decision. as my finances are suffering and my options are leading me to the end of this journey. Just trying to figure out how to get my head above water.
What did you do before you met him and became a mother? What are your hobbies? What do your friends like to do?
Jazz-
I have always been sort of a homebody. My friends are raising small kids. Before I became a mother h and I spent all of our time pursuing his interests anf trying to develop as a couple-got married at 21.
So now I am trying to find myself. Trying to find new friends and new things to do.
